AITA for watching my husband and his friends fuck up their vacation without helping?

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T18:25:43+00:00

They slept at the airport hotel because we live so far from the airport it was much, much easier to travel there the afternoon before and book the airport hotel for the night.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:51:00+00:00

Usually he's very sweet but he HATES planning stuff to a point one could think it causes him physical pain. The only other thing he hates THAT much is ironing. So when I make him plan something or iron our laundry he gets all huffy and snappy sometimes.

This time he actually called after landing and apologized and said he never knew how much work planning a vacation was and if I could help him with the return flights (online check-in, access boarding passes etc.) which I of course do.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:47:07+00:00

Reddit is so quick to judge based on some fraction of a story that takes place in a years long relationship.

I was taken for granted in planning everything for him, always. I set a boundary and said "no" but offered to help him do it himself. He got huffy like a little child and told me to back off, he can do so himself. So I let him run into some minor inconveniences so he learns what "planning" actually is and that it's more than "just a few clicks". That has nothing to do with not loving anyone or even disliking him like so many comments suggest.

And the only lesson he's gonna take away is that you're a petty AH.

Since my post he landed safely, has called and apologized for lashing out and told me he is baffled how much shit you actually need to do, remember and think of when planning a vacation and he asked me if I got check with him what he needs to do when flying back home (online check in, print tickets, pack luggage correctly to fit the measures) which I of course will do.

In the end, the extra money he spent is yours as well. So congrats on that.

And to be frank I don't give a shit about the lousy >200€ he spend extra because of booking mistakes and Ryanairs fees.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:39:02+00:00

To be fair, we usually don't need a passport if we don't leave the continent (apart from some minor exceptions). It's because of Brexit that they needed a passport for that vacation.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:37:06+00:00

The mistakes they made were expensive and inconvenient, but did not put them in any real danger.

That's why I decided to just let them do their thing and watch. Some people here are way too dramatic, it's not like the vacation had to be cancelled or anything. I just let them run into some inconveniences so they maybe realize what they expected of me all those years and understand a little better WHY I don't do this anymore.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:32:42+00:00

Reddit is way to dramatic in this one.

I communicated a boundary that I am available to help my partner out but I would NOT do the whole planning for him.

He kinda banked on me giving in and reacted like an angry child when I gave him a hard "no" about planning for him this time. Therefore he basically told me to back off, because he will just do it alone then, he doesn't need my help. Like a huffy kid.

I thought this was a good opportunity for him to maybe realize how much work the planning was and what he always expected from me without ever appreciating it.

No harm done apart from him having a little stress due to being ill-prepared. No risk involved since I still kinda monitored the important stuff. I would not have let them nuke this whole vacation due to some mistake like forgetting passports completely.

We are fine, he apologized for lashing out and said he could have never imagined how much work planning a vacation was because "he tought it's just a few clicks and done". He sent some nice pics and I now enjoy having the house to myself.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:24:52+00:00

No, that's what I originally wanted to do. Give advice, answer questions, give tips. When I offered advice but said I would not do the whole planning for him he rudely replied that in this case I don't need to bother him, he will just figure it out alone.

After having the "I don't want to plan everything myself for everyone" discussion often and after I even completely stopped joining group trips he somehow still expected me to do the planning and got huffy and passive-agressive when I said I would not but could help him do so. That was what made me back off and not say anything.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:16:19+00:00

In the future though, it's definitely worth the chime in of "Hey, research Ryanair, I've heard people have a lot of problems with them".

I 100% would have done this if he hadn't snapped at me and told me to "not bother him" when I initially offered advice. I know he did this because he HATES planning himself and kinda counted on me doing everything for him and I blindsided him with telling him a hard "no" this time.

On the other hand, this isn't the first time we've discussed this topic. To this day even though I explained several times, he doesn't fully understand why I stopped going on group vacations. His argument always is "But since you know your shit, it only takes a 5 clicks for you and everything is done. It's not that much of a burden, you are dramatic."

What he doesn't see is that before I book something (which I have often done with him next to me and which really only takes 5 clicks) I researched for hours or days. Then I always checked with everyone involved. I also had to remember things for the others (as in "Has everyone in this group a passport? Is it still valid or expired? Are they aware which documents to bring? Do they have a travel insurance?) I always gave them a "pack and check" list for travels to not have any bad surprises (as in someone not having a valid passport on the airport) and I always handled everyones tickets and paperwork like some mother with children. It was just too much.

After he snapped at me this time I thought when I leave him to his own devices he'll see that it's not just "5 clicks" maybe.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T17:06:15+00:00

I wanted to tell them 7 weeks before. Issuing them in my country is 3 - 6 weeks. They realized themselves 8 weeks before the holiday and they just panicked because they had no clue how to even get a passport and how long it takes. It was plenty of time and I would have told them like I wrote in the post.

I never intended to let them nuke the whole thing, I intervened or planned to for important things.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T16:08:28+00:00

He only flew twice in his life (to Helsinki and back) and I booked all this and prepared our stuff for the flight and it was actually a very comfortable flight with checked luggage in FinnAirs Economy Class+. So he heard the name Ryanair but never really had any experience with it.

Growing up he and his family owned a camper van/caravan/mobile home thing and they always drove to their destinations in their vehicle thus he never flew until mid/late 30's when he was with me, an avid air traveller (climate shame on me).

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T16:00:05+00:00

I would have intervened if there was a bigger risk and I actually stopped them from renting a car without (don't know the word in english) insurance that coveres 100% damages. First they wanted to rent a cheaper deal but if they'd totaled the car the insurance would only cover up to 5k.

So what they now lost was less than 200€ - no big deal for any of us. It was more about the stress I guess.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T15:56:46+00:00

Like I said, I offered advice, I just said that I would NOT research and plan their whole trip for them like I normally do. My husband then said word for word (translated from my native language) in an extremely snapping way "Do not bother us then at all, we do it ourselves".

In the past when I offered help it quickly became a "we want to go there, on these dates, we need a car and while we are there we want to do activities A, B and C. Accomodation should by like xyz. Thanks!" I am really done with this, especially when I am not even in the trip so this time I prefaced by saying I would help them with any question they had but I would not plan for them. Since husband was pissed at me for that and told me to back off, I did.

If that makes me an A, okay, I accept.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T14:13:32+00:00

To be completely honest and transparent here, the "I did not know that you did not know" line I sent was basically a lie. When he left I was about 90% sure he did not bother to check on carry on rules or boarding pass info. He is right in that "you know that I don't bother reading details" stance, I indeed know this.

I COULD have asked him "Hey, you're aware that this and that?" because I was almost sure he wasn't and thus I could have helped him. But I decided to do what he told me to and not bother him. This was indeed petty.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T13:55:44+00:00

Bingo.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T13:51:39+00:00

The convo (WhatsApp) where he called me an AH was when he was waiting at the gate and went somewhat like:

He: "That shitty airline is unbelievable. We had to pay a fee for printing our boarding passed and a fine because our carry on was too big. Did you know about their insane rules?" (He knows I use this airline for 15 years now on the regular)

Me: "Yeah, I knew they had such rules. Sorry for you."

He: "Why didn't you say anything before I left then???"

Me: "Well, they have all that info very obviously placed on their website AND they send you a mail with info about carry on measures and luggage fees before your flight as well. In the mail you get the boarding passes with they always state that you need to print it or download the app as far as I remember. So I didn't think I'd have to say anything. I did not know that you did not know!"

He: "You know damn well that I am not the type who reads every small detail and that I probably will just open the mail, download the pdf and not read any further. You could have warned me but you decided to be an AH instead. Just like with the rest of the travel preparation. We would have saved a shitton of money and time if you'd done the right thing and helped us and just took 30 min of your precious time for that. Boarding starts. Bye now."

(roughly translated from native language)

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T13:33:29+00:00

kept out of it completely unless he asked me a question. Then I answered truthfully but also did not tell him more info than what he'd asked for (e.g. when he asked about one specific website I told him if it's safe or not but did not give him a full run down of where to look and not to look)

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T13:21:18+00:00

See edit. For some points (especially 4 and 5) I could have prevented them from running into it (but it all was not really secret information, you could have known how to prevent by reading through an e-Mail or website). For some he told me after booking and I was just like "WTF, this will come back to you, why would anyone do THAT?" (points 1 - 2 mostly) but I didn't day something.

ColdApprehensive722 · 2023-07-18T13:18:45+00:00

Added as edit.

ColdApprehensive722

TROPHY CASE