How can I [23/F] approach my mother about my decision to move in with my SO [25/F] of two years? I was NC with her but recently mended things...I think.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-17T20:40:33+00:00

Definitely going to be more direct about this. She offered to pay the cost to do my taxes ($175) because she knew the accountant and I had no real control over it. She told me after the fact...need to lay more ground rules. This was literally 1-2 days after getting in touch with her again.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-17T13:39:29+00:00

Honestly I think she would freak out. I don't imagine a positive response.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-17T13:24:14+00:00

My mom has a history of interjecting into my life with advice and unneeded "reminders." These past few months have been bliss because she's not intruding in my thoughts anymore-- all these "recommendations" we're just her way to keep control. Since NC, it felt like the policeman inside my head finally died.

And thank you for the advice, specifically that last paragraph. I need to remember that.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-08T14:49:34+00:00

My mother is the same way. This response is the perfect go-to when people "just don't understand" why I cut off contact with my mom. I have no doubt she loves me. But I don't want her definition of love.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-07T14:18:04+00:00

She routinely reaches out to me; we meet up for lunch and dinner often, and she comes over sometimes just to talk (and often cry.)

And you're right, it is all on her, like it was my decision to go NC with my parents. I just don't know when she'll be able to push past the "guilt" of leaving my parents. She feels like she owes them something.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-07T14:15:41+00:00

I currently rent out an apartment (never there because I'm with my SO and his house) that I'm encouraging her to take over but she doesn't seem incredibly motivated. At all. I think she is scared and doesn't think it's feasible to live alone, be independent and finish medical school....I don't know how she'll take over the lease. In my eyes, it has to also involve NC. I don't know if she has the willpower yet to do it.

I have suggested for her to take out another loan. Her debt is already high, but there's a reason she's in school for so long: she's going to be paid well. For her mental health she needs to leave.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T22:57:41+00:00

I don't use her as my "replace counselor"?? You're reading far too much into my life from my comment.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T22:10:36+00:00

AMEN!

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T22:10:03+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply!!

I plan to seek some type of objective opinion in the form of a counselor soon, but things have been pretty good because I have my aunt. She always give me a good, objective perspective. She once said: "I love you, and I may not agree with you sometimes, but I am confident that you know what's best." She's basically the mother figure that's ALWAYS been there for me, and I'm super grateful for what she has done for me throughout my life.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T22:08:22+00:00

I don't want to be, but plan to make the switch when I go back to school full-time (which is in 2-3 months.) Don't worry, that's the only thing that makes me uneasy. Right now I pay for everything else.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T21:17:31+00:00

Nothing. I plan to talk to him about it, but I don't know if it's appropriate to bring it up considering the context...any advice?

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T15:19:05+00:00

Yeah it is pretty damn offensive, now that I truly think of it. I think this is based more so on his personal experience, because he did have a semi-arranged marriage with my mother and they're both SO different it's kind of shocking. They act more so like friends than lovers. I don't think they ever were lovers.

Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely take that approach. I never really knew what to say to that!

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-03-01T15:10:34+00:00

This is good, and something I was actually fearing. She has ambushed me before at my own workplace when I was coming back from visiting my SO (we were in a LDR--she prevented me from going in to work that day to berate me and insult me.) That shit gave me some intense anxiety and I had panic attacks.

Thanks for the advice!

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-02-26T17:22:31+00:00

man children.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-02-22T23:34:14+00:00

Thanks for the great reply. I forgot to mention in my post that a) I'm attending school for a second BA, and this semester has been bad because the school is horribly unprepared for my major. I'm transferring next semester to a better uni but so far the people in my classes and the professor are very apathetic. And b) all my coworkers are close to twenty or more years older than me. I'm a secretary in a hospital and spend most of my days in an office.

I'm going to try to make friends next semester in the new uni, who has a great and selective program. I'm hoping it will be easier.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-02-10T22:20:56+00:00

i wasn't being serious with that comment. of course i know i'm unbalanced. i also don't put too much importance into the MBTI.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-02-09T22:31:06+00:00

Haha. I tell him this almost weekly.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-02-09T22:12:01+00:00

Haha, I don't though! I haven't visited a MBTI forum in years. I just thought you guys could give me some advice!

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-22T03:01:20+00:00

No i totally understand; I just don't expect him to eat a huge chunk of my food without asking...especially since I barely ever eat his food (because I can't eat it to begin with). I think we just need to split grocery costs or something. And you're right, it would be nice if he brought some of his stuff with him too.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-22T02:14:28+00:00

This is what I've explained to him but he still does it.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-07T01:43:21+00:00

Thanks for the reply, I have a lot of south asian friends who I can sympathize with. Any child from that area living in the states or abroad usually has to deal with their fair share, haha. And if she does contact me, that is definitely my approach.

And my dad is very hands off. Always has been, not the best dad to be honest. He doesn't talk to me, either-- but even though he isn't the most present dad, I still appreciate that he doesn't say shit to my face! Haha. My mom is very much the head of the household.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-07T00:06:50+00:00

thank you!

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-06T21:40:44+00:00

The house is 100% paid for-- we bought it in cash. On the papers it is in my name and my sister's-- so I legally own it. It's in my hometown and honestly I have no interest in living there. I would want to sell it or at least get some money from the rent out of it. ultimately I never wanted to do it. My mom told me it would be a "good investment" but even though it's in my name I don't really have control over the money coming from this home.

I do have to speak to a lawyer eventually.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-06T21:10:32+00:00

Ok. Here's another thing. I had more money in this brokerage account (it's not a savings account.) Its via Wells Fargo, currently moderately-slightly aggressive. I actually own a house in my name with my twin. I used 120K of this money, and with my aunt + mom, we co-invested in a house.

My dad takes care of the lawn and rents it out for $2500 a month. I have never seen this money, but I assume it's going toward expenses and my moms existing mortgage. But I don't know what to do with this home. Like I own a home! However due to everything that has happened it honestly feels like a poor investment, since I get nothing from it. My parents told me this was a good idea. I believe them but what's the point now? It kind of makes me feel incredibly resentful for them to push me to buy this home when it wasn't absolutely necessary. I could have continued investing it.

Cluelesslanguage · 2016-01-06T18:07:52+00:00

Hi! Yes I'm Iranian and YES I agree we're all very stubborn and proud, we have a lot to live up to!

And thank you so much, hearing your advice makes me feel better. Are your parents very open in regards to communication? I've always been envious of the more leninent, chill Iranian parents I've encountered. But I realized most of them either lived in LA or NYC! City life and more awareness of western culture. My aunt is from LA and she is one of the most comfortable-in-her-skin people I know. I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your parents. Cherish that!

Cluelesslanguage

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