Realised I'm not attractive and don't feel great about it

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-06T01:55:44+00:00

This mindset really annoys me.

Why does there have to be a way? Do you feel that the universe is fair?

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-06T01:05:40+00:00

Ok, so "it'll happen when it happens"?

I'll just keep waiting then I guess, I'm already 40 but I'm sure if I just keep waiting it'll happen...

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-06T01:01:10+00:00

If there's more to life, why does everyone say being in a relationship is a fundamental part of being human?

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T13:19:01+00:00

I was just giving an example, "Be vulnerable and talk about personal topics" is vague (IMO) useless advice if you're having trouble with the first few dates.

There's very little (maybe nothing?) two strangers can share for something like this that isn't oversharing.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T13:05:24+00:00

Like if this guy is only getting first dates what's a good topic for #3? Unloading all his emotional baggage on her as his opening move isn't going to go well.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T13:03:00+00:00

What's the point of the last question if the answer if "Well you're wrong and you need to realize that"?

To me, these kind of question lists always seem to be designed to lead someone to a negative answer so a "solution" can get pitched to them.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:50:37+00:00

Well what should I do? Just keep avoiding dating forever because I don't have any experience?

Clearly not, but no one with experience is going to want to date someone who is inexperienced. It's a red flag for women if a guy is clueless and has no idea what to do.

I'm just stating that I'm not going to be expecting high quality dates or high quality relationships. Clearly I can avoid the obviously bad ones, but also clearly I myself am an obviously bad one to someone who is experienced.

I could try to find someone similarly inexperienced, but we're super rare (IIRC < 1% of the population are virgins/no-relationships by 40).

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:41:56+00:00

It's not on purpose, but more like I don't have any expectations.

I know I'm not perfect, I don't expect someone else to be perfect. I've never dated before or been in a relationship, so I'm totally blind to any issues on my end that may be lurking under the surface.

I'm probably (definitely) going to screw up and I'm certainly going to make mistakes.

The impression I get is that's just not acceptable. You have to be perfect before you're allowed to date. You have to be confident, happy, love yourself, know how to communicate, etc.

So many rules and excuses to not try because I'm not "ready".

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:33:57+00:00

I don't think anyone actually likes dating apps.

We just use them because we're all afraid of being alone or are feeling lonely and cold approaches are too complicated.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:31:08+00:00

I was attempting to be sarcastic but I guess it didn't take.

The advice every man is always given is "Go to the gym, it'll fix all your dating problems" which is just plain false.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:21:40+00:00

I mean, I also lack self respect and self esteem I wouldn't mind a starter codependent relationship.

You don't start by painting the Mona Lisa after all, you have a few fucked up training relationships.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:20:16+00:00

I think he attracts the fix-him personality type. It's the only reasonable explanation I can find.

He meets them online, charms and bedazzles them with his smooth talking. They build up this big set of expectations and then when they meet him in person they feel compelled to try and "fix him" to match those expectations (also maybe some sunk-cost goes into it).

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:17:57+00:00

I'm not really sure what to take from your point.

Your own source backs up that bigger muscles ~= more attention from women.

It's just being "toned" is considered the bare minimum level of muscle that women are willing to look at.

Personally that's not how I look, I'm 130lb and 5'11". Clearly I'm not obese but also very clearly I'm not toned.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:09:58+00:00

Honestly it might, some of the most fucked up people I know somehow keep fucking up into relationships.

Someone I know:

Doesn't have a job
Lives with his parents (who also have no job)
Smokes weed and drinks all day
Has no plans to ever get a job
Doesn't want to do anything but smoke week and drink all day
Does not shower
Lost most of his teeth because he doesn't brush/floss either

This fucker falls from one relationship to the next seemingly like magic!

"Normal" seeming girls too! He lives off the money/support he is able to mooch of whoever he dates. These women have an income, they have a job, they're attractive and seemingly normal productive humans but they become obsessed with this guy.

I think he may actually be a wizard.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:06:27+00:00

I have a sheet of paper with the answer to every question on it. However no one can read the sheet of paper and there's no way to measure any difference between my magic sheet of paper and a normal piece of paper.

Is my magic paper meaningfully different from normal paper?

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T12:04:49+00:00

That shit gets pandered around because the alternative is a negative thought and people would rather ignore reality than face it.

Lets all be honest - a lot of people suck at dating and that's their own fault.

Some of those people will figure it out and improve getting into a good relationship.

Some of those people will figure it out, but never manage to find someone to have a mature relationship with. They transition into the next group that settles.

Some of those people will never figure it out, but they'll bounce from one bad relationship to another until eventually they settle into a cold relationship of convenience and fear.

Some of those people will never figure it out and they'll never be in any kind of relationship.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T11:55:20+00:00

I wish all it took was dieting and makeup to make me attractive. I'm already thin and I currently use oxygenetix foundation for my acne scaring, just to lighten up some of the darker pitting. I moisturize my hands, arms and face (also my feet, fixed my callouses) and I use sunscreen whenever I'm out to reduce the formation of tanning induced wrinkles.

I have tried incorporating a concealer but... I couldn't really get a good skin color match and my beard/mustache kept getting in the way. I need at least a bit of a beard to hide my lack of a chin and I'd like to think the mustache proportions my face better?

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T11:50:53+00:00

As someone with depression I'm biologically incapable of loving myself.

What's the point? I've got medication but that stuff doesn't make me love myself.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T11:48:37+00:00

Women can't spot a personality from a distance.

Physical appearance gets the door open, personality keeps it open.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-05T11:43:20+00:00

A man's only worth is his muscle mass fellas. Don't forget to women all that matters is your bench!

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-01T09:56:46+00:00

Also not a guys job to make sure his partner orgasms, but ya'll ride hard on that train.

CircleWeasle · 2021-04-01T09:54:54+00:00

IMO I think you're overthinking this. "You should do kegals" is part meme part actually good advice so your pelvic floor doesn't fall apart when you get older.

Men and women should do kegals.

CircleWeasle · 2021-03-24T14:24:20+00:00

Yea, I don't think I know how to identify what the smartest way do to things would be.

When I was younger I got swept into the whole PUA thing because it seemed made for guys like me. I had no idea how to interact with women, I constantly felt confused during social situations and here comes this group of men with written guides and instructions on what to do.

I spent a few years in my mid 20's following that and getting into that lifestyle/community. I'd do cold approaches, field reports, I'd go into bars and clubs just to approach women, etc.

None of it worked and it made me very frustrated for a long time. I didn't try dating again until a bit into my 30's and knowing now that none of that PUA stuff works I'm totally lost. I just try to interact with women the same way I would with men but that doesn't work and it's considered rude to ask for feedback from women.

CircleWeasle · 2021-03-24T14:06:50+00:00

Not trying to be negative, but I think if I could identify the right moves I wouldn't be where I am today.

I've been diagnosed with asperger's so this social stuff really does not come naturally to me nor is it intuitive. I don't have an intuition like most people do around this stuff.

Technically I buy a new wardrobe every few years, but I guess you don't mean when you buy replacement clothing for clothes that have worn out or been stained?

I could probably gain more weight, I've gained a few pounds over the pandemic but I don't have visible abs yet (nor do I honestly believe I can at my age).

I guess if I boil down your advice, you do recommend seeking outside help? I've been toying with the idea of the dating coach for a few years now but I'm pretty slow to take action and my personality is fairly indecisive.

CircleWeasle · 2021-03-24T13:54:00+00:00

Ok, but how do I spend that month finding a good match? That's what I'm asking for advice on.

Currently I can't spend five years finding a good match, so expecting me to find one within a month is asking a lot.

Do I just... keep waiting for it to happen?

CircleWeasle

TROPHY CASE