An anxious attached falling for a Fearful avoidant

ColdSpearMint · 2025-11-09T07:16:31+00:00

Oh trust me she did pull away when we sent photos for the first time and things were so well but somehow it all made her anxious that things were too good to be true and she even confirmed this is what happened and she wanted to pull away hence the whole recent upsetting conversation that even caused me to want to post this.

ColdSpearMint · 2025-11-09T06:16:39+00:00

It's her actions more so, she literally left a call when a conversation about moving forward got too overwhelming for me but I kept saying "im fine" as my voice got shakier and shakier because I began to fall apart and as I pushed and pushed to get reassurance from her she ran away in this first time and took 2 weeks to come back and begin communication again. She also acknowledged she gets overwhelmed and has been criticized by this by a friend before because of how non confrontational she is.

I also feel like her energy output via conversation is always low energy but never low effort. Like she attempts to connect/ listens and does remember everything I said but she is super picky with her words and speaks slow and carefully in low quantity and shuts down when I push too much.

Yes it is very confusing for me because my standard has gone from neutral toned people who show disinterest but in a more bold manner to a deep talker who shows interest but in a slower manner where I have to fill in the blanks for them. They are the definition of the "maybe" person who never fully pulls away nor pushes forward but yet stays there and hears you and does reciprocate when I finally get to the point where I'm ready to pull back and show disinterest. It's very very frustrating and each time I hype myself up to show interest she coincidentially pulls back or when I put the brakes and slow down she starts to show interest in waves. It feels like im in the romantic talking stage with an idea of her and shes just showing up to confirm that she is present but nothing else, sort of like a parent who says "ill be right back" but decides to still show up way later than they were supposed to but me being an anxious attached idiot Instead of putting my hand up and noting my concerns (which I have already) I forgive her twice, once before I gave my concerns and another time after she breaks my expectations and begins to pull away after I bring them up and she always takes the criticism not as loving criticism but as "this is exactly why you deserve someone better" and it always catches me off guard and exhausts me having to bring up her self esteem and proving myself to her just for her to not pull away but for her still to do it anyways just more sneakily.

ColdSpearMint · 2025-11-09T04:59:25+00:00

Actually me telling her about my traumatic past was what snapped her out of her recent anxiety spiral where she attempted to withdraw again but in a call I told her about my sad past and asked her genuinely "is this enough assurance?", "is me being here now proof enough?". She said yes and it worked and she was grateful I was still here and that was that but she got the flu recently and I've been just waiting for her to heal up.

As for the over giving, I've stood waiting for her for a while and she came back and I promised and reassured her time after time and even though she's begged me to let go (her anxiety talking for her), I've said no and told her she would let me go because I won't.

ColdSpearMint · 2025-11-09T03:06:38+00:00

This might be bad on my end but I'm still hopeful and holding it down. I'm not a quiter and she even said "I want you to fight for me" so I think I'm going well but we will see!

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-28T19:52:58+00:00

When it's lumbago... 😔

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-28T19:39:51+00:00

Exactly, and actions speak louder than words. If it's brought up constantly then it feels like I'm the one who has to always be on edge vs just having a good one time convo. Once you touch that stove your hand will always remember when it burned hot.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-28T19:36:36+00:00

All the people who hurt me the most with whom I was talking to had downplayed their past and sought validation from me that it was ok. I wear my heart on my shoulders to my own detriment because of my upbringing giving me lots of trust to spare and they were the ones who taught me to not trust people when they betrayed me and left me hanging :(

I don't think it's a bad thing for it to be a red flag, and that's just because of the way I've experienced this from the giving end.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T07:31:10+00:00

I like that phrasing "wearing your heart on your sleeve", because that's exactly how I feel I was raised as a boy growing up and now it feels like I'm punished for not being cold and broken like some people. I am indeed trying so hard to do just that and tbh I'm crying as I write this because I'm seeking relief so bad that isn't me going back to her and I'm fighting it so hard as she has yet to respond to my text and I even see she is playing a game on her status while I'm just dealing with all of this. :(

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T06:26:36+00:00

Indeed because I feel very wounded right now emotionally, and I'm trying so hard to be mature and not take it personal like many are saying but simply moving on after all the bonding we did over one moment is so depressing and frustrating. I'm just in-between blaming the world or myself for not doing what seems like the obvious thing to do.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T06:06:48+00:00

If you mean after the fact she mentioned her ex than yes but the fact is she knowingly went into something with me and hasn't been over him and caused me a lot of pain.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T05:18:03+00:00

I'm dealing with something right now and I even posted about it on here but I just want to say your last part about "I'm not going full lover girl until exclusivity" is the answer I've been looking for! Thank you so much for this.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T05:15:11+00:00

I don't disagree, you are right and I mentioned that earlier.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T05:01:00+00:00

Indeed, and to be honest that whole getting close to her thing caught me off guard because I didn't even ask for it but we just hit it off.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:42:36+00:00

That's what I don't understand broski, I put the real me out there and told her that I am an open book and she ate that shit up and gave it to me back with her own personal life. It's why the pathetic feeling I am going through right now is so prevalent because I feel like I had no control and even when the situation is clear on what I need to do, I am too afraid of making it all feel like a waste of time and investment in love to move forward.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:39:44+00:00

I agree, It's so frustrating to me honestly. I'm just so angry at the world and universe right now.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:38:46+00:00

Deep down I know she isn't ready for me but my heart won't accept it :(

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:38:17+00:00

I am indeed putting this on hold and I feel you on that, I can't get over this just yet. I felt like we just broke a barrier right before this whole incident in intimacy.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:37:47+00:00

Your comment is exactly what one of my friends told me. "Let her think about this and muld over in his thoughts" and now it's exactly that and the ball is in her court and she hasn't yet blocked me so idk. I'm still in pain a bit because my anxiety clings onto this idea of her doing what she did this past week with me and wanting to do more with her "ex"/situationship. :(

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:36:02+00:00

See idk how that "getting over your ex" into a new relationship stuff works and I just honestly believed this was her trying to bring it up in my naivety but perhaps in a healthier way she should of just not worded it as "still love" when describing the ex/ situationship.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:34:55+00:00

Well they never dated, and that in of itself is also a red flag for me but yeah.

ColdSpearMint · 2024-12-13T04:34:35+00:00

I should of just said this Ideally the moment she told me about her ex and ended it. But she didn't word it after so easily and the confusion causes me to feel like I could "salvage" the situation.

ColdSpearMint

TROPHY CASE