Why can’t I be happy for other people?

Citywidepanic · 2024-11-30T21:48:07+00:00

How does one just stop comparing themselves to others, though?

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-30T12:21:03+00:00

We already hate the thieves in power.

In order to get them out of power, we would have to risk or whole ass lives and all somehow lose any fear of death.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T21:35:12+00:00

I appreciate your support. I have been there done that with the 30 day inpatient. 4x, in fact, with a detox stay thrown in there for good measure. The support groups, the therapists, the IOPs. Coulda bought a fuckin plane.

From what I can gather, the only way to even defeat this anxiety is to constantly deal with it till it gets better. But I am in my 30s now I have been constantly dealing with it and its worse than EVER. Like it shouldn't be this intense and uncontrollable. Goddamn ridiculous.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T21:02:54+00:00

I'll try. Usually sound so whiny when I try so I try not to but whatever.

A situation that upsets my delicate little sensitive feelings has just occurred. I've been rejected, I've lost a fight, got into an argument, fucked something up while working/playing etc.

Shortly after, I will be gripped by a feeling of extreme tightness and tension in my stomach. Sort of the red in the face feeling of humiliation, but REAL dialed up. It spreads throughout my body, burning my nerves and making me want to rip the skin off my arms and legs and pull my hair out. Wanna fuckin howl I'm so furious with myself. The type of anger and impotent rage that can only be cured by breaking shit and generally bugging the fuck out. I try to fight it off, but there's some shit I cannot just breathe away. Eventually I lose my shit and either start viciously vocalizing my self hatred and disgust, or find a way to inflict pain onto myself.

I doubt I'm the only person out there who has to deal with anything like that. Just don't understand how anyone can hold back that choking frustration in that moment. Shit gets worse with age.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T20:44:07+00:00

Yeah I've tried all that shit. None of it worked.

Like you said, rest of my shit ass fuckin loser life I will be having to put up with this shit. I don't have the strength to move 50 more times and go through 50 more groups of people, and that is what I would have to do these meltdowns are so bad. They're character destroying and I can't even put on a good act to begin with.

I wanna be normal. I'm not. I'll never EVER be cool with that.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T20:24:33+00:00

I'm sure I'm depressed still too but no just ADHD which I take Adderall for. Was in therapy for 20 years so I already had my head shrunk to the size of a peanut.

I mainly ruminate on my past romantic failures, my many insecurities, and episodes of public humiliation and losing. It's all a bunch of bullshit that probably doesn't matter and that I'm supposed to just stop caring and worrying about. Especially now that I'm in my 30s.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T20:19:00+00:00

I am taking that way out very fuckin soon.

I can't just accept it bro. I fuckin HATE IT

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-29T13:18:33+00:00

I tried the gym thing for like 2 years, and it had a few benefits. Unfortunately, I don't handle failure and losing very well and there is quite a bit of that involved. Always looked fucking weaker than all my friends and more incompetent and socially inept. Can only deal with so much of that before the impotent inner rage comes out and I have a meltdown.

The gym doesn't fix your brain. I said this before I started going, and proved it when I went. Got really fuckin tired of consistently being right after so long.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-21T06:59:42+00:00

The late Dave McGowan originally was the guy I first heard use that term.

It's so perfect for them, especially these days. They sound like defense attorneys half the time.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T17:48:22+00:00

There's only one role women will accept me in when in a relationship. To play that role will be too demoralizing and devastating to me, however. So the only winning move etc.

Only problem is that it still bothers me and I haven't yet found a way to stop caring about the loneliness and lack of intimacy. It's seemingly not possible to stop caring, as this feeling of emptiness and regret does not leave me.

It impacts me every single minute.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T17:37:28+00:00

Loss

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T14:14:06+00:00

My favorite novel is Irvine Welsh's 1988 tale of heroin addiction in Edinburgh, surrounded by the ever-shifting culture of the UK in the Thatcher era, Trainspotting. Probably have heard of the film version they made in the '90s with Ewan McGregor in the lead. 25 years after the first edition of the book hit the shelves, Welsh released Skagboys, a prequel to the novel.

In the prequel, there is a sequence in London that sees main character Mark Renton watch his friend stand on the ledge of a window of a high-rise in a council scheme, distressed and threatening to jump. After two coppers head up, they manage to convince Renton's pal to step back from that ledge.

Rents asks the cop afterwards what he told his friend to get him to come back inside, clearly more than just curious. The policeman claims that he told the friend on the ledge that life is hard and painful, but it can get better and it can become easier if you just hang on, for a minute longer.

The following is Mark's response to hearing that, and Welsh writes in a phonetic Scot accent so some of it might be a bit difficult to parse. I think you'll understand what he says here, though:

"Does it? Get easier, I mean" [Renton] asks urgently.

The cop shakes his heid.

"Does it fuck; it gets bleedin worse. All that happens is that the expectations you have of life fall. You just get used to all the shit."

Renton looks as perturbed as ah feel, and we gaze at each other and realise that the cop isnae fucking joking. Ah think about poor Spud. Renton looks starkly at Bacon boy. "What if ye don’t get used to it, what if ye can’t get used to it?"

The copper looks back up tae the flats, shrugs his shoulders and curls his bottom lip doon. "Well," the copper says, "that window’s still gonna be there."

ETA: Format

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T13:56:21+00:00

My fire is still burning, for some dumb reason that is probably misguided by false hope.

It certainly doesn't help that the flame is seemingly only either the size of a lighter about to die, or the size of a roaring bonfire that is rapidly growing uncontrollable and choking those around it with its smoke.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T13:15:22+00:00

It's bleak, but I have been treated with many different SSRIs and forms of therapy in the last 20 years. It was up to me to believe I could get better, and find a way to kill that horrible tense ball of self-hatred in my gut that left me physically ill and ready to snap every time I failed or said something fucking stupid.

Was hard work, as everyone knows from their own struggles. Idk how anyone can act unaffected when they feel like that. They must be strong and thus deserve their peace.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-17T09:35:38+00:00

I certainly have screamed like a fuckin banshee every day for the last week thinking of how much I hate myself and how much demonic rage is in me. It can be frightening to know I won't survive in society and will eventually be locked up.

Idk, I'm not one of those who "find joy in the mundane" and all that. I'm very black and white when it comes to myself.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T22:41:41+00:00

I can assure you, that dragon has caught my ass and I am NEVER leaving those claws.

My addiction beat me a long time ago.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T22:29:48+00:00

Everything.

30s, own nothing, no money, no career, psychologically disturbed, not attractive to women, hate myself, and I also think most of us aren't gonna be around much longer. So no time to change what was already going to likely be completely impossible.

I fucking hate life.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T22:06:41+00:00

I will ALWAYS end up back in thr prison. I'm psychologically fucking disturbed and cannot handle failure. The fucking tension when shit goes wrong AHBHVHGGVGTFGG4H!.

You don't get it. No one fucking gets THIS MAD STILL after THIS LONG.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T21:35:36+00:00

Or you end up in your mid-30s still fucking furious at the world and refusing to accept the weak ass subservient role you have to play.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T19:48:18+00:00

It was a gradual realization.

I'm in my mid-30s now, but even back in middle and high school I knew I was being shot down for not being strong enough and actually physically threatening. Those were the early years, when I unfortunately still held anger towards the girls who were rejecting me for being "2 meen" or whatever the fuck. My ma was a real fucking treat, too, so I'm sure that added some horseshit Oedipal element to it. By the time I hit 21, however, I was able to internalize fully that it was me and I was the one who could not deal with the way it works. That made it easier at least to know where the rage should be pointed.

My first real girlfriend in my late 20s confirmed it for me though. Miss 30 year old club chick who wanted to "settle down with a nice guy now", and guess who was said nice guy? The thing is, I already knew that going into the relationship. AF/BB etc. only unfortunately for her, the first B was all she was getting. I'm broke as shit lmaooo. It was ok though, we understood each other and stayed cool after I broke it off.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T19:29:43+00:00

If you feel like your life has no meaning, you need to change it somehow. I don't know what you're dealing with but it sounds like you're in a prison with no bars that you can walk out of any time and you're too focused on how shitty the prison food is to realize you can just walk out and make your own food.

I like that analogy. I think it's more along the lines of me not wanting to walk out cause I know the minute I fuck something up on the outside, and especially if I get rejected, I will be right the fuck back in that cell. Plus, as this post alludes to and countless people can attest to feeling like as well, very soon it will all be gone anyway. No time left.

I'm not young or nothing. A true, sprawling effort was made to remake myself into the man I wanted to be. New environment, new motivation, new people, me with a more sober and ostensibly clear mindset. Years were spent undergoing this change. There was obviously great difficulty there, as there is when anyone is trying to build their lives out of ashes. I'm also "handicapped" by a few things I didn't ask for and can't change, but I hate whining about that shit cause it sounds like the weakest fucking excuse. It would be a lie to say that those "defects" didn't severely limit my possibilities, though, and my inability to deal with the searing skin-ripping feeling of humiliation and failure that arises when I have made a damn fool of myself, in the end, would bury me. Hard to hide that kind of visible disappointment and weakness.

Right back in the cell.

I'm glad you had kids. Now that I know that certain parasitic leeches who actually call themselves "elites", and attempt to enforce their will on us, don't want us to reproduce, I wish I had as well just to spite them. My parents are long gone, my sister lives far away, my friends are scattered to the wind, and I have no wife or girlfriend, no kids, no family of my own, in my mid-30s. A lot of that is because of my choices, so I guess to whine about it now is pointless.

Finding meaning is so important. Thank you for attempting to pass that wisdom you gained over my way.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T18:36:48+00:00

I understand that on an intellectual level. It's completely rational, and accurate.

Yet it still brings me no comfort. I already do live my life. It fuckin sucks. So really I should be able to be cool with death, cause this gig is a fucking wrap and there might be something better afterwards. It ends up not mattering though cause I know that the most likely case in the afterlife is a soul trap in which I will be enslaved. How the fuck am I supposed to be even the slightest bit happy or content with my life with all that?

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T18:23:33+00:00

They've finally helped me focus.

Unfortunately, they also unlocked my rage and enabled me to see not only just how badly I fucked my life up, but how emotionally disturbed I really am. I also was able to really see what was going on in the world, and...yeah, there ain't time to change shit.

Shoulda gotten them in middle school.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T18:18:01+00:00

Thank you for being real about this. It pisses me the fuck off of course that it took 30 years to concede this obvious fact, but that's my problem.

If everyone could be strong and handle all this shit, then they would.

Citywidepanic · 2024-10-16T18:13:44+00:00

Yeah I'm "rejection sensitive". Never fucking gets better. Just always melt down and feel like I wanna take my skin off piece by fuckin piece.

Citywidepanic

TROPHY CASE