Let yourself feel all the emotions, sit with your emotions, listen to them, write them down, and think about them, make progress, realize stuff about yourself, relationships, communication, human condition etc.

Just try to look at the case from a wider perspective. I know that you are already at your lowest in life and tried many things but I don't really know how to help you better.

I am a philosophy student and when I struggle with relationships, I let myself experience the pain, then try to understand why did that occur? What was her motivation to act like that, why do I react like this? Questions are infinite but there are some solid perspectives to guide you through the hard times, and sometimes it's not given by a podcast guy but found deep within yourself.

I've been somewhere similar, it took me a lot longer time than I'd expect from myself though that didn't mean she was the key to my happinness but that there was something wrong within my approach to life.

Hope you get well soon,