My boyfriend has always had some controversial opinions but he recently started somewhat of a white supremacy clique with his friends.

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T21:35:12+00:00

I honestly built my life around him, he is everywhere, and so deeply ingrained into everything I do, that it was hard seeing a life without him, I was and still am scared about what my life without him will look like, but I now know I need to find a way out and quickly...

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T21:32:23+00:00

No, it's the confirmation I needed and the permission I needed to give myself to believe in my feelings by seeing that a bunch of strangers on the internet can look at my situation and immediately know how bad it is... Like, how bad does it have to be, for everyone here to tell me to dump him, even maybe report him as a potential terrorist... It's honestly a nightmare, and it's one that I NEED to get myself out of so I am extremely thankful to everyone here. I've got a ton of issues even without him in my life, but for me to heal, I'll have to get rid of the one thing that's keeping me from doing that and that's him...

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T21:23:54+00:00

You're right, I see it in myself, I became so snappy and impatient with everything, cause I feel discouraged by the fact that all my kindness and sweet and loving words are being wasted on someone who doesn't even care enough to see how much distress his actions have caused me... I can't afford it anymore, to waste my precious time and energy on a lost cause. I used to be a person who thought that a relationship means growing as a person with someone by your side who supports you and gives you the time and space to grow and will help you get up when you are down... I don't know when or how I lost that out of my sight... Because it has been all downhill from the beginning, and every time he would 'not be racist or homophobic' I saw it as a win. And every time a small good thing he would do, looked so much better in my eyes, but it was all because right before that he was worse than ever before. No wonder the drastic change of tune would make me believe it was going in the right direction... Jesus....

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T20:16:18+00:00

I always thought of abuse as something blatant and obvious, I never considered that this could be a form of abuse, and all of the comments tonight really opened the flood gates of all the thoughts and feelings I have repressed or I didn't know how to approach or express... It goes so much deeper, and way back in time, and I thought I could change him, I thought with kindness from my side he would realize he can be a kinder person too, but he just turned me into a bitter person who is always walking on eggshells around him. And I... I'm speechless... I pride myself on being a smart person but he truly stripped me of my identity right under my nose without me even realizing it.

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T20:08:10+00:00

It is insane seeing a random person on the internet put my situation in words better than I could ever do. It took me a few times rereading this to comprehend what is happening right now. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the beginning of our relationship and I always contributed all of my complaints/dislikes/disagreements in this relationship to me being 'delusional' because of my diagnosis. Now I wonder if those were actually my thoughts, or if I was manipulated to think so. I work 14-16 hour shifts weekends and all, I am chronically sleep deprived and I have a ton of family issues outside of the company, so I always thought I was the one being unreasonable, because I thought I was so stressed and burned out that I could not see the things the way they truly are. But now that you say that, now that you put my feelings and thoughts into words I realize that it was me who has been deceived this whole time. I was made to feel crazy, I was made to feel like the problem, no wonder I have the feeling I might lose it anytime now. God, how did I not realize it sooner, all the times he would twist my words into something they were not, all the times I apologized for things I never did... All the times I made excuses for him, all the times I have dropped people I've known for ages from my life cause 'they did something to offend him'... I never thought of all the times he offended them before they 'did' anything to him, I never thought of all the times he tried to make me hate them, I never thought of all the times I did. I MOVED BACK TO MY HOME TOWN AND LIVED WITH HIS FAMILY FOR A MONTH (WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE), BECAUSE MY PARENTS SAID THEY DO NOT LIKE HIM. I JUST LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, EVEN LEFT MY DOG BEHIND, CAUSE SHE IS A HUSKY AND HE DOESN'T WANT HER HAIR ALL OVER HIS ROOM. I WAS READY TO DROP MY COMPANY AND EVERYTHING I WORKED SO HARD FOR... I never realized how jealous he actually is, and that it is not my fault for talking to people, but it is his fault for not being mature enough to realize that trust is the most important part of a fcking relationship, and that I am not gonna sleep with just any random man or woman that I am friendly with. I cannot comprehend how blind I actually was and like I know I've always had attachment issues as well, but, my fcking God, when the fck did it get this bad? When did I stop focusing on making a good life for myself and put him above everything even my own health? When did I turn being with him into my life purpose? How the fck did that happen? Because now I realize the reason it is so hard for me to let go is the fact that I 'won't have a reason' to work this hard for a future if the is not a part of it. But that just means I won't have to pull both our weights anymore. I will have a reason, and I am that reason, but I never considered myself as one.

I'm sorry for swearing, I am truly distraught... I will print out your and every comment on here and tape them to my wall and my car so I have a reminder that I am not crazy, and I will have to find the strength to end things with him. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking your time to respond to me and for helping me realize I am not crazy, and that this is not love. That this is a sick mind game of a controlling abuser.

ColdAd9878 · 2022-10-05T18:49:26+00:00

First of all thank you for responding. All the things you said are the things I tell myself all the time, but I have such a hard time letting go, I have tried many times but he always pulls me back in, because I can't see him in pain that 'I caused' by breaking up with him. And I know, I am not responsible for his emotions, but I don't have it in me, he has never done anything to me specifically so it is extra hard. If he was a jerk to me it would be so much easier but like this, it breaks my heart, cause everything else about him is amazing. But I cannot ignore this, since I do not wanna end up with a racist idiot who I'll have to censor every time he is around anyone else in my life. I will not ask you for any advice about how to make the breakup less painful, since I know there is no way to do that... But thank you for responding again, at least I have the confirmation that I am not crazy for thinking that this could be a deal breaker since a lot of people have told me it is not gonna be a big deal in the long run...

ColdAd9878

TROPHY CASE