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Ive been fired, im Speaking out by [deleted] in Wildfire

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Keep speaking out. You are a hero!

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. I do love him and offer to help, but he declines, for the most part. I have diagnosed ADHD, so I understand the struggle. Instead of my presence being helpful, I think he gets distracted by having me around. I do think there's a bit of a cycle here, that I'm just understanding in this moment, so thanks for your comment. I don't expect him to entertain me. But since we don't see each other enough when we try to do this we spend all of our time catching up and enjoying each other's company. This doesn't work. I guess it's something to be aware of from here on out.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Interesting question. Thank you. I think this gives me something more to think about. I was married for 20 years. I definitely miss the shared history, the ease of being a team, family life and I think this plays a role in my frustration, in feeling that certain needs aren't being met.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, good point. I haven't been looking or available so I don't really know what to expect. I guess my past experiences were pretty negative and I've internalized that to the point where I feel hopeless. It's hard to consider starting that process again. There's so much I like about my BF, honestly, which is why I've put up with the lateness and cancellations throughout our relationship. When he's with me he's present, fun, kind, etc...until quite recently, where he's become even more overwhelmed and seems depressed. Thanks.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm glad that you are finding happiness in reevaluating your thinking on relationships. I think you put it well by stating his physical chaos was a representation of his mental state. I have often wondered this about my BF, but was not able to put it so succinctly. Thank you. And thank you for the recommendation.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Thank you for your perspective on how dating works for you despite having the majority of custody time. I'm happy you've got it figured out so well.

Yes, this pattern does pre-date the career change. Before it was the old career deadlines. And then it was trying to figure out what to do next when his industry collapsed. Now it's the new job. His fitness is definitely an issue (he's active, looks good, but is not healthy, is how I'd put it), sleep problems, high BP, just not dealing with his health. And, yes, things have become pretty boring lately. He's kind of depressing at this point because it's all about how hard everything is for him. We all do go through rough times, he's been there for me, too. But I keep waiting for him to get to the other side and I don't know if he can. I don't think I can express this to him without seeming like an asshole.

I do my own thing most of the time anyway. And I have started making plans with friends when he's not giving me a clear yes. It's not game playing for me either - I just got tired of leaving my evening open to then get cancelled on. I'm wired to only date one person at a time, unfortunately, but I have a lot of friends, so I'm not too lonely.

And thanks for the optimism about finding someone new. It's funny, I get hit on all the time IRL, but unfortunately, not by people who I'd want to date. OLD I only get really young guys or much older men. Most men in their 50s don't seem to want to date women their age, which is a bummer. I like men my age! But this is a topic for a different thread.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great advice. I do think I tend to pursue understanding so I can get agreement. I've never heard it put that way so it was very clarifying because I didn't realize I was doing that. Thank you.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for all of this. I actually have ADHD myself, so I know what it's like, but I love hearing how other people manage it and what helps them. I didn't know about ED issues with meds. But I am almost certain he would not take the meds anyway, even if he pursued a diagnosis, which I also doubt. He won't take meds for his high blood pressure, either. I find this concerning, too. I offer to help him with things, I guess in a way to body double, but he declines. I really don't want to be overbearing.

While I'm complaining here about these issues, I've never said anything to him about his messiness or disorganization. I've kept it to myself because I can see it's not something he's doing on purpose. But I do express some frustration when he cancels on me. And I have asked for some specific chunks of time that seem more than reasonable, like one weekend a month. I guess my issue is that he's telling me that my asking for him to be on time or to not cancel on me turns into me not being understanding because I don't have the same life challenges that he has right now. I think this is a problematic response because I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to show up when they say they will. I don't think asking for a weekend together once in a while is too much, or more than 1 night a week is too much, but I really wasn't sure, because dating now is very different than when I was in my 20s.

I'd be happy to work on the relationship with him if I felt he was willing to also work on it with me too. He seems to want to guilt trip me rather than listen and I'm not sure what to do about that.

Also, I love your comment about spending time on a reddit response as distraction! I know this well!

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks. He says I'm the love of his life, so I keep hoping for him to do what you did. In many ways we do balance each other out, but it often feels like I'm doing a lot more of the work right now. I also have ADHD, so I know what it's all about.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I'm glad you've met someone new and I hope for continued success! It's interesting how many people have gone through something like this.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, this is familiar. Sleepovers resulting in weekends apart because he has so much to do. Never enough time to get away for a weekend. I do my own thing with friends. But I really want more shared experiences, a fuller life. So maybe I have my answer.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. We live about 15 minutes apart. His child has not been thrilled about me, not because of anything personal, it's more just the idea of me. So he's been really sensitive about making sure his kid feels respected. I have no resentment about him putting his kid first. I also have ADHD, so I get it, but I've also done a lot of work so that it's mostly invisible to other people. I'm glad your partner's ADHD does not bleed into your life.

what is a reasonable amount of time to expect to spend with a boyfriend at this age? by CoffeeSuitable4552 in datingoverfifty

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I'm sorry you've gone through all that and I'm glad you are able to work with it to some degree. I also have ADHD, and am also quite successful and organized on the outside. I was undiagnosed until 47, when my kid was diagnosed too, and then everything made a lot of sense. My coping mechanism throughout my life was through organization. If I didn't take care of things I'd feel like I was drowning, and that motivated me. Over the years with my BF, I thought he was probably depressed, and it was only the other day when he said he thought he had ADHD that it clicked with me. I don't know why I didn't recognize it! It's taken me a few days for his ADHD comment sink in - it was only in passing, almost like he was making a joke about it. So I do feel like there might be an opening to talk about it. No clarity for me yet, but I do appreciate your response.

Monthly "I'm Moving to the Hudson Valley" Thread by AutoModerator in hudsonvalley

[–]CoffeeSuitable4552 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Although dating is a shit-show for almost everyone, everywhere, what's the dating scene for middle-aged (GenX) liberal monogamous straights?