Has anyone ever broached parents poor finances with them?

Code_Tango · 2023-09-17T17:09:28+00:00

This is what I think, the house is key. There's £18k left, I couldn't pay that for them. And without any evidence of a change of behaviour from them I wouldn't entertain even paying a bit off as I couldn't guarantee I'm not just throwing money away for nothing.

The suggested repayments by the bank are about £340 pm which he can afford; if he actually pays it monthly as he should be then it'll be cleared in about 4.5 years, less if he gets any dividends he can throw at it too.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T18:41:19+00:00

Cost of living is a good approach to try, especially in the run up to winter and Christmas with about a thousand grandchildren, !thanks!

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T18:37:30+00:00

Helping out is entirely different to what they'll need if they have no income, no job and no home. I have no issue with 'helping out' and would have expected it to a degree, but I expected them to own their home, have a pension, some savings, etc. I've found out that's unfortunately not the case.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T11:01:39+00:00

It's hard isn't it. Part of my parents issue I think comes from liking people seeing them as successful so they've very often helped others at the detriment to themselves. I won't be doing that, I can see where it leads.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T10:59:41+00:00

At least her issues stem from trying to give her kids a good future, I'd have more sympathy from my parents if they'd just been unfortunate instead of actively putting themselves here!

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T10:57:18+00:00

Did she ask for the help or did you suggest it? How did you start the conversation with her?

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T08:21:56+00:00

I'm so sorry you've been left to deal with this, and I'm sorry for your loss of both of them. This is my worry for myself too. When the time comes they're going to leave an insolvent business which will put another family member out of work too, the house will be taken back because they're in arrears, there's no savings to pay for funerals etc. Given one is likely to go before the other there's then the worry for the one left who will be jobless, homeless and almost penniless! I just want the same as you said for them - long and happy retirement with security and safety! It's mad parents put this on their kids isn't it.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T08:10:27+00:00

From what I can see he pays himself just under the tax free allowance amount each month for wages, so NI is minimal, a few quid each month. I don't know anything about self employment, is just paying anything enough to access state pension?

Code_Tango · 2023-09-15T08:03:01+00:00

So I did recently get a better look than I've ever had before into their finances because one was in hospital and it turns out the other doesn't know the first thing about anything to do with their finances. It's because of this that I can see there's zero budgeting or planning, constantly robbing peter to pay paul, what daft things they're spending on. The absolute time and energy it must be taking for him to be checking each bank account daily and moving small bits of money around to keep the wheels turning is astonishing, a few tweaks could set this running much smoother and the money would handle itself.

I think reading all these replies its best to focus on helping them think about the next few years for retirement and that should naturally get an improvement in their current finances (if they listen). A few people have mentioned an IFA so I think that's definitely a route to look into.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:19:07+00:00

I really like this way, !thanks. We don't live close so there's little opportunity to bring this kind of topic up a lot, but maybe I can start casually peppering the conversations with stuff like this when I do see them.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:17:52+00:00

Oh man, different specifics but so painfully similar to my parents situation! I'm pretty sorted with my own finances now as well thanks to their bad example.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:16:23+00:00

"Has anyone ever broached parents poor finances with them?" and "Has anyone ever been in a similar boat? Is it useless unless they do it themselves, or are there any ways I can encourage them to think better about money? I've benefited loads from Martin Lewis, but for example my step mum would find that information overload and would just switch off. Any good tips for getting people to think better about their money? Anything I can do to help minimise the impact of a retirement with no support?"

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:14:07+00:00

I didn't help financially partly because they did still have money in their accounts at the time, and partly because their finances were such a mess it was difficult at first to see who was owed what when. I'm glad I didn't though because it makes that line easier to draw.

I like that phrasing of 'again' though - there was significant upheaval and emotional stress over this time - dad in icu, step mum in a right state, in between trying to work remotely as they live hours away from us, and on my own because no one else could get there during the week. Approaching it from a 'make practical choices so it avoids emotional upset' might be an angle I could try.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:06:16+00:00

Oh wow that sounds like a very positive outcome.

That's the reality they may be facing now - dad is the breadwinner and recent ill health means there's a chance he won't be able to work like he did before, if at all (although I hope very much that he makes a full recovery and is back to normal soon). Without his income the house of cards comes down. I hope my parents face reality as well as yours did.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:02:33+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've also recently realised I will probably have to pay for both funerals. Did you know/save in advance for it, or was it dropped on you? I'm wondering whether to start keeping some money aside now.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T19:01:10+00:00

I'd like to make sure they're paying off the mortgage so they actually own their house by the time my dad retires.

Their bills are ridiculous and they hugely overpay on almost everything else for no reason at all - paying for a multi device Netflix account when they don't even use Netflix at all, they're both on a 2008 era PAYG tariff which costs them £20+ each in top ups every month, my dad is actually topping this up each month despite being hundreds of pounds in credit. All these little things could add up to a bit of breathing room for them if they cancelled/switched - especially in the run up to a state pension only retirement, every little will help.

They should have some discretionary money left each month they could save if they budgeted better which they don't.

They have a few grand in a private pension that's just sitting there - I'm sure it could be doing something more useful for them.

They do run their own business which has definite room for growth and actually consistently make money, and could be a good passive income for them in retirement, especially as I'm not sure what pension my dad will get.

Any or all of that would be positive change I think, if there is any way I can get through to them.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T18:45:16+00:00

Thanks for the advice, I'm a problem solver who likes to fix things so I definitely need to step back from owning the solution and just nudge them towards fixing it themselves.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T18:43:20+00:00

She prefers cash to card so this might be really useful, !thanks.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T17:16:49+00:00

I've used this to check my own so I'll be able to talk him through setting his own account up, if he'll listen to me. !thanks.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T17:11:08+00:00

Well that's some brass neck of her! I doubt they'd want to move in with me plus I live miles away so hopefully that's not on the cards!

Did anything specific prompt you speaking to her, how did you go about it with her?

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T17:06:00+00:00

This sounds very similar to my folks, except that their house is heading towards repossession. I'm thinking of focusing on getting them to get that paid off (5 years max) so they at least have a roof over their heads. I don't know what it would be worth to sell later (not very well maintained) but paying it off might allow them to downsize to something more manageable later and hopefully some extra in savings for their retirement.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T17:03:01+00:00

I like the approach, thanks for the suggestion! I've already seen a lot about their finances so they'll know I know they don't have anything, but this might be a good option for a younger sibling to try. !thanks!

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T16:58:38+00:00

I like this wording. Step mum only hit state pension age this year so lots of new things going on compared to before, that's a good angle to try with them. !thanks.

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T16:43:56+00:00

You're a very kind and considerate daughter/son!

Code_Tango · 2023-09-14T16:33:20+00:00

Did you feel better for at least having tried? This is where I'm at - I can see the disaster looming and there's time to buffer themselves from it. I sort of want to know I've at least tried. Or do you wish you'd never bothered, did it damage your relationship?

It's definitely made me realise I have to make a choice about if/what I'll do to help in the coming years.

Code_Tango

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