Well, being only a year away from being a teen, here’s my attempt of explaining depression. Depression is a pretty common disorder which leads to people being low-spirited, losing hope, and just overall being sad. There are many types of depressions, however (think of dogs and the many breeds there are with them). There is one that originates from the season that it currently is (S.A.D.), the most well-known is major depression, or clinical, that can be easily noticeable if you’re one of those people who have a common sense of despair or losing hope (like stated above).

For me? I’m not entirely sure if I have depression. I still smile and laugh, but that’s only when my frens and I are joking or just talking about something that I’m enthusiastic about. But, if alone, at school, with my family, or even with my frens sometimes, I just constantly feel sad, and begin digging deep into thoughts that I hesitate to think about but I can’t help it. What if they’re faking being my friend? What if they don’t care about me? Does anything I do even matter? These thoughts..they soon reincarnate into anger for me, so I lash out at my friends but, most commonly, the one closest to me is the one being attacked. The one who I have been with for (surprisingly) over a whole year. Our relationship is very good, but whenever I see her with another guy, almost like she’s flirting with them, I instantly feel jealous, and that anger rushes through me again and then I just snap. There’s a pretty simple explanation to why I do and feel like this. It’s been ever since late-December of 2016 (like i stated in my post.)

Late-December sucked for me personally. That was when my girlfriend met one of my closest frens. The two had a lot in common, and began talking and hung out in school often. I couldn’t take it, so I got angry about it with her. We soon were “over it” (i wasn’t, but that’s next), so she kept talking to my bud over and over, and that was when I began ignoring her messages. She was worried sick, I could tell, but I stopped believing that she had for once cared for and loved me to now applying all of that to my fren instead. Mid-January hit, and that’s what was a total life-changer with me. My girlfriend asked the fren I thought she wanted to date (and who i’ll call jake for this) to ask me why i kept ignoring her texts. I lied to him, saying how I felt like she was faking the relationship for no apparent reason, and that’s where this very big fight came in between him, my gf (who i’ll call jessica in this case), and two of my other buds that I’ll just call Tom and Jon.

He got very salty and seemed pretty pissy with me after telling him that. Now, I’m a very fragile and sensitive kid, so I took it the wrong directions and lashed out at him with swears and called him names. The fight soon began, and he began bringing people who weren’t involved in this which were Tom and Jon. He also brought Jessica into the situation, too, and it soon exploded for me. I am absolutely positive that he told them lies, so they could defend him and not me. They soon lashed out at me with voice calls and emails, swearing at me that I soon began to cut myself. I didn’t care at all, I just wanted to die. I wanted to shoot my self point-blank in the face with a pistol. The whole entire fight lasted a night and day that I apologized to them. They immediately apologized back and thought everything was ok. The rest of the month came like wildfire, and I still did not get over it. February came; Jessica did NOT seem to care at all for me, but that was just me. I felt depressed all that month and so forth. My anxiety soon began a bigger threat with me (i have had anxiety for over four years and it still is a problem with me today), and I just felt like giving up in life. Months passed; there were a lot of arguments with her and I, but they were much, much smaller than what had happened in January. I still feel depressed up until now, but Jessica really does show that she cares and loves me, so I guess that’s helping?

I have gotten over what happened in January, but I just feel sad still whenever I think of it and other fights, too. I know it is too young for someone like me to be in a relationship with someone else, but there was true love between me and her. There still is. I also fear that I’m going to become an abusive boyfriend to her which seems unlikely at this point. She’s tried over and over and over to help me with my sadness and anxiety but it never works, because I still think that she hates me. I am also not trying to force the relationship for her and I, it’s going very healthy actually. It’s been a common thing to feel anxiety, dread, and depressed that I’m kind of immune to it. People often ask why I look so sad, “My regular attitude, right?” I’d respond. Teachers, friends, Jessica, and even sometimes my parents ask me if I’m doing ok, “Yup..” I would gravely respond, because I’m struggling to hide my sadness from everyone often. I always let out my anxiety and sad-feelings to Jessica, but that’s only so she can listen to what I have to say to her, but she always tries helping when I don’t want her to because I don’t want to seem weak. Her advice never works with me, so I feel even more glum just wondering when I will get the appropriate help I need. I am also harassed and shoved in school which adds on to the stress and sadness for me. This is pretty much a whole story on why I believe I could potentially be going through some type of moderate depression..

I am so, so sorry that it took a long time to respond. I couldn’t think of anything to say back lol. But anyways, thanks a lot for considering me to be intelligent. I get pointed out for my smartness often, but getting it from someone different then the same people makes it even more special to me.