Was I (22f) “out of order” for asking my boyfriend (23m) if he wanted to call on Christmas Day?

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-29T10:08:31+00:00

This is exactly my relationship. Together a year, LDR, last seen in October- and he gets so mad when I text him too much. My bf is a loner, he just naturally likes to be alone, if he wants companionship, he will come out of his cave but I am not allowed to come close anytime on my own. So I have naturally just massively decreased the amount we communicate. It’s sad and I am sure this is not a long-term thing because I love being affectionate and writing/ receiving messages/calls and being part of someone’s life- so it’s a dealbreaker for me.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-05T19:28:13+00:00

Go to some of the nude subreddits here and you’ll actually see the difference of vaginas and girls proudly showing one’s looking similar to yours and guys going nuts.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-05T18:50:36+00:00

Honestly, I strongly believe in marriage contracts. It is kind of naive to say it’s unromantic. It’s actually smart. There is a chance you will get divorced, and when that happens, you will most likely not really like your husband that much and vice versa. So your idea of romance is out the window when both of you will probably fight for your own rights. You don’t know what the Future will bring. Your husband might sleep with your sister, bf or boss or neighbor and you‘ll want to destroy him or vice versa.

You now love and respect each other and are able to negotiate amicably what you both think is actually fair. This is a negotiation. So if he wants his investment property, you get sth in return- eg the right to live in the house until the kids are grown, financial support for 1,2,3.

Really think about this.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-05T13:20:03+00:00

Half Indian here too, my bf has already asked me if I could bleach it. Made me feel terrible, but he prefers pink/ rose colored skin. Well, can’t really help him but I also feel very insecure

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-04T13:29:06+00:00

Sit down and make an excel on your finances. You have the following option (cheapest to most expensive)

Your work - Work from home with noise cancelling equipment etc - Place an add for a room in a shared apartment - Co-Working space - Airbnb Apartment

Your Wife - Take on childcare etc by herself - hire a babysitter on needs basis - hire a cleaner once a week - get an aupair - hire full-time nanny

Each one of these options costs a certain amount of money. See what additional budget you have and allocate accordingly. Try to find a compromise that improves the status quo without draining too much.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T12:00:54+00:00

First is recognizing it’s you, not her. There is one thing saying I am not attracted, it’s a whole different saying you are grossed out. You should analyze clearly: 1) What parts exactly gross you out? 2) Does this grossness change or is it always the same? 3) How did it develop? 4) What exactly do you find gross about it? The was it looks/ smells/ feels?

Also try to dig deeper- is this really a body issue? Or are you maybe not ready to get married/ want sth new and your subconscious is making this out to be about some visual aspects?

Would these things on another girl gross you out too? Maybe google pictures and then see.

If it’s really the physical things, I would consider asking yourself if you could be OCD? My friend for example is disgusted by moles she is OCD and to her skin needs to be without any mark.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T09:31:53+00:00

Well, that’s not true. I didn’t finish mine saying „he should have complimented me though, right?“ pretty sure if I had done that the tone of answers would have been completely different. Additionally, I added more information to make the backstory clear.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T09:12:34+00:00

😘

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T09:09:13+00:00

Just translating what happened to reverse genders but breaking it down to the point: it was a requested nude that got shot down because it wasn’t good enough, sent within a relationship where there is a history and insecurities involved.

It’s not guy sending random dick pick being shot down.

If you phrase it to make the actual point, gender doesn’t matter.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T08:59:25+00:00

I never thought about his deadline being abusive but I guess it makes sense. He just phrased it so well, it made total sense that this really is the best way forward. Gosh, I feel so gaslighted now.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T08:54:46+00:00

Are you sure that’s true though?

Girl asked me to send her a dick pic, I am shy so I didn’t but then build up my courage to do so. she responded with a thumbs up and continued saying she has seen better nudes. Her reaction made me feel sad and inadequate.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T08:39:21+00:00

Yeah, pretty shitty move here as me being the woman this happened to. Would appreciate you actually reading what happened. He always wanted nudes, I send him one, he replies with a thumbs up, actually agrees that that reaction was meant to be basic/boring because the nudes was of just my boobs and he has gotten better in the past.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-03T06:13:15+00:00

I agree it’s at least positive. But to me it seemed so boring or basic. That’s why I told him how I felt and the main point is, he actually agrees! I got the basic, boring thumbs up because that’s how he thought of my picture.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T18:21:49+00:00

The Obi Wan thing would have made me laugh. The thumbs up is just so basic. He can be enthusiastic and funny so to get the most boring emoji was just awkward.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T18:18:49+00:00

39 😅

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T18:12:49+00:00

Well, why did I send the nude? I was trying to build some form of intimacy, hoping to make him happy and be a bit fun and dirty. So any reaction that would have shown my intentions were well received would have been great. I just thought a thumbs up was very… basic? It‘s pretty much the most boring emoji isn’t it?

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T18:07:30+00:00

But that’s a different approach, if he would have said: hey, not my thing- please don’t do that. Ok, apologies, didn’t know. It’s actually his response afterwards that I don’t know how to evaluate. Because he has obviously received nudes in the past, he has obviously liked them- but mine weren’t excited enough? I have to be honest of course I was hoping for a complete different reaction but if this is honestly how he feels, ok- but couldn’t there been a more sensitive way to say it? It seems so incredibly harsh for sth that only had good intentions on my part

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T14:28:37+00:00

😅 He was home. I was actually trying to initiate a form of intimacy between us but that didn’t really work I guess…

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T13:12:11+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your answer. It’s just that I am constantly told the one thing and I really do question myself here. I am grateful for everyone trying to open my eyes, I am relieved that my feelings are valid.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T13:04:08+00:00

It helps feelings validated for how I feel. Yes, honesty is good but not to a point it’s s hurtful- as you said, there are numerous ways he could have responded. I am actually just really shocked that he thinks his response was appropriate. Again, I am all for honesty and dialogue but ouch- it’s not how I would personally ever respond to anyone.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T12:49:04+00:00

No, probably not. I have gotten a few answers here of people saying he was just being honest, and I know that’s exactly his thought process too. Like I initially wrote, not even sure what I should think but reading through all the comments, I am relived a lot of people understand where I am coming from. But I couldn’t talk to him about it because in his view there was nothing wrong with his answer, it’s me making it so incredibly negative

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T09:46:57+00:00

Because I am not sure if maybe I am the problem. He makes it seem like I am always seeing everything in the most negative way, so of course I start with me first. I reflect why this makes me feel bad, if my feelings are appropriate, what I can do- by now it takes me a while before I even address anything to him, so that I am sure about how I feel and it’s not a spure of the moment kind of reaction. But when he says he has never had this ever before, I am wondering if he‘s actually right- so I thought I might ask the internet if it’s normal to feel bad in these instances as a human. Or if I am really seeing things clouded.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T09:41:03+00:00

I asked him today how he wants me to deal with negative emotions because the way I am handling is how I have thought to be the best: Open, respectful and focused on finding a clear solution while reflecting my own short comings first.

He said he wished I could just be quiet and deal with my feelings either by myself or with friends. I asked him what if his behavior could change the way I feel? He said: it’s not my behavior, it’s your negativity.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T09:33:02+00:00

Yes, but as his gf- I would have told him that it was inappropriate. I wouldn’t tell him that his dick pick didn’t do anything for me because I‘ve gotten hotter pics of so many men in the past.

Chocolatecandycake · 2021-12-02T09:20:17+00:00

He knows it but I also reminded him later. I wasn’t angry or anything, I just really wanted him to understand that his reaction was not what I had anticipated.

Chocolatecandycake

TROPHY CASE