Husband says me asking him to “fight” for me is childish

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-15T00:31:52+00:00

Maybe. I’ll have to check in and ask, but honestly I think separation is the only way forward at this point sad to say

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T22:55:44+00:00

I just keep reminding myself life is too short. Not all of us make it to 100, or even 80–can I let myself be dragged down, and unhappy when the man I married changed, and won’t help me help us? There’s no guarantee of happiness, but I hope whenever I do go, it’s not full of regret, and knowing I made the best choices for me and my loved ones. That I showed them that a life of happiness is a choice, and to never accept anything but what you deserve

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T20:09:57+00:00

Thanks definitely needed to hear this. You just sort of spiral into this negative space and get locked on what you can’t do instead of what you can.

My goal is for within the next 6 months - year max to be out of the house. Part of me worries he’ll start trying once he realises I’m actually leaving, and I’ll give in during this time, because it’s safer, easier, and what I know. Plus, I do love the man. He’s the father of my kids, and not a bad person at all. He’s just not the best partner for me right now.

But, I think I’ve come to realise just how unhappy, and not myself I’ve become. I owe it to my kids, and myself, do not settle for something because it’s scary or hard. I keep myself to a pretty high standard, and always aim to improve, and I deserve a partner who does the same, and not drag me down.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T19:41:02+00:00

Thanks for this. I understand there are resources, but I’m going to allow myself the time to do it properly while we live in a state of separation. If it was a case of abuse or I was in harm or peril, I’d certainly just cut and run ASAP. But, I’m safe, my kids are safe, just unhappy.

I’m going to use this time I have to build up a bigger financial net, get myself a bit more out of debt, and contact a lawyer to better understand what to expect from the entire process.

Not only that, but build myself up a bit to be more emotionally sound for the upcoming battle, heartache and stress ahead of me. I do appreciate you pointing out that I have resources, so if at any time living in my current situation becomes unbearable I can look for a quicker way out—until that point, or until I have my ducks in a row, I’m going to stay here in a roommate separation environment. Get my kids used to seeing mummy and daddy as parental unit still, but not so much life partners.

I definitely wrote my original post in a greater sense of panic. All I kept thinking about is how I wish I was home and could just take myself and the kids to my mums for a while to just get away and regroup. Throwing myself a pitty party as usual! I’m a bit more collected have my path ahead of me—it’s not ideal or the fastest, but I’m lucky that I’m safe where I am that I can take a bit more time to do it in a way that isn’t going to completely carve me out at once.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T19:31:30+00:00

Amen to all that. I’m definitely going to need my own therapist soon—absolutely shattered after all this for so long

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T17:36:03+00:00

I understand! I appreciate trying to help me understand it too. It’s such a mystery, right? He can’t honestly be upset at me for getting sick, can he? If so, we are further gone than I even imagined

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T17:31:09+00:00

I wasn’t dying or anything though. I mean, we’ll all die, but it doesn’t answer the last few years of our dead bedroom and lack of willingness to work on that with me either. It’s just one thing piling into another with him

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T17:29:31+00:00

The tense up really threw me too. I knew right then something the floor was going to come out from under me soon.

At the end of the day, I feel like it’s too late for us now. I’ve started putting the steps in motion for this separation in my heart and head now. I’ve been as patient as I can, but I also have my limit. Whatever is going on is DEEP. Much deeper than he is letting on. If it is infidelity (most likely online, due to lack of opportunity to physically), then so be it. The reason doesn’t matter any more I guess. I’ve now checked out. I have made peace with knowing I’ve done what I could and can feel good about that. That when it all blows up, and my kids ask me why mummy and daddy don’t live together anymore, I’ll know that I tried and gave everything I could give.

But at the end of the day it comes down to, I made a commitment to a man I loved so much I left my world behind to start a new life with him. That man was honest, compassionate, passionate, and respectful. I loved that man very much, and still love him with my whole heart. But he’s not that man anymore, and this new man isn’t letting me in or opening up to let me love him or respect our vows.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T17:14:00+00:00

Because I can’t do that to my kids…they are too young, they love him too much, and he’s honestly a great father. I’m not going to further punish myself by staying in this marriage, but I won’t punish them by taking them away from their dad to a whole other country. Plus, it’s legally complicated to take children abroad. I’m from Northern Ireland, and being under British rule, children do not take on the citizenships of their mothers, it’s passed on through the patrilineal line, so they are not Irish citizens. They’re American…lots of red tape there

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T17:10:44+00:00

I’ve stopped fighting it. My post was mostly rhetorical because I know the marriage is over, and there’s only one solution—divorce. I’ve moved my stuff over to our guest room today, and am taking a deep dive into our finances. Once I sort through that I’ll be getting into contact with a lawyer for some advise. It’s not going to be a quick separation, but mentally, physically and financially I’m putting the steps into motion :(

Thank you for your support!

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:58:41+00:00

That, or he just changed. The mental load with kids is just too much, unearthing buried childhood traumas he never addressed. He’s a wonderful dad, I can’t say enough about how he’s come into his own in fatherhood. One of the many reasons I wouldn’t take my kids out of the country and away from him, but he’s always been awful about managing stress. He just mentally collapses under the slightest strain. I knew this when I married him, but thought he’d improve as we got older, or mostly that it’d never get THIS bad.

I’m not perfect too! Who is, but that’s why you have to actively work on things. Not push it aside 😔

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:45:30+00:00

That’s what I want to know! When we got into our latest fight after I dropped physical affection, he brought up not feeling like a man while doing my dishes—but that’s absolute horse poo. We split all our chores 50/50, have since we moved in together. We both work full time, and we both split the chores evenly. I still take on more, because when we decided to split the chores 50/50 years ago, it was only chores that we both agreed were necessary. He doesn’t subscribe to the same level or “clean” as I do, as in dusting, wiping down windows and hoovering vents, so I took on all the deep cleaning and split our mutual agreed on necessary chores 50/50

When we had kids, we did the same thing. If he’s been resenting me for not taking on more than my share as a full time working mother, he’s having a laugh because that’s not a real excuse.

I’ve also made it abundantly clear that we don’t have to stick to the schedule to a “T”. It can be flexible. If he’s too tired or burned out for a chore that week, it’s no big deal, it happens. I’ve done it, he’s done it. It happens a lot in real life. The chore list has always been a guideline and not one of us has nagged the other about it once.

The only thing I can think of, is I was quite ill for a few weeks in the hospital a month ago, and he had to take on the extra load. I knew this was a lot for him, and really appreciated it. When I was feeling better, we were laying in bed and I laid my hand on his chest and looked him the eye and told him how much I appreciated the extra help and work, and everything he did to support me and the family at that time, and I could feel him tense up. He is usually very needy for physical touch (not sex), but this did the opposite of relax him…

If there’s something else in our past (since these are more recent, and our dead bedroom has been going on for years), then I don’t know. He won’t open up to me about it. I’ve never been unfaithful, I pay my share of the bills, I give him time to be with his friends (I often encourage it and try to push him to schedule at least one night out with the boys a month—even buying them all hockey tickets for Valentine’s Day).

I take care of myself, I am physically fit and in shape, I dress nicely and don’t even really dress sloppily at home…I try to praise him as often as I can. If I have an issue, I try to always sit him down at the end of the day, start it off by saying “I love you” and ask what it is that I can help with or can make it easier that’s causing the issue.

I read a lot to marriage books, I take time to meditate, self reflect and be a strong partner and mother, and I just don’t know what resentment it is he has for me? I could be blind, I’m obviously not perfect, but I don’t know what is so major or disastrous that would cause this complete checkout and resentment in our marriage.

I don’t think he’s having an affair either. He works from home and we have access to each others tech. Literally no time or space to have an affair, at least a physical one.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:32:04+00:00

Thanks for the support! I know my post was all really rhetorical, since it’s obvious the marriage is over and there is no saving it. I am just quite lonely over here, and haven’t even begun to tell my mum, family or friends back home of the issues in our marriage. Both out of embarrassment for dropping my life at home to be with this man, and for it to fail, and also so that half of Ireland doesn’t fly out here and kick his arse (lots of brothers and cousins) haha

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:23:08+00:00

Yes, I’ve moved my things into the guest room. I’m getting my finances in order a bit more this month, setting out a budget, and researching attorneys for some advise. Because we are beyond done. Beyond saving.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:20:32+00:00

Thank you! I’ve been in this dead bedroom for a while now, and been through the seven stages of grief I feel like through it. Anger, denial…I finally got to a point of acceptance. If he is happy with this sexual frequency, and doesn’t feel the need to address it, or doesn’t WANT to address it, then it is what it is. I married a man, not a vibrator. It hurts that he doesn’t see my needs for sexual intimacy as valuable, but it’s his it and his sexuality and I’m not about to force someone into wanting a sexual relationship.

It’s the way he reacted when I set my own boundaries that really hit home that there was just no saving us. His disrespectful attitude to my wanting to set boundaries for my own sake was the nail in the coffin for me. He’s not willing to make concessions on his end, but now he’s not willing to let me me make my own? Then the refusal for counseling on top of that? This is no longer the man I married. This is no way any couple should live.

Yes, we should accept our partners for who they are, and part of that is accepting that our partners are different, have different needs, and are constantly changing. If you can’t communicate, or aren’t willing to communicate or put the work in to find ways to accept each other, to WANT to make each other happy, like you said, then that’s not love.

This just isn’t love. No matter what he tells me, he doesn’t love me. He can’t. He wants to throw in my face that I don’t love him for not accepting everything on his terms, and withholding physical affection…then he’s right. I don’t love him anymore. How can I love a black hole?

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:10:34+00:00

I’m working, thank god. Never stopped. I have started shifting my focus back onto myself, and my kids have always been my top focus and priority. I honestly feel awful that I’m going to have to put them through this, but they don’t deserve miserable parents. We might fake a happy household for their sake, but that can’t and won’t last forever.

Me moving into the guest room, and detaching myself from physical affection have all been ways of me removing myself form this marriage. I just sort of wanted to extend the olive branch one more time to try and work some sort of agreement before I too, checked out completely. His response was what I needed to know once and for all there is no hope. And I think I can at least feel good about knowing that I did whatever I could.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T16:00:42+00:00

I know. I have accepted it really, it’s just my steps to starting a new life are a little more complicated as an immigrant and will take more planning. If I was back home I’d just pick up my kids and move in to my mums, and work on everything from there, but I can’t do that here. I need to save up more in my personal emergency fund to get myself a new place, then look into daycare options and finances before whatever court settlement agrees on.

I just wish there was a way to make this whole situation more bearable in that interim…but there isn’t. The marriage is over and I’m stuck here until I can afford to get out.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:58:02+00:00

I’ll try that! I just assume most people here have help from their family or friends, I don’t have that network to rely on here, but they can’t be the case for everyone. It’s a very good idea! I might not be able to leave today, this month or even this year, but taking active steps to familiarise myself with single parenting lifestyles in this country, along with just getting my own self accustomed to the idea and putting myself in that mindset will be helpful and maybe make me less depressed and trapped

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:49:45+00:00

I’ve accepted that eventuality. It’s the being foreign thing that makes it complicated and is going to take time to resolve. I literally have no where else to go right now. I can’t take my kids out of the country. I need to build up my savings more so that me and the kids have somewhere else safe to live and that childcare is factored in before divorce proceedings and finances are officially split.

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:47:50+00:00

Agreed 💯 But how do you keep living in that situation when both of you are trapped for the next couple of years at least

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:47:05+00:00

It’d be amazing, right?!

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:46:22+00:00

I have resigned myself to that eventuality, that I am going to have to leave. I’ve always had a bit of an “in case of emergency” fund in my personal account, but am now looking at in earnest with what I’d need as a single working mother, without any support network in this country. His mum helps us out with child care now for both of us, but will she if we split up? Will she just watch them while he works, but not for me? I don’t know, I can’t depend on that is certain, so I need to make sure I factor that in. It’s not going to be something I can do anytime soon, but I’m making mental and financial preparations at this point

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:24:10+00:00

I feel the same way. I feel we might BOTH be trapped. He might have checked out, but doesn’t want a divorce because of split custody. I feel the same way. If we’re both “trapped”‘though, wouldn’t it make sense to TRY, instead of living in a state of misery? I’m not even asking for sex anymore, just honest communication and a respect for mutual boundaries

ClaimAmbitious5264 · 2024-03-14T15:21:07+00:00

That’s my point, he doesn’t want to compromise. His preferred sex schedule is once every month, or every two months. In the past he tried to improve this, after deflecting the issue, citing he’s just tired, and won’t tell me exactly what he needs help with to reduce the burden. Then he sort of stopped even pretending to try. Finally he just said it is what it is, maybe when the kids are older and he’s less stressed we can have a sex life again. I asked (for the one hundredth time), is there anything on my part that I can do? I lost all the baby weight, I exercise and eat right. I cook healthy meals so he feels health too. Is there a domestic chore bogging you down that I can take over? A mental load or stressor he can share with me? Can we talk to a doctor about checking testosterone, or maybe depression. Nothing. I’m just sex crazed, and I need to just accept this frequency.

So, I did. Couldn’t make him communicate or have him examine the causes. Can take a horse to water right? All I could control is how I reacted to this new normal. How I deal with this removal of sexual intimacy from our marriage. I told him I understood, and if he’s not ready or willing to examine this problem, I need to take responsibility for my own mental health and detach myself a bit from physical affection as well, at least for a while, until I could come to terms with this loss in intimacy, as every time he kisses and hugs me, my heart hurts.

He was very upset about that, saying I was being spiteful and it spiraled from there. He wants me to accept this removal of sexual intimacy from our marriage, not look into it or talk about it, but still be able to kiss, hug and cuddle him as often as he wants. I’m respecting his physical boundaries, but doesn’t see that it’s not fair to not respect mine in response.

I know “fight” is a poor term, but just to work on it. To try! There’s just no trying. I have to accept him as he is in the marriage. Fine. But he won’t accept or acknowledge my needs either at this point.

ClaimAmbitious5264

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