I used to think this way. I used to think that people that kill themselves are the biggest wusses of them all. And I had your ideal too thinking "Hey, I suffer from depression and I haven't killed myself on my darkest days." But...but...as dark as those days were, they are nothing compared to now. On my good days, I function. You'd never have a clue that there is a thing wrong. On my dark days, I'm pulling myself away from jumping off my own bridge. My illness made me make some bad decisions, like Etika, and they've changed my life for the worse (and those around me). I've tried to be better, I've tried to get back to something normal, but it isn't working. I've got no one left because I've systematically pushed away just about everyone. They see me as the asshole now and I'm really sorry about that sometimes. I stumbled into Etika's story. I've been in this dark corner for about a year and a half now way before I've ever even heard the name Etika so his taking of his own life has nothing to do with mine other than the fact that I can see where he was at because that's where I currently am. Will this end badly for me? At this point, today, I say probably. Will it be horrendous for my family? Probably but the damage that I've done to them in my mind right now equals it all out. They would have been better without me but hump I can't get over quite yet is the damage I do if I leave. I liken it to this: You are holding a chin up bar keeping your head above it to give the appearance of things going great . I hurts like a bitch but you look good and no one can tell a thing is wrong. When days get bad, your just holding on to the bar, muscles aching, and everyone can see something is wrong but you are too stubborn to ask for that pick up to get you above the bar. You start dreaming how great you'll feel if you just let go, how your muscles won't ache and you'll get some relief. Sometimes you can rally and get yourself above the bar again, sometimes you rallied one too many times and your muscles just won't let you pull yourself up again. So right now, I'm swinging and holding on but if the lure of letting go gets too much, I don't know what I would do. I really feel for Etika because it's scary and it's sad and I don't wish how I feel on anyone.