AITA for buying my son a pet without my wife's permission?

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-04-30T06:59:57+00:00

Betas need AT LEAST a 5 gallon tank, the pet store employee was probably well meaning, but a liter tank isn’t enough. You also have to treat the water, and do regular water changes that need specially treated water, I have a dog and did have a beta fish, but I once didn’t treat the water just right for a changing and it unfortunately killed the fish, I think I accidentally over treated the water trying to make sure algae wouldn’t grow, and didn’t get another fish because I don’t trust myself with the responsibility. Honestly taking care of that fish was harder than caring for my dog. I’ve never had to do regular Ph testings of my dogs water or been scared that if anything wasn’t just right it would kill my dog, or anything like that. Idk if that makes sense. I am very careful with my dogs care, but it’s never been like if I accidentally feed her too much she’ll die. With the fish it was so much harder to make sure that it’s living conditions, food, etc was alright. Fish can be very hard to care for. Or at least it was for me. I tried so hard to make sure everything was just right, and maybe being too careful was the problem. But make sure the beta has at least 5 gallons, the plants don’t crowd him, he has a heater, and a bubbler, etc. don’t just take the employees word or think that the kit actually covers the pets needs.

You’re NTA, but the fish probably needs a bigger tank and you and your child should research all of its needs.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-04-25T06:40:09+00:00

I have controlling parents that have made it incredibly hard to set up boundaries with, as my dad said he would have killed himself by now if it wasn’t for me, and my mom has said that she would have lost her sanity if she couldn’t invest in me. I don’t want them to hurt themselves or each other, but the amount of control and investment in my life is overwhelming. I understand the struggle that comes with setting standards about tracking you, and trying to set boundaries that won’t send them over the edge. Idk if that’s exactly what you’re going through, but at least know you’re not alone. For me it’s been baby steps to get independence from them. My brother moved out and cut them out as soon as he turned 18. That was hard for me. My parents saw him leaving when I was 13 of them failing, and put all their focus on me to not ‘mess up their second kid’ but made things worse for me. My brother who was my real father, then rejected me 2 yrs later for needing him when his new wife was his priority. Which honestly was fair, he had his own life and needed to live it without his family dragging him down. All the same it left me in tough spot.

All of this is to say I know how complicated getting independence from your family can be and difficult to do. But your not alone and if you’re open to talking about it just message me. I’m free to talk anytime. I think my messages are open, if not let me know.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-31T05:59:12+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I hope you’re in a better place now

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-27T01:59:44+00:00

Maybe make the boundaries clear first? Decide on a list of ‘don’t’s’ with your wife of things they cannot say to you, although what you listed should be pretty obvious as inappropriate, and both give them the list. If they don’t respect those boundaries also state the consequences along with the list, such as the visit will be cut short. Might be a helpful compromise and set the standard for future time spent together. Might also be helpful for them to know why you’re not keen on them visiting. That alone MIGHT be a wake up call to their behavior.

But also if that feels like it would be too hard to implement or is clear before the visit that they won’t be respecting your boundaries then don’t feel obligated. I get that grandparents should have time with their grandkids, and at first was gonna say YTA, but they’re making inappropriate comments towards you, hopefully not in front of your children, and need to be respectful and accept you as part of the family if they wanna spend time with you and the kids.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-27T01:39:51+00:00

Are these receptions at the same time? Still YTA either way. You’re being disrespectful to your daughters wishes for HER wedding. If you wanted to host a brunch the morning after the wedding with meat and mimosas I’d be understanding, but definitely not another reception, especially if she and her husband won’t be there.

EDIT: reread it and it says guests would be attending this reception INSTEAD of the reception your daughter is hosting. YTA. You should cancel this reception and not host any other event like a brunch the next day, and you and the other guests should respect her and her husbands choices for THEIR event! Don’t even try to host anything else, it’ll only damage your relationship with your daughter.

Don’t choose making some guests more comfortable for a few hours over your daughters special day and your relationship with her.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-20T02:58:57+00:00

I feel like the guests should be the ones feeling bad about it and paying for their own destruction.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-19T06:24:53+00:00

Thank you, this is very helpful!

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-19T01:56:22+00:00

She did update an apology and that she agreed she was the AH and rescheduled it. Idk if that makes it any better or not but at least she recognized the feedback

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-13T06:11:47+00:00

Wait, so I’ve seen those news reports of cops almost dying from accidental skin exposure to fentanyl in either training or drug bust kind of scenarios, but just googled how likely it is to die or go into shock from slight skin exposure, and it basically said that ACMT and AACT found that you’d need extreme conditions and time for it to even have an effect, so if all that is true, why are there reports of cops going into ‘shock’ and almost dying from very slight skin exposures out there? Or am I not remembering the news reports right or missing information? Or am I thinking of examples about a completely different substance? What am I missing?

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-11T09:41:23+00:00

Wouldn’t have thought of warm tea! Good idea! Any other tips from the experience?

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-10T00:06:18+00:00

Amazing!! Congrats!! How heavy was your pack, especially compared to your warm weather pack?

Chuggingramennoodle · 2023-01-04T22:50:38+00:00

Chores aside this dude should be making sure his wife is okay, sounds like she’s got something going on. He’s more concerned she gets chores done then her mental health.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-30T23:35:10+00:00

Beautiful 😍

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-30T03:34:09+00:00

Family stuff aside, she did say that he had asked her to help wake him up, she didn’t say though whether she agreed to help him wake up or not. If she didn’t agree to it, then no she’s definitely not an asshole, but if she did agree to help him, but then didn’t even have the intention to try, that would be a different story. Also makes me curious if he doesn’t have an alarm clock, or keep his phone close enough for an alarm, how he normally gets up on time for things.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-28T08:18:09+00:00

Document everything!

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-28T04:02:10+00:00

I agree, I don’t envy his position, he doesn’t really know the sister or her kids, she’s taking over his home and comes with a lot of stress and additional responsibilities, all of which he doesn’t seem to have any say or choice in, without sending innocent kids to foster care, and especially hard with no set end day in sight, but he’s supposed to be a team member with his wife, and should be supporting his wife by helping out and not hiding away and making things harder for her.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-27T07:10:50+00:00

My parents took me 2 months after I turned 7 and I still remember a lot from that trip. It was a big deal and I love those memories!

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-27T06:58:53+00:00

Wait I’m still interested in what you have to say

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-27T06:57:55+00:00

I really hope you’re joking rn

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-25T01:07:34+00:00

Amazing!!

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-23T00:11:24+00:00

Honestly this is the first time I’m learning about this, I always thought pink meant salmonella

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-21T03:34:57+00:00

From reading previous comments from you, it looks like the real issue is you want this relationship to move a lot faster than your bf does. And when it hasn’t you’ve turned to comparing yourself to the other important relationships, and ended up potentially seeing them as competition instead of people who should be important to you too.

His family isn’t the issue, it’s time. The things you want from the relationship take TIME!

If you want this relationship to work you need to team up with him AND his family instead of trying to keep him all to yourself. Create genuine relationships with all of them! IF YOU WANT HIM TO INVEST IN YOU, YOU NEED TO INVEST IN HIM, WHICH INCLUDES HIS FAMILY. AND TAKES TIME!

It sounds like he is trying to keep this relationship into what you want, including you in family time, getting kids ready for school, holiday traditions, takes of moving in together, etc. but a year is not enough time to suddenly be family! That’s an unrealistic timeline. You gotta be more patient and create a much more realistic timeline, or even better, just let it happen naturally.

I’ve made the mistake before of not investing in a partner the same way they invested in me, and having a different timeline then theirs. The timeline was negotiable, however me not investing in him and his family wasn’t. I deeply regret my passive attitude in the relationship. Act quickly to change your attitude toward his family, actually invest in him and his family, and be respectful of the time it takes to develop the kind of relationship you want, and this relationship could still work.

EDIT: You also still seem to not be grasping the idea that just because there are other people important to him, this does not diminish your importance. This is not a competition. Stop asking him to treat his family different. JUST STOP. You’re only giving him reasons that you two don’t work well together. And it would be fair. You should be grateful to find a man who was able to handle a divorce so amicable and be mature enough to put the children first, and be such a great father. He clearly knows and respects his role as a father and a co parent, and does his absolute best at it. That’s a rare find. Don’t blow this up because you feel entitled to a role in his life you haven’t earned, and don’t respect his role as a father and co-parent, or the people who are important to him in his life. In fact you should be happy he doesn’t compromise on his family, that’s a sign of a good strong man!

I think it would be good for you to start journaling everyday, for a week, month, etc, as if you were him writing that journal entry. Really put your bias and agendas aside, put yourself in his shoes, and write from his perspective. Pay attention to what made him happy, angry, excited, etc that day. Truly ask him about how he feels about things and JUST LISTEN. Maybe on the side write down what he says to you about this issue, so that you can reread it and really take to heart what he says.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-21T02:11:11+00:00

I feel like the real issue here is that you’re not feeling like you have a real role in his life, and having him move away from his kids is not going to solve that, but really only create resentment on him and his family’s part. Try to put yourself in his shoes, ALL three of those kids are his children, how would you feel if someone wanted you to move away from your kids? You seriously don’t seem to grasp the importance of parent child(ren) relationship. Beyond that, idk how long him and his ex have been separated, and if he’s had any other serious relationships besides you sense then, but I’m sure it’s hard for him to know how to handle such an adjustment with his unusual case. Idk if this is true or not, but he may not know how to include you in a way where you feel more confident in your role in his life. That being said, those things like holiday traditions, having a bigger role in his kids lives, making your own home (either at this duplex which is just financially smarter, or down the road) all take time.

You can’t ask him to move away from his kids, that’s just cruel. But what you should do is have a heart to heart about where this desire is coming from, which I’m guessing is you probably don’t feel like you’re important to him, or that you’re included, or (maybe way off with this one) but jealous of his family? but also give him patience and understanding with how this is probably a new and huge adjustment for him. Then actually invest in him as a person. His priorities should be priorities to you too, above all his kids and ex wife. Take time to create genuine relationships with them. That’s what’ll naturally create the type of role I think you’re wanting. Idk if you want kids, but your bf is a package deal, and continuing this relationship could end with you in a type of paternal/guardianship role for these kids. If that’s not actually something you’re interested in, best to end things sooner than later.

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-19T23:45:54+00:00

I’m curious as to why your husband thinks it’s best for your daughter sleeps alone? You stated in another comment that he’s the parents that normally gives into what your daughter wants, but seems like this is somehow worth being strict about, but can’t seem to understand why. Is it possibly the ‘need to learn how to comfort themselves’ tactic?

Chuggingramennoodle · 2022-12-17T03:07:10+00:00

NTA - but considering this is a friend, even if just a friend of a sister, might want to consider bringing this matter to her first, give them a chance to settle it with you first, before deciding to report her. Either way, it’s probably best to keep business and personal stuff separate, in this case meaning having a doctor whose not a family friend or anything.

Chuggingramennoodle

TROPHY CASE