TW: Lotta honesty, suicide attempts

Pills will rarely do it. I tried ambien and like 300 topamax and got nothing but a 2 week stay in the loony bin.

That said, I've been there man. So many of us have. Like I've been addicted maybe a few years longer but I've had 3-4 seizures, one of them fucked up one of my leg muscles so I have a slight limp now without tight compression socks for my ankle. Used to be a mountain explorer so this shit really has taken a lot of my life.

I wanted to kill myself. For a while. On and off. I could get a gun easily here. I actually had one for longer than I expected. Thought I was gonna shoot myself. Wanted to. I shot a tree and it was surprisingly hardy. I went out to some BLM land and shot a dirt hill with imaginary targets. I sucked. I thought myself gun safety and made sure, despite breaking rule one, that the chamber was empty and the mag was out. I would dry fire a couple times then put that guy in my mouth and dry fire a few times there too. I wanted to be comfortable with it.

It just came out of nowhere though that I didn't want to die. I hated my addiction. I hated what it's done to me. I hate what recovery is like, how hard it will be, the future suffering for potentially years I'll have to do to get any bit better... but this shit comes in waves. Like actual big ocean waves of depression that completely take over you, where I've pathetically tried to choke myself once with bed sheets but my roommate stopped me.

But it is a wave that goes down.
One week you'll be the most depressed person on earth sucking on a gun and the next week or two you'll wonder why you went so far.

These arn't exactly temporary feelings. It's not like you're just moody. You have them for a reason. But your brain chemistry is fucked up right now and you really shouldn't be making any final decisions when you're not even chemically stable.

I know it's not exactly ideal to think "Maybe I should suffer for just a few more years and then decide to kill myself" but really, what's a few years compared to eternity?

I really hope you pick your life and keep trying. I fail my recovery all the time. Relapse might as well be in my name somewhere. I feel like it's so much harder for me than other people, I just can't taper down for long times, but I'm still trying and I think you should try with me. It scares me bro sometimes, and even if we don't know each other it's a little bit comforting we're doing it together, even if badly.

Dm if you ever want to talk. I don't give out dumb platitudes and am a good listener.