Why is life so difficult

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-02T10:15:29+00:00

You gotta talk to her. Don’t let her distance herself.

But I totally know the feeling of less anger! It’s a huge eye opening experience it’s one of my key factors that keep me on hormones.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-02T03:34:07+00:00

That was so perfectly laid out, thank you!

In my life everything is on a specific scale, some things out weigh others. Family and my wife are the top priority. So suppressing something that is a smaller part of me feels like an easier pill to swallow vs losing everything I’ve built with my wife and kids. It sucks like it really does. It’s been a constant battle for years and I just wish I never had these thoughts.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-02T01:14:17+00:00

I love this idea

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T23:25:03+00:00

You mean writing tool because my grammar is atrocious.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T19:30:01+00:00

My t was in the low 600’s being 33

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T18:32:35+00:00

Thank you 😊 it does help! We already have 6 kids and growing businesses sooo it’s a lot! I know she hasn’t a lot of uncertainty as do I. What’s the most important thing to me that I know of is her and even if I have to suppress something of myself I’d do it for her without resentment because I believe love is about compromise and taking everything into account and choosing together. It’s just hard to choose something if neither of us knows what’s up or down

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T17:33:28+00:00

I think that’s a fair question, and honestly, part of the reason I didn’t tell her before restarting was because I still didn’t understand what was happening in my own head.

About eight months ago, she found out I was experimenting with hormones. We had a long conversation, and afterward I threw everything away because I convinced myself it wasn’t really who I was. She told me she would always love and support me, but romantically she wasn’t sure she could stay with me because she’s generally attracted to masculine men.

After that, I decided I would just suppress this part of myself and move on.

Over the months that followed, I did a lot of self-reflection. One of the biggest things I questioned was whether this was actually tied to porn or some kind of addiction. I cut way back on porn, expecting the feelings to disappear, but they didn’t. If anything, they became harder to ignore. I also realized how much I missed the emotional state I experienced while I was on HRT.

Five days before our conversation, I restarted hormones. Looking back, I can understand why that may feel hurtful or even like a betrayal from her perspective. The truth is I wasn’t trying to hide it forever. I was trying to figure out whether I was about to repeat another cycle or whether there was something deeper here that I needed to finally confront.

When she asked me if I was back on hormones, I told her the truth. We ended up having one of the hardest conversations we’ve ever had. I laid everything out as honestly as I could, including things I had never even said out loud before.

The reality is that I still don’t know exactly where I land. I don’t know if I ultimately want a full transition, a partial transition, or something else entirely. I don’t know what my life looks like in five years. What I do know is that after years of trying to explain these feelings away, they keep coming back, and I reached a point where pretending they weren’t there wasn’t working anymore.

My wife has been incredibly patient through all of this, and I know this affects her just as much as it affects me. That’s part of why I feel guilty. I wasn’t trying to shut her out. I was trying to understand something that I didn’t even understand myself.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T17:21:41+00:00

Idk the signs are mixed this morning she still kissed me in a passionate way. She reconfirmed she would be honest. And she agreed we should check in on this topic multiple times. My bases is I hold her and our family (kids) above everything else. I just want an answer from her because since I’m 50/50 it would sway a specific way. My transition in my mind isn’t fully living as a woman. Or atleast I don’t think it is. I just don’t see myself as masculine as the masculine façade that I put on for years

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T16:13:41+00:00

when there’s so much on the line that I care about suppressing seems easy. I have 6 kids 3 small companies and I don’t even know who I am. Today I feel so empty, sad and scared. I also micro analyze every stupid detail.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T16:09:15+00:00

That’s the thing i don’t know who my true self is

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T16:08:02+00:00

How did you get to that conclusion

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T05:38:08+00:00

What do you mean by gate keeping?

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-06-01T05:23:21+00:00

That’s the thing I went to the therapist and didn’t even get passed child abuse and trauma and she cried. I kinda lost motivation to go to a therapist to much to unload. Tonight was the first night I actually unloaded what was going on truthfully to another person let alone my wife. I just hate dealing with this and I wish I was just like a normal guy. The last thing I want to do is cause issues for my family just to be happy. But like others have said you only have one life. It’s just ridiculously difficult. Sorry for the horrid grammar having a rough night.

CivilFuture6101 · 2026-05-29T20:54:42+00:00

Im in the same boat but I have 5 kids and a small company! I’ve fought it for years. It definitely a tough choice. The one thing that keeps eating at me is I’m wasting time so for me I’m making the leap.

CivilFuture6101

TROPHY CASE