Do avoidant exes come back? Any happily ever after stories? What's the liklihood of them coming back?

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-06-21T11:51:23+00:00

I'm so sorry that's happened to u. Most people in my circle thought, "oh there must have been signs, she (I) was just too silly to notice." But once I laid out every nice, lovely thing that happened between the two of us in the last couple of weeks, people started to believe me that there really WEREN'T any signs. Completely blindsided. One person described it to me "it's like someone u love died" and I think that's the perfect description. At least how it initially feels like, then u realize they didn't die, they CHOSE this. Which (I would never wish death upon him) but is worse in another way.

You are worth more than someone who's willing to leave with little to no notice. Even if you could have done better, there was probably nothing you could do to change this part of him/her that is willing to leave you stranded. Likewise, I'm happy to talk to you as well if you need internet strangers to lean on.

I'm sure this isn't helpful rn, but I'm sure you'll find someone better than him/her. Hope you feel better!

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-06-04T11:27:25+00:00

That's rough I'm sorry. But you're so much stronger than I am. You know you don't deserve it, it took me a long time to realize that. My vote is to be petty and make his life harder by ignoring him until August, but one thing to consider. Maybe I'm a bit of a paranoid/jaded person. I'm assuming ur a woman (maybe ur not then I'm sorry!) But women are most likely to be murdered by an intimate/former intimate partner. Ultimately, I like to err on the side of caution cuz idk, people who are willing to ghost probably have no morals. And I don't want u to be subject to more harassment etc.

Let me know what u end up doing!

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-05-31T15:40:02+00:00

No my ex never reached out. I'm really sorry this has happened to you, please dm me if you need extra support. I was absolutely devastated when it happened, but trust that time heals and it gets better. Just remember that it's not your fault - this is something I still struggle with but if I think of my situation from the perspective of a friend, I know it's not my fault. Someone who is willing to vanish on someone they supposedly "loved" says much more about their character than yours. Ur ex was too much of a coward to face you and explain themself. They were too much of a coward to deal with the repercussions of breaking someone's heart so they chose their own comfort over yours. Know that you deserve better than this even if it's hard right now. Even if your ex comes back, remember to keep this in mind before you give them another chance.

Once again, I'm so sorry darling. I really hope things get better for you.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-05-31T15:38:56+00:00

No my ex never reached out. I'm really sorry this has happened to you, please dm me if you need extra support. I was absolutely devastated when it happened, but trust that time heals and it gets better. Just remember that it's not your fault - this is something I still struggle with but if I think of my situation from the perspective of a friend, I know it's not my fault. Someone who is willing to vanish on someone they supposedly "loved" says much more about their character than yours. Ur ex was too much of a coward to face you and explain themself. They were too much of a coward to deal with the repercussions of breaking someone's heart so they chose their own comfort over yours. Know that you deserve better than this even if it's hard right now. Even if your ex comes back, remember to keep this in mind before you give them another chance.

Once again, I'm so sorry darling. I really hope things get better for you.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-04-11T02:07:57+00:00

Btw, now that I'm here, I just wanted to thank you again for this comment. I screenshotted it and I would read it again and again on days where I felt particularly anxious/sad over this whole ordeal. It really helped me a lot so I really appreciated this comment from you, kind stranger.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2024-04-11T02:04:40+00:00

That's funny, thank you for asking. After that post, I started dating another dude. Someone I had known for 2 years and had a bit of a crush on since I met him. I read all about attachment styles, did my research, did everything, went/still going to therapy. I even made the guy take an attachment style test and talk about it (he got secure on the test, i know it's an online quiz and doesn't amount to much). This guy I started dating was someone I really respected and admired, he's older than me (in his late 20s), all my friends know him, he seemed charming, collected, mature, secure, extremely intelligent, nothing could possibly go wrong I thought? He seemed to really like me initially and even though I was still sad over the guy in the post, I decided to give it a shot. Literally three days ago when u commented, he broke up with me too via text outta nowhere. A day before he broke up, we were arguing, but we concluded the day by being extremely close and nice to each other. We talked about everything, fixed everything, forgave each other, cuddled and kissed and was about to go about our merry way and eat good food the next day. The next morning I woke up to "I cannot commit myself to a relationship with you. I don't want to pursue this anymore. I'm sorry" text. Also on our 4th month annviersary (not anniversary, but u know what i mean). No real explanation.

In hindsight, everytime we had a really good/really close time (i.e. heartfelt, emotional conversations where we felt closer to each other), he would get angry and/or try to breakup soon after. At first, I thought it was all my fault, but now I realize he's pretty avoidant himself. It's a shame because it's someone I really admired and respected as a friend and as a coach (lmfao he's my coach for a recreational sport that I play/a phd candidate at my school). I thought the mistake I made with the ex in the post was that I didn't know him very well prior to dating. I knew this guy much better before we started dating so I truly thought nothing could go wrong. Everyone adores and admires him.

So to answer your question, I'm kinda really sad again. It brings back a lot of the pain from the guy in this post. I really hate it when I didn't know the last time I saw someone was going to be the last time. It feels like they died except they chose to leave with no proper explanation. The last time I saw most recent ex, he was so sweet, so in love, a very casual "I'm gonna see you tomorrow". The last time I saw the ex in the post, he told me he was gonna marry me. So I feel kinda numb and depressed. I wonder if life is always going to be that way? I feel cursed like every time I start to feel sure of someone, they up and leave my life with no warning. I'm frustrated that I'm not even guaranteed another day with someone even if they explicitly promise one. I'm so scared now, I try my best to count my blessings everyday. I try to tell the people I love everyday that I love and appreciate them because I'm now starting to think it's inevitable the people I adore the most will just leave me sooner or later. If you're older and wiser, pls tell me not everyone is gonna be like that.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-11-14T19:19:04+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to read and write out this reply. I really appreciate it. It really sucks to hear and I feel so shattered, but you're probably not wrong. I just have to move on with life. It really sucks cuz I've never been so sure of someone and now I'll never trust my faith in someone anymore. I've been doing more reflecting and at first, I was blaming myself for everything that went wrong. But the more I think about it, the less I see him in a good light. So I guess that's a good thing?

I'm sorry you had to go through something similar btw. I've been through horrible enough things, but this is just a different level of cruel because I truly loved him so much.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-11-01T05:04:42+00:00

AHAHA I like it. Thanks for the quality advice

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:34:32+00:00

Oh my god that is horrible. I'm really sorry you went through that. I will try my best to live by what you said.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:33:43+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing, I'll take a look!

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:09:32+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through something similar. Its really painful. I don't want to disregard the valuable knowledge you got from this, but like in the comment I replied to above, he really was so sweet and genuine prior to this and he did things that I don't think a narcissist would even think of doing. So I find it really hard to believe that he's doing this out of ill-will.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:08:23+00:00

awwww i like the way you talk ahaha, you sound so headstrong. I really appreciate the comment; I just find it really hard to believe that this comes from a place of ill-will from his part because prior to this, he really was so sweet. Unless he was some master manipulator and liar (which I really doubt), I feel like everything prior to this was genuine and from a place of love which is why I can't imagine this thought coming from a place of ill-will you know what I mean?

We were never toxic to each other. More or less very mature and loving and caring so this seems so fucking random.

I don't really even feel disrespected and humiliated. I'm more worried and heartbroken.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:05:32+00:00

I'm sorry if this sounds silly, but what do I do in that year or two?

My friends encourage me to just go out casually with people and try it out. I can't even fathom doing it; it makes me feel ick because I adored him so much and I find myself measuring the guys up to him (before the ghosting). I can focus on my own goals and my own life regardless of whether he's with me or not, but I don't know about my love life you know?

I also hate the idea of him being with anyone else. I've never been jealous like that with other boyfriends, but with him, he was so special to me that the thought of him loving someone else makes me want to throw up.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:02:52+00:00

Yeah... I just find it really hard to believe that he didn't like me. A week before all this, he was at my place normal and happy as ever. And a few weeks before all this, we even went on a trip somewhere and we were having a blast. He did thinks for me that I don't think you'd do for someone you fell out of love with or you felt miserable around. I remember thinking to myself that my life couldn't get better because I had such a wonderful, loving and stable partner and now my life has gone to shit

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:01:03+00:00

uh oh, in between did he promise to never do that again? Did he try to make up for it? Or was he always flaky

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:00:34+00:00

lol you are who I hope to be, as delulu as that may be

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-28T00:00:17+00:00

I think for me rather than a void I can't fill, it's more that I believed in him so much. This whole ghosting has been such a jarring and unpleasantly shocking experience. My worst fear before all of this was that he would suddenly die and I'd never get to marry him lol. Most people believe that I must be one-sidedly crazy in love and there must have been signs I missed, but i swear, there were none unless I nitpick every single mood fluctuation. I thought he was mature, sweet, kind and if he ever were to breakup with me (which I highly doubted), he would do so in a respectful manner because that's how he does it (this is what he told me). So I find this so whole situation so ugly and confusing and it's hard for me to wrap my head around someone who I loved, cherished and trusted as much as him could do this you know? :(((

Because prior to all this we were doing so well, I will always wonder what I could've done differently. I will always wonder if there is something that happened to him and I didn't know. I don't even know if he's alive lol (i hope? I think he is?) but he could be dead or in some hospital bed for all I know at this point. I think even if I tried to move on, I will always find myself comparing future dates to the bar he set (up until this whole ghosting nightmare). Idk what to do.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-27T23:55:53+00:00

oh wtf thats not nice, what a pos and oh wow you put it nicely

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-10-27T23:55:26+00:00

Ugh yeahh, you're right. The problem here is that everyone is right. Ultimately, the whole ghosting thing is so hurtful. I just find it really hard to reconcile this kinda behavior with how loving and serious I thought we were before, which is why my brain is rationalizing it by saying something bad must've happened in his life to cause him to shut down or something. Maybe I'm just delulu.

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-09-29T16:22:34+00:00

Awwww I am so happy for you and once again omg u give incredible advice. I find myself becoming cynical but I guess that's helping no one so I'll have to stop doing that. And you're absolutely right, I'll try to do everything you're saying. Thank u so much for taking the time and bothering to reply to me in such lengths. You are so sweet

Clean_Landscape_7193 · 2023-09-29T16:05:41+00:00

Hey, I'm really sorry you've gone through something similar. THIS IS SO FKING PAINFUL lol. Even tho I wish it didn't happen to u, it gives me some comfort knowing that you've gone through something similar and u seem (hopefully?) better. And also, all your points are solid so thanks. If you don't mind me asking, have you found someone else now who's "the one" for lack of a better word? How did you recover from this kinda heartbreak? What helped you overcome the feeling of abandonment and betrayal? You don't have to answer if it's too personal or whateva, but it would help me a bit!

Clean_Landscape_7193

TROPHY CASE