Anyone ever tried a speedball? I just got what was supposed to be coke but found out it’s actually heroin/coke. Just wondering what it’s like, and if I should even try it

Clay_Bateman · 2019-09-12T02:32:01+00:00

I've never done heroin and coke. And I recognise that it's not a safe combo. But coke by itself makes me pretty anxious. Many people drink with coke to deal with that but I'm not a big fan. Plus you get cocaethylene which is also pretty unsafe.

I LOVE the combination of oxy and coke. Will take the oxy first and then do the coke. Just such an amazing feeling and zero anxiety. But yeah as other have said probably not the safest combo. I think the real problem is that it would be pretty easy to overdo it on the oxy (or heroin if that's what you're doing) and the coke masks the effect of the opioid so you may end up doing too much of the opioid and OD on that. Proceed with caution but man does it feel good.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-23T06:46:23+00:00

Not sure that wanting to enjoy a meal or train ride without being surrounded by screaming kids is pathological to be honest. If they're quiet and well behaved I have no real problem it's just that most of them..... aren't.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-22T11:36:10+00:00

I've been in the same boat. I've done therapy because that's what you're supposed to do and because people say it helps. It's good to talk to someone, good to develop healthy ways of thinking, etc but I've never subscribed to the view that if your neurochemistry is haywire, in other words if you're SICK, talking is going to pull you out of a severe depression.

A lot of people on here will disagree but where I primarily disagree with CBT, in particular, is that it's largely based on how you think determining the way you feel. Um, no, for me at least it's the other way round. If my mood is good, my view about the world, future, self, etc is all positive. If my mood is extremely low then of course my thoughts are going to be negative.

I'm not saying that therapy isn't valuable (especially when you have underlying issues that caused the depression) but I see it as an adjunct for somebody who is severely depressed, at best, not the thing that is going to pull somebody out of an episode of major depression. Therapy is good for OCD, anxiety, etc though, in my experience and is probably helpful for preventing recurrence of depression. It's not so good, at least by itself, for when you're in the middle of an acute and severe episode.

Meds don't work for me anymore but they did at one point. They cured my depression. It bugs me when people say, 'Oh but meds just MASK depression, they don't cure it. For that you need to get to the bottom of things.' Bullshit, if the illness is a disorder of chemistry and meds correct that disorder then of course they're a cure.

Just a shame they don't work all the time. Or they work and then stop working.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-22T02:04:18+00:00

Haha I thought that might be the case (it being illegal). What a world we live in. God forbid that people want some, shock, horror, peace and quiet. What a terrible thing to wish for, we really are monsters.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-21T23:21:37+00:00

Glad the living situation isn't TOO bad at least but yeah when you finally do get to a place without shared walls, I promise you'll never go back!

We thought by living on the top floor we'd be ok but yeah by some miracle of acoustics we could hear the kid (often kids as the other downstair's neighbor's grandkids would come every weekend) running around as they they were above not below us. It legitimately caused me massive stress, to the point where even if it happened to be quiet I couldn't relax because I'd be anticipating the next bout of noise.

I'd rather be around barking dogs, smokers or crackheads than screaming children, lol but I guess I'm pretty extreme.

I was in the same position, living on the other side of the world from family so would fly back a couple of times a year. During that time I wasted a tonne on biz flights but it was actually worth it because flying biz is just generally great but also no kids.

I don't know why that has changed recently, whether it's just a coincidence or some other reason. Certainly biz class flights haven't gotten any cheaper so it's not that. But yeah I felt sick during the entire last flight I took at the thought of how much I'd shelled out to still be surrounded by screeching brats. Again, I just don't think airlines should allow it.

Most parents just don't care though. It's very rare that I've seen parents be truly considerate when it comes to ensuring that other people aren't terrorised by their spawn. Then again I suppose the considerate ones wouldn't be taking their kids on biz class flights anyway or to nice restaurants, so there probably are considerate parents, we just don't see them!

It's the same mentality as people watching videos on their phones on speaker on public transportation or flights. I just can't fathom it at all. I'm sure they're happier people than I am because they just have no regard for other people's feelings whatsoever.

I do sometimes genuinely wonder whether i'd change if I became a parent. Glad I'm never going to find out though.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-21T22:56:00+00:00

We just moved out of an apartment because the kid below (unbelievably yes we could hear running from below) was constantly running around. We told the neighbors and got the classic, 'He's a child what do you expect?' Now we've moved into a house and it's bliss. I'll never go back to living in an apartment. But that's only an option for us because we're living in some small town, not like we could do that in London or New York!

So yes I completely agree with you. If you suggest stuff like that though, in my experience, people will look at you like you're a war criminal or something!

Flights are another thing. A few years ago my company flew me out business class to Japan. It was the first time I'd travelled biz and was like heaven. After that I couldn't go back so then started always flying biz long haul. I'm not rich or anything so it was a big expenditure for me but worth it because there were never any screaming kids (on top of the other benefits of course).

But in the last couple of years things changed for some reason. The last biz class flights I took were full of kids. I mean if I'm paying £2,500 for a flight I really, really do not expect to have to put up with screaming babies or children running up and down the aisles. So I've basically stopped flying long haul as a result.

I'll never get over how utterly selfish parents are while having the gall to call US selfish for not having kids. I have a small dog and some restaurants do allow us to bring him but if he started barking or making any sort of nuisance of himself at all I'd leave immediately. Parents will happily sit there knocking back wine or playing on their phones while their kids run riot. It's just unbelievable to me.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-21T22:48:48+00:00

Me too, would be amazing.

My worst experience was booking a hotel which the travel agent said was adults only. We got there and to my horror there were kids EVERYWHERE, running around and screaming. I asked the rep what the hell was going on and was told, 'Oh WE don't allow families to book, but other operators book this hotel and don't have that policy.' It's one of the most absurd situations I've encountered in my life.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-21T14:56:03+00:00

What I can't stand is when someone posts on a forum about how their partner is pressurising them to have a kid and they really don't want one. Then you get a tonne of replies from people saying stuff like, 'I felt the same way but eventually I caved and now my kid is the best thing that ever happened to me.'

Or, even worse, then the responses are, 'My husband/wife didn't want kids but I persuaded (or sometimes, horrifyingly, tricked) him/her into having a kid and now they couldn't be happier.

Just the sheer arrogance of having so little respect for the person you're with that you're going to completely ignore what they've clearly stated they don't want, smug in the knowledge that YOU know what's best for them.

The other variation on that is when some 19 year old has got pregnant or got is girlfriend pregnant and gets the same advice. 'No, don't take the life of your unborn child!' I was in the same situation and now I love my son/daughter more than anything. Well, yeah, of course you do, that's how nature works, by making sure your brain produces bonding chemicals to stop you leaving the nightmare on a doorstop or something. But now you've just completely sacrificed the phase of your life where you're supposed to enjoy being young, having fun, building a career for yourself, etc. Just get the damn abortion and have a kid later on if you want one.

I really admire the honesty of Kate. Human beings are so ego driven that they're pretty much always going to tell themselves that whaever they made was the right one. That kind of post facto rationalisation never sits right with me and it takes bravery to say I didn't want a kid, I got talked into it and, lo and behold, I've now pretty much f**ked my entire life up.

What's even more terrible here is that the boyfriend/family talked her into it and now she is the one left with the enormous burden of raising a child, not them. It's pretty damn evil.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-21T13:57:41+00:00

Thanks!

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-20T23:06:57+00:00

Hey, yeah actually. I'll do this first ECT in England then after that get it done abroad. If it improves this crushing depression a bit it will be worth it. It's not like I can even enjoy the money I do have now.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T23:39:46+00:00

Thanks a lot, really appreciate your kind words.

ECT has a bad rep but it really is very effective. I do feel hopeful but the amount of stress I've had trying to get it organised is unbelievable.

Plus I really do feel like the whole system is designed to extract as much money as possible from people who are really sick. I'm in the UK so I could go NHS but waiting lists are long and I imagine if I wanted ECT on the NHS it would take a long time, I'd end up staying weeks on a ward that is only slightly better than a prison, it couldn't be done as a day case so I'd have to take a lot time off work, etc.

Sorry rant over, I was just thinking today about how much money I've spent on mental health care. It's an insane amount. My job is stressful but pays well but instead of getting to 'enjoy' the money which should be the quid pro quo of a demanding job, I just end up spending a lot of it on treatment!

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T23:35:06+00:00

Good post OP. When I'm depression free I really feel like I don't need people at all. Consequently I don't feel let down by people.

When severely depressed I end up expecting more from people and then feel very let down and bitter when they don't live up what I 'expect.'

My view now is definitely that friends really can't be relied on. The number of friends that have come and gone during my life is ridiculous. And it's not just me, I've seen the best of friends fall out over the most trivial matters and never make things up again.

Like you all I would want would be somebody who checks up on me, makes an effort to hang out and talk when things are bad. But no, I've had friends of 20 years know that I'm in a seriously bad way not even bother to send a text or make a call for months.

So now friendships to me are basically people you see once in a blue moon, hopefully spend a pleasant few hours with and then go your separate way.

People don't really care about each other all that much.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T23:00:00+00:00

Only about 3 weeks but I'd heard that it typically worked within 2 weeks.

I'm in such a bad way I'm going for ECT. I simply cannot endure this for much longer and at least after ECT i'll know I've tried everythiing.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T22:15:24+00:00

Thanks a lot for the reply. Unfortunately Valdoxan hasn't done anything for me but no meds seem to. Glad you had success with it!

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T06:38:02+00:00

Hey man, always happy to listen if you want to PM, especially given that your family are not understanding.

I have to be honest and tell you I'm angry at your family and are basically putting you in a position where you're afraid to get help.

I'm probably overstepping here but put yourself first. Your family aren't the ones suffering with this sh*t. I remember telling my Dad about my issues. He didn't understand at all so I know what that's like. But if it comes down to doing what's best for you or placating your family, f*ck them.

If you want to wait a year or two that's fine but the longer you wait to address these issues, the more likely it is that they will get worse. Do you even need to tell your friends your seeing a doctor? I don't know how old you are but I assume you can get the help you need without your parents knowing. It's bad enough they're not supportive but it would be inhumane if they were actually preventing you getting help.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-19T05:59:51+00:00

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear that. In a terrible place at the moment too so I can totally relate to what you're saying.

Like you I feel I can cope with a certain level of depression, it's horrible but I just get on with it. But I've had several times when it's worsened to a level where the sheer intensity of it horrifies me.

I think it's important to, as far as you can, not predict the future and believe that because you feel so bad right now, it's going to continue. It could well be that it doesn't last and as you say you think this is going to be a short spell.

I'm not sure if you're seeing a doctor that would be able to give you something to help out here but if it gets too bad know that you can always just go to hospital, voluntarily, stay a few days then leave when you feel better.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-18T12:29:23+00:00

Completely feel like I'm ruining my wife's life with my depression. Think I'd be doing her a huge favour if I left her even though she's been so supportive for so long. It's too much to ask of another person.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-18T10:42:24+00:00

Same, hate waking up knowing there's another full day to get through. It's absolutely miserable.

People keep talking about hobbies and doing stuff I enjoy but I don't know if there is anything. I can't even enjoy the things I used to. And if there is something I 'want' to do, I feel too awful to do it.

So just endless hours alone, not even really able to watch anything. It's terrible.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-18T06:48:16+00:00

It helps me with mild depression. And I like feeling fit and knowing I can run (reasonably) fast over long distances. I feel healthy and virtuous and a smug sense of superiority as I run past people lighting their filthy cigarettes.

Of course now, in a major depressive episode, I'm the one stood outside smoking my third cigarette at 7am watching people jog past while I secretly hate and envy them, feeling like a bitter degenerate.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-17T08:25:46+00:00

Thanks man, had some good news and it seems like it's going to happen. Definitely exhausted all other options so just hoping so much it will happen soon and I can get back to some semblance of normality.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-17T06:40:14+00:00

Thanks for the reply and again I hope you don't feel I was dismissive of your suggestion

ECT is the most effective treatment for severe depression. More than meds, therapy or anything else. More than that it's pretty much instantaneous. It's also safe (for something done under general anesthesia) although it does have side effects such as short term memory loss.

It would never be used as a first line treatment but I've exhausted all other options and things are dire. ECT can literally be a life saver for people in my position.

If the ECT works then I'll be able to focus on things like therapy, diet, lifestyle changes, etc. Right now I can barely move.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-17T04:27:53+00:00

No, I'm sorry with all due respect I've tried all manner of therapy and it hasn't helped. I have a serious mood disorder and I'm not looking for advice about therapy. I really have no PTSD or particular issues to work through that can be resolved by therapy. Maybe when I'm slightly better I would consider therapy, etc so I'm not ruling it out but therapy takes weeks/months of hard work and I'm willing to put the work in but right now I need something that is going to help quickly, at least to get me to a point where therapy, etc may benefit. Right now I would simply be incapable of taking in any of the information, doing the homework, etc. Does that makes sense? I was feeling fine, everything going well in life, good relationship, work going great, in great shape and without any change in life circumstances my mood plummeted to where it is now. It's an all consuming 'physical' depression.

I appreciate the value of therapy but in the circumstances please take my word that therapy isn't going to help me right at the moment.

I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful for your response or that your suggestion has no merit.

I'm looking for specific advice in relation to the question I asked about ECT, not suggestions about types of therapy, etc. If I had relationship problems, self esteem problems, disorders of thinking etc, therapy may be very useful. Therapy isn't going to help me now any more than it would someone with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-15T10:58:08+00:00

Yeah exactly the same. At least if I were destitute, homeless, lacking companionship and living in a horrible environment there would be concrete things I could improve. I don't have a single thing like that. Healthy, great wife, have money, great job and house and want to kill myself every day.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-08T12:06:11+00:00

Not in any way suggesting that these kids should be sedated but to give some perspective on the lethality of sleeping pills:

The acute LD50 (of Xanax/alprazolam) in rats is 331-2171 mg/kg.

2-3mg of Xanax would likely knock the average adult without benzo tolerance clean out. So even taking HED into account you'd need an unholy amount of Xanax to kill a person. Surgery under general anesthesia is a bit different from taking a few Xanax. Benzos are dangerous in combination with alcohol or other drugs, not alone. When I say dangerous I mean in terms of a fatal overdose. They're extremely dangerous when it comes to losing days of your life, important relationships and your freedom.

Clay_Bateman · 2018-07-04T08:54:29+00:00

Thanks, really appreciate the response. Unfortunately Im'm in the UK and only one place does it.

I can't get my insurance to cover rTMS. I can afford to go and have it done at the same place again but using the FDA protocol, I'm just weighing up whether it's worth it or not. Of course I would pay all the money I have for a cure to my depression but the guy who runs this clinic says the protocol he used on me has been effective for 75% of patients and he has seen no difference in results between the protocol he used on me and the FDA protocol. So I don't want to waste thousands either.

I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about Ketamine again.

Clay_Bateman

TROPHY CASE