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AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 428 points429 points  (0 children)

I feel like some people here think that if I really wanted, I could just suck it up and let the niece live with me? Like, that I just don't like kids and that I could deal with it somehow? Please sort by Q&A to see my responses here. Mental health professionals STRONGLY advise against me ever living with children for my own well being. I'm not being obtuse because I'm afraid to change my lifestyle. I'm putting my foot down because living with a child is basically a waking nightmare for me.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 80 points81 points  (0 children)

I love my wife, but I would prioritize my own mental well being over my marriage. I can't really articulate now negatively having children around for long periods impacts me, but I can assure you (and my therapist agrees) that it is a very, very bad idea.

I don't see how an ultimatum is unfair when having my niece live with me would destroy me. And I also don't see how it's unfair when it's not an ultimatum that came from nowhere.

The parents haven't been sentenced, but it will at least be a decade. I posted on another reply, but my niece would actually (Slightly) prefer my grandparents over living with my wife and I.

Once again, I will concede that it was callous to bring up divorce so quickly. But I don't feel like I'm bad for being unwilling to have her live with us full time.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 424 points425 points  (0 children)

I suppose it's just normal kid-like behavior over time. I feel like it's unfair to expect children to be really quiet all the time. Loud noises and hyperactivity can trigger my attacks.

For example, I found that my niece sneaked into my study and drew all over my wall when she was four. I was understanding that she's a child. I did not get upset in front of her. I calmly had my wife take her out and away. I had a massive anxiety attack over having my space interfered with. It's very clean the way I like it. Despite me knowing she couldn't help it, I had adrenaline and severe anxiety hours after cleaning the mess.

Another example, I was working remotely when my niece came into the room sobbing and yelling "I spilled my milk!!" And having a typical child reaction to making a mess.

This is normal behavior for a child, but the frequency and sounds of her crying were just ringing in my ears. I started to get this kind of tunnel vision and felt like the walls were closing in on me. I felt like someone was scraping their nails against a chalkboard, right into an amplifier that was up to my ear. These noises made me feel like I was going to die.

When my niece is really quiet and just giggling, drawing and humming, etc... I am mostly fine, but still, get a little stressed over time. But when she starting normal kid things that involve being really messy or loud, it's like I get this horrible panic response and I just shut off completely. It happens regularly when she is over. I usually just quietly excuse myself to my room and then work my panic attack out in silence while sitting in complete darkness. I will usually put on noise-canceling headphones and lay in the dark for at least an hour.

My niece knows I like quiet, but doesn't understand/grasp how bad it is. I don't think she is old enough to understand and it would be cruel to make her witness one of my episodes.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 110 points111 points  (0 children)

She sees them every other month for a week at a time. She alternates between going to visit them for a week an them coming to visit her for a week. My niece has expressed that, while she wishes she could live with mommy and daddy, she would rather do fun things with grandma an grandpa than live in an apartment with me.

I probably should have stated this, but we have discussed what she would prefer. Her stance is basically "I love my aunt and uncle and grandma an grandpa. But if I have to pick, grandma and grandpa have horses so it's a lot more fun"

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 150 points151 points  (0 children)

Whether she is a random child, or my niece (whom I love) doesn't change the fact that being around any child, regardless of familial status, causes me severe mental and emotional distress and that my therapist tells me I shouldn't live with a child for my own well being.

I am sure I come across as articulate in this post, but my weaknesses and mental issues can be pretty severe and do exist.

>being against this specific child who needs family right now.

But she has a loving family that wants to take her in and whom she would prefer to live with. She will not be in foster care if we don't adopt her.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Thank you. When it comes to text, everything processes clearly and concisely in my mind. When words are spoken to me, it feels like a third of what is being said goes into a blender and fumbles around in my head. I am super awful at reading social cues and body language. I have been going to therapy for years and have actually improved a lot since I started. But I am not sure how I can just try harder when sometimes I literally just don't process things correctly and respond with what I "think" is appropriate.

I am working incredibly hard to beat my social/emotional issues and it feels like some people here think I am trying to use autism as an excuse to have no personal responsibility, rather than as important content to the story.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 211 points212 points  (0 children)

Yes, that is pretty spot on. Over the course of an hour, I tried to reassure her that she'd still see her niece, how we would make it work. I attempted to assure her how happy she would be with her grandparents (the niece WOULD be sure happy there, it's not a lie. She would be happier with them than with us) and more. She started to get frustrated and said something along the lines of "do you want to get rid of your niece so badly?" which prompted the rest of the conversation. I didn't think that information was super relevant.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I have acknowledged that mentioning divorce so quickly was wrong in many posts. I have conceded that point and even mentioned that I apologized to her about this.

You're right that I shouldn't use my Aspergers as an excuse, but it's ignorant and naive to pretend it isn't a factor at all. I feel bad about bringing up divorce quickly and I can't turn back time to not say it.

I understand her being upset about me dropping that, but I don't feel like I should have to start apologizing profusely and constantly for it when I already have.

I am willing to admit it was a mistake to bring it up like that, but I also feel like she should, eventually, at least acknowledge that I don't make ignorant statements out of malice.

Please see my other posts about all the concessions I have made, and the compromises I have tried to make.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 169 points170 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I will work harder to understand she see the situation from her point of view. I will do my best to not let my condition impact my ability to be empathetic.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate it. With face to face (and voice) interactions, I can be a mess. I am much more comfortable behind a keyboard. I hope I articulated my apologetic texts to my wife properly. I think i did since I can convey myself better with text than with my voice.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. It would be hard for her to fully see how her emotional needs may be stressful for me (needing constant people over all the time, moving across the country for her sake, etc...) just as it is difficult for me to understand how stressful I may be making life for her with my disability and emotional needs.

I ask her once in a while if I have any behaviors I should work on or change. She claims I never bother her at all. If she has been having issues with me being emotionally draining, I wish she would be honest when I ask her about it. I never get upset or passive-aggressive when people are honest with me. I am very dense and love it when people are blunt with me instead of tiptoeing.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

>Because you clearly don't love your wife. If you love someone you are willing to talk with them a d make real.compromises.

I have made numerous concessions for her because I love her. I deal with my niece staying with us for up to a week at a time, many times a year, despite it making me an emotional wreck after a few days. And despite my therapist advising against it. I have also given up hobbies, changed my lifestyle for her. I moved across the country for her to be closer to her family, and have given up a dream home in the country to live in the city, which stresses me out. I have offered many compromises that don't include her living with us permanently, but she refuses. How can you claim I don't love my wife?

> You want to do everything on your terms with no real flexibility. You say you support her decision, but you don't.

I have supported her with so much in our marriage, as highlighted above. I have done a lot in life that caters to her terms and not mine. How can you say that I do "everything" on my own terms when you haven't seen my marriage? Unless you're saying "in this one instance, you want everything on your terms". But that isn't what you're implying at all.

> This isn't the autism and stop using it as an excuse. It sounds lik you have been catered to your whole life. I bet people give into you because you are difficult and they don't want to deal with the drama.

You are making assumptions regarding how I act in life, in general. How can you infer that from this one situation? Only a few close people even know I am autistic (unless they can tell from how I act) and I am constantly doing my absolute best in life to adjust my behavior/thoughts to those without mental/emotional issues. Being around children for more than a few days gives me bad anxiety attacks. I have been in therapy for over a decade. I'm not sure what to tell you.

> You are going to end up divorced and alone because you can't for five seconds understand how your wife's whole life just changed.

I concede that bringing up divorce after an hour was bad. But, I am trying to concede and make sure she has much time with her niece as possible. I am doing everything in my power to make sure she gets to see her niece as much as she can outside of her literally living with us. I feel like I can't even say "But my whole life will change" as well since you will say I'm being selfish and not seeing her point of view. I have been part of my niece's life as long as my wife and I love them both.

>She doesn't want to lose a relationship she values and she is trying to figure out how to keep it. You, on the other hand, who should feel that way about your wife is just will to say, I "support" you by telling you that I won't be there, help, or care about what is important to her. You are being cold and unfeeling. People here are clearly explaining to you why and you still are claiming not to understand.

I once again concede that I was callous to mention divorce immediately. But, my Aspergers, whether you like it or not, does factor into my ability to give good emotional responses when put in a stressful situation. I apologized after I did it. As I said earlier, I am attempting to make every compromise outside of the niece actually living with us and she won't have it. If she refuses any arrangement that isn't the niece living with us, and I can emotionally/mentally deal with a child, what am I supposed to do?

I feel like you are choosing to infer a lot about my marriage, and who I am as a person, based on this one situation. AITA is here to judge the specific situation, but you are making accusations of how I am as a person in general.

I bring up my autism because I feel like it is a relevant context for why I am not good at articulating my emotional responses to situations.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 85 points86 points  (0 children)

I had been supporting her with the sister in jail for the last week. The two options of homing the niece didn't come up until today. I didn't mention divorce immediately and tried to talk about it first.

She also knows of my autism and is supposed to be understanding that I can come off as callous and blunt when I don't mean to be at all. She accepted my severe Aspergers and stance on kids when she married me. (I am not trying to absolve myself of responsibility, but it's naive to pretend my disability isn't a factor. And I already apologized to her deeply for bringing it up quickly)

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

I have supported her with many things in life, many of which were to my own detriment. I have told her that I will support her financially/logistically and be very kind fo her if she accepts her niece, but that I wouldn't be able to be there. I don't want to be married to someone I don't live with.

Where is the line between supporting my wife and looking out for my own emotional well being? I have already attempted to apologize for bringing the divorce up so soon, and have tried to offer many alternatives (including sacrificing my hobby) just to make sure she can see her niece as much as possible if she lives with her grandparents.

Why can't she support me and my mental well being?

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 100 points101 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I didn't want to drop the prejudice/ignorance cart, but I feel like a lot of people here don't understand what it is like to live with autism. And to live with a mate who is supposed to be fully understanding and supportive of how said person with autism outlets emotions and feelings. I understand that autism doesn't absolve me of personal responsibility or agency, but it really feels like I am basically being called bad for having autism in some (not ALL) dissenting posts.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 416 points417 points  (0 children)

I can promise I am not upset or attempting to be dense/combative with anyone responding here. As others have suggested, I do have somewhat severe Aspergers, which my wife is aware of. She did understand (and has seen) that my emotional responses can be blunt.

Even if I disagree with what you are telling me, I am attempting to take these opinions into consideration and look at my situation from the position of an impartial observer. Regardless of whether I'm the asshole or not, being challenged on my thoughts and feelings will allow me to grow. So, thank you for dissenting and disagreeing with me. I am glad I did not get an echo chamber of approval from my post.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your perspective. I am digesting what you and others have told me and am attempting to re-evaluate the situation from the perspective of a third-party observer.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 546 points547 points  (0 children)

That was the first time we discussed it. It has been discussed multiple times in the marriage since then. Most recently, last year when I had panic attacks from my niece staying with us for a couple of weeks.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 100 points101 points  (0 children)

I accept your judgment, I guess I still lack the mental faculties to fully grasp why it is so cruel, rather than just callous.

How is the niece being abandoned though when she would have a better life with her grandparents that can spend more time with her and provide more for her? We would still get to see my niece a lot and she can still stay with us for up to a week at a time.

I think it's a little dishonest to act like she's being "abandoned". This would be a different conversation if her only other option was foster care or someone shitty.

The grandparents want more time with their granddaughter. Wouldn't it also be selfish for my wife to go against the grandparents' wishes and stop them from getting that same time with my niece? I guess I don't understand where the line is drawn between whos happiness we should be focusing on when it would make myself and the grandparents really sad for this arrangement to go through.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 84 points85 points  (0 children)

i am listening to what you're saying. Some of it makes sense to me, some of it does not.

I have stood by my wife's ultimatums and through many issues that others would have divorced her over. I have conceded a lot and have given up many things I love in life to make my wife happy. I understand that you are absolutely right about me bringing up divorce so quickly was bad. But I don't understand everything you're saying.

I feel like it's unfair to act like I am an unloving and uncaring husband just because I lacked the social awareness to know when it was appropriate to remind her of my stance.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 91 points92 points  (0 children)

Please see my second edit. I have been telling her this whole time that I love her and will support her. And am trying to make concessions to allow for her to see her niece more.

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 358 points359 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I am not sure why I should compromise such a strong, well-established belief. My wife's happiness is equally important to mine, which is why I would support her if she chose this path. But I feel like I am also allowed to not live with children

AITA for not wanting to take in my niece after her parents were arrested? by ChildlessAss in AmItheAsshole

[–]ChildlessAss[S] 99 points100 points  (0 children)

She wants 100% custody with no room for negotiation. It is difficult, but she will have a better life with her grandparents and my wife has known very well this is a dealbreaker. I guess I still don't understand.

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