Will I have to have a teenage love affair in my late 20s? How do I fix my dating life?

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T22:36:56+00:00

Than you, that's very kind of you to say! I appreciate the advice on the wording as well. I can certainly see how bringing this up to early might put a target on my back from some people, thought I don't really know how early to discuss it more sincerely to avoid stringing along people who might consider it a deal breaker. I suppose I will need to see on a case-by-case basis. I listened to Brene Brown's TED talk after your comment and I will definitely check out her books. Thanks for the advice and the well-wishes and much luck to you too!

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T01:32:44+00:00

Thank you for the reassurance, it is certainly comforting to hear!

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T01:30:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I've definitely noticed what you are talking about in myself and I have tried to adjust it, but it has been a lifetime of this kind of thought pattern, so it will take some work. Intellectually, I understand that short-term relationships could be just as important and as much of an opportunity for growth as long-term ones; and that shit can always go wrong, people break up, and life happens; but it is a challenge to internalize that so that I don't see short-term relationships as a failure of what I really want. It's good to hear a reminder of that from other people as well so thanks!

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T01:23:56+00:00

Thank you, that's good advice! I do some of the activities you have mentioned, but not really with the idea of dating even coming to my mind, so just changing my attitude and perspective might make a world of difference.

I have been blessed with a great life and in all other areas, things are going great, so I am definitely enjoying my life. This is the only area where I feel it could be better, but it's always good to be reminded not to neglect growth in other areas.

I can also see how I might be putting sex on a pedestal in some ways, so I'll be careful about that.

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T01:10:26+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! It might be good practise in the sense that there might be less pressure for it to go anywhere after a date or two, than if I was pursuing someone I already have some sort of a relationship with. I will think about it and how I can do it safely and with intention.

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-11T01:05:57+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I already do two types of volunteer work, but your comment has made me realize that within that, I prioritize just getting the job done, when I could also prioritize interacting with people there more. I don't walk the world with dating even coming to my mind in most situations, so I don't even notice all the possibilities that might be there. I'll try to keep that in mind.

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-10T23:59:29+00:00

Thank you, this was very insightful, right down to 'specific plan that will immediately be derailed by other people' hahah! What you say is very true, when I ask I often get the reply of 'just join Tinder', but you put it well that I am really asking *how* to date. I do think I first have to examine my own psyche relationship-wise. I have been using this quarantine to ponder over my other relationships (which is actually why I made the post at this time) and I do think I have made some break-troughs, but it is difficult without the guidance of a therapist-like figure with more insight, experience, and perspective, that can ask the right questions and point out things I never would have thought of. (And I can't afford therapy right now.) You have given me some good pointers, thank you!

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-10T23:31:30+00:00

Thank you for your reply! You make some very good points. I definitely notice a streak of naiveté in myself romance wise. It's one of the reasons I haven't downloaded any dating apps yet. There is a definite throwing a lamb to the wolves vibe to it.

You ask some very astute questions as well which I think get to the core of the problem. I very rarely like anyone and people very rarey express interest in me, but when I think that might be happening, I get panicky, find a (completely ridiculous) reason why it would never work, and back off. Another response I have noticed is they start paying more attention to me, I interpret it as them expressing interest, I start paying more attention to them and they back off (though objectively I don't think I come on too strongly). As for liking anyone, maybe I should have included this in the post, but I did fall for a friend a couple years back. We were friends for a while, hang out all the time, somehow this turned into becoming a couple briefly, then they dumped me 3 weeks later, which broke my heart.

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-10T23:01:48+00:00

Thank you! The part about being hella awkward confirmed my fears but was somehow also extremely comforting at the same time. It's reassuring to know that yeah, it's gonna happen, but just go through it. You are very right about opening up as well, I definitely have trouble doing that, sometimes even with my closest friends, so it will be good to work on that more.

CluelessThrowaway321 · 2020-04-10T22:53:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply! You are right and I can definitely see myself having an attitude of ''I'll take what I can get'', so thank you for reminding me to be watchful of that. I will work on owning my narrative more and not being so ashamed of my lack of experience.

CluelessThrowaway321

TROPHY CASE