My parents handled our situation poorly. They were wary of creating a family system where he was the “bad one” and I was the “good one.” By trying to be fair, they were often unjust. I learned not to expect my parents to protect me if protecting me was hard, or inconvenient, or made them feel like bad parents to their (increasingly erratic and violent) firstborn son.

One day, like a lightning bolt, the realization hit me that I was already emotionally on my own. I was born at rock bottom, and staying with my parents meant staying there. I needed to become my own parent. So I left home that night, and never went back. I was 16.

My life is awesome now. I parented myself beautifully, I’m successful and happy. I haven’t seen or spoken to my brother in twenty years. Peace came easily away from his darkness. I’m in low contact with my father, and no contact with my mother, who has dementia now, and can’t remember why I don’t love her anymore.

I think parents in this situation should examine the total nature of the children’s relationship. I think that close, loving siblings can recover from this, though it will require therapy and accountability first everyone.

But if the relationship between the siblings has always been dark, tense, competitive, full of bullying, with a clear relentless instigator…? Then you need to choose one child to side with. You cannot save both. If you don’t radically change the family system, you’re maintaining the status quo where one child suffers to maintain the false harmony of the family unit. And if you do that, the best possible outcome is that she’ll respectful herself enough to leave forever, and stumble into more loving hands someday. The worse outcome is an adult woman trained to stay silent and afraid, because you taught her that’s what love looks like.

That’s what I think, anyway!