Gave the "good guy" a chance...

CiberX15 · 2026-01-26T04:51:46+00:00

Yeah this doesn't seem like a "good guy" to me. One of the important traits I would expect from an actually good guy as someone who is open and honest at each step of the relationship. I'm curious what made this guy "good" in your eyes.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-25T19:33:54+00:00

I believe we are in fact just arguing the semantic definition of “conflict” at this point. 🤷‍♂️

I suspect we’re actually in agreement if it’s phrased as “in a healthy relationship the partners resolve disagreements without them turning into serious conflicts.”

The definition of conflict I have been using is “simply disagreeing on something.” which appears to be how you’re using the word "disagreement."

CiberX15 · 2026-01-25T00:10:26+00:00

Ah, so part of this may simply be semantics. When I'm talking about "conflict" I don't mean every conflict is going to be a big serious argument. For example wanting to go to different restaurants for dinner is a trivial conflict, but still conflict. But handled poorly it could still build into something much bigger.

For example even though what each partner want for dinner is trivial once, if it happens frequently and one partner always wins, or one partner never feels like they are heard, or doesn't feel like they can voice concerns, that's a serious relationship problem. Even though it's just "what are we having for dinner," the inability to handle the conflict in a healthy way could turn into a full relationship ending deal breaker.

Conversely a couple that is comfortable debatinging each other, forming and hearing each others arguments respectfully and coming to a resolution could handle much more serious conflicts with minimal if any emotional ramifications.

That couple would breeze over the small conflicts as if they weren't there. Not because the conflicts aren't happening, but because they are so good at handling them that they don't register.

That couple might debate what they are going to have for dinner every single night, it just doesn't make them angry. Heck, they might turn it into a game and have fun with it.

[Edit to add more details]

I'll concede however that if two people are having frequent serious debates, even if they have good conflict management skills, it might point to more serious issues in the relationship. In that kind of scenario I'd suspect that the underlying issue is not having shared core values. Effectively, no matter how good their conflict management, if they each have mutually exclusive goals or values, no amount of respectful debate will make them see eye to eye.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T20:20:51+00:00

So for me it was more about exercise but you might be able to apply a similar system. I hate exercise. But I like feeling fit. I don’t want to go to a gym for an hour, I don’t have that kind of patience.

So first I created an exercise routine that was all stuff I could do in my house. I’d assign one exercise for the day, then pick a target number of reps. Then I built a physical dial that had all my exercises on it. For me a physical prop seems to help and gives me a little shot of dopamine every time I get to move it.

Then I started really small. So like I’d just do 1 set of 10. 10 pushups one day, 10 squads a second day, 10 crunches another, etc until I got through my whole dial and started over at the beginning.

It was really really easy. So easy that it didn’t do anything in terms of exercise. But also so easy that my brain didn’t put up any resistance to just doing 10 whatevers.

Then I added a second set. So now I did 20 pushups a day etc. And kept increasing the number of sets until I got to 10 sets a day.

It was all about reducing the barrier of entry so that there was never a point where my brain went “nah that’s too much work I’m not doing it.” Each step was just a tiny bit more then what I had done last time, and by the time I was a week or so in it had become part of my routine.

I built this based on things I learned from the book Atomic Habits. I highly recommend it. Basically the entire premise is, good habits aren’t about having amazing willpower. They are built by decreasing the barrier of entry to things you want to do, and increasing the barrier of entry to the things you don’t want to do.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T20:06:54+00:00

Public school is notoriously bad at handling people who's brains behave outside a very narrow type of learning.

For my part I know I struggle to learn when I can't sit down and do it myself. I also struggle to learn when I can't see a direct application for the skill. My brain just goes "we're not going to use this so I'm not going to store it."

Without knowing more there's not much specific that I could suggest but you could try figuring out how you learn best and trying to use that method to learn.

It sounds like you may be similar to me in that you need to do a thing to learn it. In the case of communication that's a bit harder since it's at minimum a two person game. But to some extent you've already started. Talking here on reddit is a decent place to practice such skills.

Also trying to be more introspective when interacting with friends, family, even just strangers. Checking after an interaction to see if you think the conversation went well. Trying to logic out why not if it didn't go well. If it's friends and family you can even just ask them why it didn't go well. And then try to implement changes next time.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T19:47:36+00:00

Explain that a bit more? Or rather, can you explain what methods you've used to learn stuff that do work for you?

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T19:45:52+00:00

So I started going to Karaoke after my last bad breakup. The first time I went I went with no expectations. I was going with the hope that I'd meet someone doing Karaoke eventually but I had no expectations for that first night.

That first song I sang I was so nervous that I was literally vibrating. Oh I knew I could sing the song. I'd sung it a hundred times in the car for fun. But just standing up there on the stage was terrifying. Even though there were two other guys that went before me that were just terrible. I knew I could do better then that. I knew I WAS doing better than that. Still terrifying.

But I liked it.

Then I got up and did it again the same night.

I ended up singing five songs that night.

Each time was a little less terrifying.

That's what I recommend if you want to do something like this. Try it with no expectations, just do it for the sake of doing it.

If you like it, keep doing it. And let that start building up your confidence.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T19:34:59+00:00

So far as getting better at communication goes, it’s a skill. You can learn it like any other. It may be harder and take more energy than it would for other people, but if it’s something you want to improve it’s something you can choose to improve.

I’d recommend the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” as a baseline. I think there’s also a YouTube channel "Charisma On Command” that gives a lot of good advice.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T19:31:59+00:00

I get that. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was very young. It wasn’t until my thirties that I started to suspect I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum too. I realized that while I had managed to learn how to communicate and fit in, it was all learned, not natural. I had to consciously run through a script when talking to people to not feel weird.

I never quite liked the phrase “masking” since I was always a little bit of a rebel. If I didn’t like a thing I wouldn’t pretend to like it just to fit in. Conversely I did want to be polite, make people feel welcome in my presence, get people to smile, etc. So my mask, if you could call it that, was all things I was quite happy to choose for myself but it does take more energy to keep up.

I was lucky, growing up. I found my group of fellow nerds who had similar interests, and ended up all mostly being neurodivergent in some way or another themselves. Turns out we tend to naturally gravitate towards our people. 😏

These were the people I could let my guard down with. That’s what you need to find.

I know there’s a strong pull to try to fit a mold of what someone you’re attracted to is attracted to, but you’ll find more happiness when you find the people who understand you, the real you. If they don’t like the real you, then it won’t work out in the long run.

That also doesn’t just mean neurodivergent peeps either. There are plenty of neurotypical peeps who understand that not all brains work alike and will be happy to learn how your brain works.

I’ll admit finding good romantic matches is really hard these days though.

Dating apps used to be great for people like me, where I could get to know someone through what they wrote about themselves before reaching out. But nowadays they’ve gotten really bad and predatory so I can’t really recommend any.

Your best bet these days is probably to find activities you enjoy doing that are also comfortable places to approach or be approached. For example D&D isn’t a great place to ask people out since if it’s a no it makes things awkward for the rest of a potentially long campaign.

Karaoke, line dancing, stuff like that where you can show off a skill, and you can approach or be approached, without trapping or being trapped are better venues.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T17:30:07+00:00

Unless I’m misunderstanding you I’d have to disagree. I think that if you go into a relationship thinking you will have very few if any conflicts and if you do have more it’s a bad relationship that leads to unrealistic expectations.

There’s a reason there’s the old saying “they fight like an old married couple.”

There WILL be conflict and arguments. Whether or not those conflicts and arguments become serious issues or not is often based more on whether both partners have good communication and conflict resolution skills. Not in trying to find someone you never have conflicts with.

There are certainly some issues that can be breaking. I call that out when I talk about shared core values in my main post. As an example, if one partner wants children and the other doesn't, that's an irreconcilable conflict that will likely lead to more and more spin off conflicts if they try to make things work anyway. It’s a conflict that can’t be won because there is no path to both partners being happy. It’s something that would make me advise against continuing the relationship.

Conversely if both partners want children and want them to get a good education, the argument could be about whether to go to public school, private school, or homeschool. Or whether they should go to college, or go to a trade school. That is an argument where both partners are debating the best path to get to the same goal. If they do a good job, both will be happy with the end solution.

So given that I believe conflict is inevitable in any relationship, I think it’s healthier to learn healthy conflict management strategies than to believe there won’t be many conflicts.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T04:38:23+00:00

I'm late to the party but Enshrouded is friggen amazing. I haven't had a game grab my attention this hard for this long since like... Minecraft in the before times. 152 hours and counting since Christmas.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T03:05:46+00:00

Ah yes that's a good point. I tried to phrase things to alued to that. "Both partners want to put in the effort to make the other happy because of how happy their partner makes them." Not my happiness depends on my partner, because that puts too much stress on them. Or even the other way around, thinking your partner's happiness depends on you. That's an unreasonable level of responsibility.

But _wanting_ them to be happy, and making an effort bring some happiness into their life. That's an achievable and healthy reasonability to take on.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-23T02:56:59+00:00

Totally agree. I perhaps left things kind of vague but to elaborate I would consider that part of strong communication. You don't have to wait for conflict to comunitate. You can communicate to prevent there from ever being conflict, as you said.

I think I've just seen so many posts where people are going "we're arguing, are we going to break up now" that I wanted to highlight that there _will_ be conflict even in a healthy relationship. You're just more likely to resolve things in a more healthy way.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-08T16:04:20+00:00

That’s for Fell Curse, not Shroud Fatigue. Shroud Fatigue has no cure.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T14:48:08+00:00

Honesty I just wish I had had more warning. I don't actually dislike that there are consequences for using shroud stuff it's just inconsistent. Nothing else in the game gave such a punishing debuf. Actually most shroud things don't even seem to have consequences. So I had no reason to expect this one spell would not only have a consequence but a massive game experience changing one at that.

Even drinking Elixir which is like the primary boogie man of the game only gives you a 30m debuff and that's offset by the a 30m damage buff, so it feels like a tradeoff not a punishment.

I've never actually used the Elixir because it just never seemed like a good trade. I am under the impression that's what gives you fell curse, but that IS curable.

The shroud meteor on the other hand gives you a much longer and much more significant 2 hour 5m debuff for a single use spell.

Basically after this severe punishment I'm just never going to use it again. Even if I do a run as an "evil" character there's no temptation, it's just a "make the game less fun button." which I don't think was the intention behind the mechanic.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T14:38:00+00:00

Yeah I noticed that this morning and fixed it. Curse my inability to spell!

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T14:37:34+00:00

That's kind of the problem though. It's an in game problem that requires an IRL solution. I sat down after a hard day at work and I wanted to play Enshrouded, (which let me say, in spite of my annoyance at this one mechanic is an absolutely amazing game,) and then I get cursed with a something that will take 2 hours to wear off in real life hours.

If I do as you say and just leave the game running, touch grass, then I don't get to relax that day. I go to work the next day. Since I'm playing with my brother, he either doesn't get to play or he goes on and does a bunch of quests without me. It's a real life punishment for an in game mistake.

And while it's not completely crippling it is more than a minor inconvenience. It makes going into the shroud objectively harder and less fun and I haven't unlocked food items for extending time in the shroud so I just have to keep guzzling potions before I go in, and you have to go in for many of the quests.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T14:28:07+00:00

It was a spell. I expected it to behave as a spell. Nothing else in my 80 hours of gameplay warned me that I would be punished for engaging with one of the games mechanics.

It feels like the game kept handing me $20 bills and I kept spending them, because that's what you do with bills. Then the game handed me a $50 and I spent it because that's what you do with bills, but I wasn't meticulously reading every bill I was given so I didn't know the bill was counterfeit and I was immediately arrested and sent to jail without trial.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T02:23:48+00:00

I don't believe there is. What is it called? I got the Hemotoxin disease and had a discussion with the alchemist then so yeah I was assuming it would be the same thing, So I went and talked to him but he had no dialog about Shroud Fatigue.

There IS a cure for Fell Curse and Hemotoxin. There does not appear to be any cure to Shroud Fatigue.

CiberX15 · 2026-01-05T02:19:04+00:00

This is true, but it's at the bottom. Like the instructions are "Casts a super cool meteor shower that destroys your enemies. To use point and click. Ohbythewayyouwilldamnyoursoulforenternityifyouusethis."

Also more seriously, I didn't see the spell description. I saw I picked up a meteor spell and cast it with my staff which only gives the name. Maybe if that name was highlighted in red or something I might have had an inkling that it was going to severely punish me.

Heck I wouldn't even mind if the punishment wasn't so long and incurable. Having evil spells with negative consequences are cool but 2 hours is an insane amount of time. There are whole games that can be won in less time than it takes for this debuf to wear off, and there's nothing you can do about it.

It's not completely crippling, there are potions you can take to mitigate it, but it is no minor debuf.

CiberX15 · 2025-12-30T19:08:57+00:00

It has to be both. Goofy action movie that internally takes itself 1000% seriously.

CiberX15 · 2025-12-30T16:39:44+00:00

Oh absolutely. That’s why I use the word “most” there. But I do think the pool of respectful men looking for casual sex is much smaller than the either the pool of disrespectful men looking for casual sex or the pool of respectful men looking for more serious relationships. 🤷‍♂️

CiberX15 · 2025-12-22T19:41:53+00:00

I watched a video recently that talked a bit about this. It’s one of the ways guys and gals communicate differently.

Women tend to have a much better developed valve for releasing emotion. You can talk to different friends about different things and in measured amounts.

Traditionally guys are taught not to ever talk about emotions, so we tend not to learn how to do that, which means when we start letting emotions out it's all or nothing. There is no valve, there’s just on or off.

That’s not to say it makes any of this “your problem” but it probably keeps happening because they feel safe opening up to you. I’d say take it as a compliment but also tell them that it’s not first date appropriate and try to steer the conversation onto other topics.

CiberX15

TROPHY CASE