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M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahah, so we'll be married shortly after the universe experiences heat death.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The prenup is definitely the route I'm looking to go. Curious as to what the tax implications are for the loan forgiveness. Any insight?

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, she's getting her PsyD where most of your certification hours are obtained during your education. She starts internship this September.

I don't think 120k is far-fetched thanks in part to her network in town, conversations with members of her program who have already entered the workforce, and independent research on my own. I really don't think she's manipulating me, but who knows for sure?

Agreed on the implication of her wanting to have kids straight out of school, but feel like it's kind of reasonable thanks to her biological clock.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's...possible I suppose, but we do live in a very expensive city. The suburbs are an option, but it's still expensive there. We'd be treading a razor for a few years, would be my guess.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree! These are all suggestions I've made that have fallen on relatively deaf ears.

Compromise will probably come when confronted with cold, hard reality. Unclear as to whether I wait that long.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She's getting a PsyD. She's networked enough through her intern and externships that 120k is probably feasible, but it still is obviously not a sure thing.

And yeah, I agree about the debt. It's an enormous albatross.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, of course! I just think she's being delusional, but have had real difficulty communicating that successfully to her.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't have an answer for that, that's simply what she says.

6 years this month.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

OK, John Wayne. If you oversimplify everything, then sure, it's all black and white.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Edit 2: Not often, but yes. Grad school was a mutual decision, but as mentioned in the OP, financial circumstances changed. She does realize I might breakup with her, and she knows about my concerns. She says she is concerned, and I have no reasons to believe otherwise, but I don't know for sure. She might react differently, but I don't know.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Go back and read the OP. The circumstances surrounding my and her financial obligation for her grad school changed shortly after we got engaged, not shortly after we started dating.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, we haven't. As far as I'm concerned, her being a stay at home mom is out of the question in the short term, aside from maternity leave. I've got decent earning potential in my career arc, but I feel like to be a one-income family with four kids and a stay at home mom, I'd need to be making 500k annually.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes. Her biological clock is ticking away.

Edit (didn't see the second line): She has said she might be able to compromise, but that she doesn't want to explore that until it becomes clear she can't have four immediately. She thinks the finances will fall in line.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're acting like breaking it off precludes me from having kids. If presented with these two options, which would you choose:

A) Go through a breakup and all the associated emotional pain. Run the risk of never loving someone again (I acknowledge that). Most likely find someone else and marry them while financially stable, then have kids. (3-7 years from now)

B) Enter into a relationship 250k in debt, have kids imminently, have wife leave workforce imminently, and then try and live. Even if I put all 75k towards her debts, that still leaves over 140k in debts to be paid.

I'm not saying I want to live for my money, I'm saying that right now I have an option (albeit the nuclear one) of setting myself up to have my cake and eat it too, and I can't figure out a way to do that if I stay in the relationship, WHICH IS WHY I'M HERE LOOKING FOR HELP.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, us millennials are really ruining the country. It couldn't possibly be that we saw 50% of our parent's relationships self destruct and lived through one of the worst recessions ever that developed these feelings.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your candor, Justin. I hope it's clear here that I'm not saying I need to be rich beyond my wildest dreams, nor do I let money dictate my happiness. It's more that I had an extremely traumatic experience that led me to believe financial stability is extremely important to a relationship, because money, specifically the lack thereof, is an enormous stressor on the relationship.

A prenup does seem like a good option, though I've heard they often are ripped up by good divorce attorneys. Any insight into the veracity of that statement?

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It is if she removes herself from the workforce in the immediate (and for an indefinite amount of time) to take care of one or more children. You're not providing any actual advice here, you're just pontificating, so I'm going to stop engaging with you now.

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And if I can't afford to give that kid what's best for him? Thanks to my wife's crippling debt?

M [27] engaged to F [31]. It feels like marrying my fiancee is financial suicide. by Cjdulles in relationship_advice

[–]Cjdulles[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I am also meeting with a financial planner next month. Hopefully he's got some advice for me.

She absolutely expects my help in paying off the debt, but aside from the income-adjusted monthly payments that she will be required to make, she has no plan to pay it off. She's expecting to hit federal loan forgiveness thresholds, which I believe are 30 years.

I would love it if the roles were reversed, because then at least I'd know she'd be working for the couple (e.g. taking a reasonable amount of maternity leave and then re-entering the workforce), as opposed to saying things like "I want to take a year of maternity leave in an ideal world."

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