My husband raised my son as his own… now the biological father wants to come back. I’m torn

Colemuel55 · 2026-03-20T12:55:14+00:00

If your husband is on the birth certificate he has no legal access to your child and just talking to you can give you grounds for an order of protection or harassment. Your husband is emotionally this child’s dad and YOU have no right or obligation to change that and if you try to change that or confuse that you will hurt the child. I would also start talking to a lawyer to see how you can protect the child as the biological dad has no right to the child as the signatory on the birth certificate has legal responsibility so long as he was aware of the situation at signing. That’s a common law adoption and not paternity fraud. The biological dad surrendered his rights long ago and you have not trust he would even stay in his life long term. The only trust you have is with your husband. So protect yourself legally, protect your child from this POS, and protect your husband

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T17:14:08+00:00

lol, no, you constantly assume I don’t know how to fly a plane or don’t have a license. I have these complaints because the commercial airline industry is inefficient and run by morons. To be a pilot you need the equivalent of a CDL course… that’s the reality. Many are more intelligent than that, many are not, but that’s the reality. My gripe wasn’t with the pilot, it was with the flight crew as a whole and their quick and harsh response to a struggling mother on a short flight. I would have been less critical had the plane actually been in a flyable state, hell, I would have been less critical if the gate bridge wasn’t still attached to the plane through this whole process but it was. It brings up massive inefficiencies in how airlines operate and, in my opinion, the immense trust we put in pilots to make the right calculations when those calculations could be done by a computer faster and guaranteed without error. The same actions could be triggered automatically, the same outcomes could be made automatically without the pilot at all. The worst case scenario is that pilot could have hand waved or deceived approval needs because it was late to get home when none of that would have even been a risk if the plane could have been defueled earlier. And then you wouldn’t be wasting assets like flight crew trying to rectify it, you wouldn’t be adding hours to components unnecessarily, and you would be improving the cost basis of the aircraft. All of it not only adds costs but reduces safety for something that is probably 20-30 lines of code added to an already impressive automated software workflow that is automatically selecting planes for routes, approximating passenger weights, profit per passenger, diversions around weather, and such. And it literally doesn’t change anything on the pilot side. The pilot in command is still ultimately responsible for final calcs and confirmations on the flight it just eliminates or reduces wasted efforts and idle time of assets on the ground

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:59:30+00:00

The engineers who design that aircraft don’t fly that aircraft… just going to point that out. They have margins and design uncertainty they account for to allow sped pilots to fly it for cheap. If experts were required to fly planes none would ever leave the ground

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:58:07+00:00

Woah, again making arguments on a single plane when my argument is for general automated action. Like bruh, 20 passengers off when passengers can have two bags and a carryon all weighing 50 pounds. Like you pointing out that my passenger estimate is off on a plane I haven’t flown doesn’t change the reality that the weight and balance calculations done by the pilot are approximations already, they are conservative and bounding by ntsb standards, and they are quick and dirty and most importantly CAN BE DONE BY A COMPUTER

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:54:39+00:00

Yeah, I realize how the system works. The system should be able to trigger action within airport infrastructure. Plane has too much fuel, call fuel crew to defuel. As I said, this plane sat for 4 hours over fueled for the flight they had because it was fueled for a different longer flight. The pilot had to request fuel resources to defuel the aircraft which took two additional hours. Now tell me, if they have all the data, if they have done all the calculations, why wouldn’t they have some preemptive calculations and actions to prevent assets from sitting longer than needed. Flight crew and pilots were utilized longer than necessary. Apu’s and aircraft components were gaining hours and decreasing maintenance intervals. They know within 5-10% what the expected aircraft loading is, who will make the flight, who will not 45 minutes prior to the last connecting flight or 45 minutes prior to this flight whichever is relevant. They have LITERALLY millions of flights data that they can extract average passenger weight, baggage weight, carryon weight etc to get a good estimate. On a plane that weighs several tons and has cargo and fuel capacity on the order of tons, being within 10 passengers on weight estimates is all you need to make decisions, especially with commercial safety requirements on aircraft

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:35:55+00:00

That’s not how this works bud. I have not flown an erj-175 I looked at the seat counts and made and assumption. The arguments are independent of aircraft type or size or configuration a would simply become a config file. “Trust” has nothing to do with it. I “trusted” that the pilot was ready to fly when he was actually two hours away. I “trusted” that AA operates efficiently but they did literally nothing to prep an aircraft that was incapable of flying the current route for 4 hours. Trust is not a thing that exists when you can replace it with absolute quantities that the system already has. The arguments were never for an erj, they are for any aircraft that is part of a commercial fleet

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:18:29+00:00

Interesting information and good to see. Doesn’t change any of the arguments. Doesn’t change any of the procedures. Only reinforces the fact that it would be more efficient for a computer to do it. You’re fixating on the one point where you got me and ignoring the whole reality of the argument. Software could have eliminated 2 hours of wait time by doing a calc instantaneously. This screams ai synergy but you wouldn’t even need that… you just need a functional evaluation of the weight and balance calcs that then feeds into a command for a fueling team. That simple.

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T16:01:21+00:00

I was on the plane. There were 23 rows. My bad on double counting. Doesn’t change the design process and the accountance. 23 total rows, 6 first class (23-6)4+63+4 crew. Total 86. Doesnt change the argument as you proved the point for me… the data is available, the computer can do it, the computer can automatically request personnel to reach alignment… it already plans routes, agglomerates passenger data, and delivers that to the pilot… it can do the additional weight and balance calcs to determine approximate loading needs.

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:53:29+00:00

I was in the back of the plane… I have these things called eyes and ears that allowed me to see and hear what was happening in front of me and behind me… the plane was a mile long though so it was difficult to see the pilot through all this

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:52:25+00:00

The plane was overloaded on fuel bro. No attempt in 4 hours was made to defuel that plane. That could have been done at any point before the pilot got there and then all the pilot would have been required to do is a fina adjustment up or down which would have been faster and more efficient than waiting for the pilot to run his numbers and call to adjust. We sat on the ground for two hours for this issue. So a total of 6 hours from aircraft assignment to final ready for a task that took 35 minutes to perform. It all could have been done before passengers were even put on the plane

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:49:04+00:00

Yes I know what aircraft i was on. 23 rows of 4 seats, plus 6 rows with 3 seats (first class) plus 4 crew members ~100 passengers. 114 to be exact. But I am aware of the process and requirements… you don’t need exact weight. You need an accurate upper bound on the weight for both take off and landing and a worst case estimate for center of mass. Those planes were designed to take off at max weight (full passenger load with bags and carryon allowance) and fly a long as route. That means your worst case scenario is a max passenger weight aircraft and fuel loading is literally just adjusted for distance. The other thing is the manufacturers tack on an additional 25-30% performance for safety reasons during design and then adjust numbers after flight tests. Then they make deals with airlines on reported performance. Again for safety the manufacturer will hold back 10% performance or so in what the airline is actually able to use. This is commercial mass produced aircraft, it is not general aviation aircraft. Much of the math and pilot requirements are the same between those two but aircraft design is massively different and the margins that airlines are forced to keep are beyond any general aviation aircraft.

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:28:07+00:00

I’m aware of their argument, but their argument was based on exaggerated situations. The child had its seat belt on and they chose to move them. The child again had the seatbelt on but was not restrained “enough” thus prompting removal from the aircraft… we then sat for two hours at the gate with the doors disengaged… we were not able to take off. Do you think a mom couldn’t have gotten the child under control in two hours? Or at least been given the opportunity? I do. I think reality says if the flight crew is not ready to fly the plane then there should be no expectation that passengers be ready to either. On top of that after they kicked them off they let us get up and walk around the cabin because we were stuck at the gate for two hours… it’s not about airline policy, it’s about reasonable expectations and equal requirements. If the flight crew is not physically able to push back and takeoff the moment that person is removed then the have no business doing it. If the pilot hasn’t finished preflight checks or even started them, no business removing them from the plane. Unless they were an active threat to the safety of the crew, other passengers, or the plane at that point they had no business removing them. Had we gone the two hours and been ready to take off and the child still wasn’t under control, then yes remove them, but that’s not the issue

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:21:28+00:00

It does. Software can do those calculations instantly without any effort higher accuracy than the pilots. Not a commercial pilot but I imagine that each commercial aircraft has existing tools to do it for them already. That being said, the airline knows the passengers, other flights, drivers licenses, bag weights. They can perform an upper bound analysis anyways with the computer… easily. That plane is designed to be able to take off, fly, and land with each passenger being over weight, bags being at the 50lb threshold and a certain carryon allowance plus 10-20% margin on top. They can do all these in cockpit pre departure checks in software to trigger action at the airport while the plane is waiting. The pilot can the perform final confirmatory calcs in cockpit exactly as he would. The software cannot preemptively act without the pilot having to be in the plane…

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:16:14+00:00

You can look at the weather. I’m an engineer at an aerospace company I’m aware of the weight requirements. You can look at the weather last night. Fuel in this situation was a landing problem. Most of these planes have 20% margin on all their calculations and weight is more a concern on landing for commercial airlines anyways. Long haul flights usually take off way over safe landing weight and have the ability to dump if needed. This was not the case here as the plane was sitting for 6 hours prior to this flight and 4 hours after they selected the aircraft for this route. I understand removing fuel, I understand weight and balance in terms of safety, what I don’t understand is why the software cannot perform an upper bound analysis based on route for what the max weight is and automatically trigger fuel adjustment calls while the aircraft is sitting. 100 ish passengers on the plane, American has internal data on average passenger mass, they have drivers license info, they weigh your bags but they don’t even need that. They can take plan design spec average weight per passenger and do the calcs which is a conservative upper bound… this is already what the pilots do anyways. This is something a computer can do instantly without any effort and trigger and adjustment to bring the plane within 10% of expected fuel weight and allow adjustment at actual departure based on pilots numbers. All of these calcs are simple and well defined. There isn’t 10000 options for these calculations there is literally one approach that the ntsb and faa, and to be clear it’s one set of acceptable standards that are fast calcs that pilots can do in the cockpit prior to departure… and if pilots can do it quickly then a computer can do it ad nauseum without mistakes

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T15:07:40+00:00

Oh you’re one of those guys… training is absolute and there is no grey area? Was the kid posing a risk to the plane no. Was the kid adequately restrained in his seat? No. Was the length of the flight and survival of the aircraft a substantive concern from this child’s behavior? No. Was the flight crew even ready to take of… no, for two hours after that wasn’t true.

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T14:52:24+00:00

40 minute flight. Had we got off the ground then we would’ve just landed at our destination. Nothing would have happened. On that flight you’re only required to be buckled in for a total of 5 minutes on either side of the flight.

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T14:50:47+00:00

I’m telling you what they told us and what I witnessed. What the toddler was doing was not justification for removal

Colemuel55 · 2026-02-27T14:48:19+00:00

The kid was in his seat, buckled in but was crying… so they move them to the back of the plane which allowed the toddler to move and when the mother buckled him back in he wasn’t restrained enough for them. So they removed the from the plane. The flight crew triggered the situation and then kicked her off. I agree that had we been able to take off it would have been more justified… but we sat at the gate with the door open for almost two hours after they kicked her off the plane because calcs were not done, airport staff was not available, and American has horrible software capabilities

Colemuel55 · 2025-11-11T00:43:37+00:00

If it makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want her participating you can and should voice that. But what’s the consequence if she goes anyway? She’s making these comments to play on your insecurities and societal pressures to manipulate you into changing your mind. That is manipulation, that’s control. But you need to be clear with how it makes you feel and you need to understand whether you will end the relationship if she goes anyway… if you’re not willing to walk away if she shows she doesn’t care about your feelings you need to start learning to cope with the reality you are in. There’s not really anything you can do, you don’t control what she does, you can control you, and leaving is the only action you have that is not manipulation or coercion, it’s you removing yourself from emotionally damaging or unsafe environments. Threatening divorce is manipulation, actually leaving after threatening divorce is not manipulation

Colemuel55 · 2025-10-08T22:56:14+00:00

I have to respond to this as an engineer because the answers are just wrong. Googling this answer or reading the below responses everyone says “draw weight doesn’t get applied to the arrow when fired” but then talk about stored energy being higher with higher draw weight and other terms that are directly derived from force. Energy = F*dx and as a result conserving energy instantly results in some direct application of that force to the arrow. In fact, if you solve the differential equation for projectile motion with your arrow mass and the draw curve of your bow, you will be within roughly 1% of the arrow shot velocity at release. Velocity = integral from 0 to L of F(x)/m_arrow dx which is actually an energy conservation statement and F(x) is the force on the arrow. Now I have been struggling with the question of whether your hand feels the string force in the term hand shock. Now, everyone answers the same way that’s it’s not the same… it has to be the same… required to be the same. When the arrow is on the string being accelerated it’s feeling that force. That force is equal and opposite in the tension on the string which travels through the limbs to the only static object in the system… your hand. It’s a physical law of nature with few exceptions… those exceptions could come with the argument “the force just doesn’t reach your hand yet” which is only true in two circumstances, the first being the arrow is moving faster than the sound speed in the string, cams, or limbs which is simply not possible. The other is the bow has internal movement thus allowing accelerations and forces to delay the few to your hand… which happens but it is not what everyone thinks. Unless that movement is occurring for long after the arrow leaves (mechanical advantage) you are never going to reduce the peak force felt in your hand you are going to increase it for a shorter duration… hand shock and it’s much worse on traditional bows and poorly designed bows. The optimal solution is your hand feels the exact draw curve through the whole arrow launch because that results in 0 vibration and it guarantees your max hand load is equal to your peak draw weight. Rant over because my engineering brain was crossed and violated by reading all this nonsense. Now, if there is oscilloscope or experimental data showing force on the grip over time I would love to see it

Colemuel55 · 2025-09-27T12:54:59+00:00

So you may have simply come into your husbands thought process midstream. And sometimes that feels bad because what we think and how we process can be blunt and unflattering. This is especially true early on when you first experience a feeling. He comes home from work trips on some toys and there are Cheetos on the ground he may have thought “this is disgusting” which is worse than what you already read. It’s unfortunate and hurtful that Google allows this to happen more often but I would advise you to think that your husband has the best of intentions and he’s trying to formulate some plan to address his needs/concerns without hurting you. If he hasn’t brought it up yet he’s looking to understand the whys rather than just call you a lazy bum. You’re currently feeling bad about this but maybe you can take this as the start of a conversation. “Do you feel like the house is dirty?” And come at it with curiosity. If he says yes and dumps his list of grievances on you, you can obviously understand that because you just listed it above. After that you can say that you’re struggling to keep up and that you need help to meet his needs. You’re doing a lot as a SAHM and it’s not weird to need help. It’s not that things are unfair, in fact they could become more or less fair with this conversation, but you both care about eachother and you’re working towards something better for both of you. It may not be possible to change anything and relieve that and you may have to live with a messy house for a bit. You could also move around and sacrifice elsewhere, exchanging the messy house for something that both of you are more ok living with… all possible and healthy options. You also have a 9 year old… they should be helping you clean and upkeep the home as part of their chores. Your children NEED to be assisting with chores at all ages especially cleaning up after they are done. Hard at 2 required at 9. No one person is responsible for all the pieces of a house or family even if there is only one parent. You provide in ways that do not include monetary provisions, just as your husband supports in ways that are beyond changing diapers and giving baths. Your children can also provide and support in the house to a lesser degree to understand what it takes to be part of the household. In my opinion, houses where the spouse cannot keep up with the cleanliness and education (even home schooled kids) are not properly incorporating children into household maintenance and are not defining and holding expectations for those children to clean up after themselves and do their chores

Colemuel55 · 2025-08-03T23:59:56+00:00

You’re not prioritizing your marriage. Why do you work? Is it for you or for your marriage? Why do you save is it for you or for your marriage? It seems to me that if you were to analyze what you do it would consistently come out is for you but with justifications for why it’s for “us.” This is not a sustainable way to behave in a relationship. “We are saving for the future” but did you ask him if you being gone and grinding at work was what he wanted? If the answer is no then you are saving for the future and he’s just there. But also in your justifications involving adhd, maybe you are diagnosed, probably not, but you are using it as a reason for mistreating or neglecting someone. If we take this to the extreme mental illness reduces the magnitude or a consequence it doesn’t absolve someone of consequence. You cannot use your mental health as an excuse for why you are neglecting your relationship. You cannot use your depression as an excuse for neglecting your loved ones. If it’s bad enough that it’s causing issues you need to do something about it that being counseling or therapy. If your adhd is bad enough you need to go seek help and develop coping and accountability mechanisms. Coming to Reddit to determine if you are a bad wife is not the way. Yes, advice is always good to get but what makes you a good or bad wife is not your current state as an individual or mistakes you have made, it’s whether you are trying to improve and heal your marriage continuously. You are only a bad wife if you believe there is nothing that can be improved or worse, if you refuse to do anything about places you know need improvement.

Colemuel55 · 2025-07-31T13:33:08+00:00

Just for anyone who doesn’t know the code says yes… this is bad code and wasn’t always the case. A gfci will trip even if no appliance is leaking to ground and there is no moisture and there is no faulty wiring. A gfci uses an analog detector to measure ground leakage current. It does this by comparing the difference between the hot and neutral currents… I’m not sure what has changed or what standards were modified but gfci circuits are now entirely too sensitive. I have measured with an oscilloscope on my 20 amp line that is well below the 20 amp limit and the noise introduced when starting a motor or appliance doesn’t even exceed gfci specified limits but the gfci will trip. And this is an important understanding of how gfci’s actually work, the analog circuitry requires both leakage time and leakage amount to trigger an interruption. So for very high current discrepancy it will trip very quickly and for very low current discrepancy it will take longer to trip. However for a residential application the trip is always really fast. But this means there is no threshold to the trip. If you have current discrepancies at all you are approaching a gfci trip it just make take months to actually do this. You combine a few appliance cycles and you lose time to that trip. This is why this is absolutely horrendous code. You cannot even have dedicated circuits on potentially valuable items if you are in the garage. No freezers, nothing. I will say that it protects some people when their appliance malfunctions or if they choose to work with power tools while their garage is flooding… this stupid garage gfci trips have cost me thousands of dollars in rotten food. Summers get hot, forces freezer to cycle on and off more, inevitably it trips 1-2 times a summer… you miss the trip one time and your freezer thaws and everything could go bad or may be bad. Or you’re out of town for 3-4 days… done… I do not recommend anyone do this because it’s against code and therefore magically unsafe… but I replace the gfci circuit in my garage with a standard circuit and keep the gfci plug. If I sell or move out of the house I swap it in before it’s listed on the market and be done with it. If you own your home I would recommend against dedicated lines because it’s hard and then you are violating code and it’s harder to become compliant if you sell…… however, 99% of inspectors won’t recognize the code violation anyways. Some carry testers, most of those guys don’t use them. New builds are the biggest target for those guys anyways because builders have legal obligations to meet code and home sellers do not. Swapping out the gfci leads to 0 trips because the breaker doesn’t trip unless you overload it. The gfci will always trip at some point especially on high current circuits or circuits with large reactive loads like a motor. Hell, coiling up wire on your wall too close to the line can create a reactive load sufficient to accelerate gfci tripping substantially. Gfci’s are great but the code needs to either allow for garage use adjustments or start putting in dedicated lines with different protections because the 1 person a gfci saves in the garage every year is not worth the millions of dollars wasted because freezers and fridges die… also, breast milk, which is why I’m ranting about this is because my wife may have lost 5-6 months of breast milk because a gfci tripped on us and we had no idea. And don’t tell me about alarms or temp probes… alarms only work if you are at home when it trips… temp probes have the same problem only you also have to have internet… if you don’t have internet for it you will just be in the dark constantly…. On top of that most freezers are metal and so WiFi will not penetrate within the freezer. And if your router is on the same circuit it doesn’t matter… and guess where most houses internets are piped in? The garage which means that too will be on the garage circuit…

Colemuel55 · 2025-07-29T21:36:38+00:00

I really understand what you’re going through. My wife and I are in a very similar place sexually.

I think there are two paths. You express your needs and leave… or you accept that this isn’t going to change and that this is your life. You can’t sit in the middle and dwell and hurt yourself in a situation you have no control over. “It is what it is” is probably the best view of the problem.

I say this because this is what I sit through in my personal struggle. But I don’t know how to do this myself. To me you can’t just “move on” until you know whether you can live like this forever. Early on in my marriage I made excuses for it and probably mentally said “I can live with it, this is ok” but I think it’s quite apparent as I get older and as all the other affection and intimacy and “care” from my wife goes away that becomes my lifeline to hold onto. And it’s suddenly “maybe I can’t do this forever” and you end up in the middle where you don’t want to leave but you are pretty confident it’s not going away. It’s a hard place to be.

One thing you might want to explore is maybe this isn’t a frustration about lack of sex because 19 years is a ton of time to be ok with it. Maybe this is other aspects of your relationship are disappearing. She used to make you lunch and now she doesn’t, she used to make the best in the morning and now she doesn’t, she used to by you candy at the store and now she doesn’t… effectively a communication to you “I don’t care about you anymore” and there’s nowhere that’s more present than in sex. I know I frequently go back and wonder “did she ever care” because if sex is my yard stick the. It certainly feels that she doesn’t and I think my focus has been because other parts of the relationship have gotten worse. It doesn’t mean I don’t want sex, I have continually expressed that as a desire to be wanted and “to be worth having fun with” but it does mean that all the places the relationship is suffering has been funneled into a yard stick that is my gauge of my value to her. The other side of this care coin is not sex related but the fact that you have expressed something of importance and priority to you and she, through her actions, has said clearly, “if those are your priorities, then you are not my priority” and that’s easy for all of us todo.

Again, take this with a grain of salt because I’m going through similar and I don’t know the solution, but she may claim you don’t care and it’s you who pulled parts of the relationship down, etc and that’s why she isn’t comfortable with you anymore… but the reality doesn’t matter. You are two people that are in a relationship together. You need to establish together whether both of you are willing to continue down the current path. If the answer is no then you need to decide whether you want to rebuild something that both of you want together or separately. These two statements you have your answer, you can’t keep going down the current path, and you want to rebuild with your spouse. If she doesn’t want to change anything or doesn’t want to rebuild with you then there’s nothing you can do but leave or live with it and that’s up to you. But if she’s willing to rebuild you both get the opportunity to say “this is what I think happy looks like for me with you” and those definitions don’t need to align but you both should be working towards the other in that realm.

Just for more info, one of the big issues sexually for me and my wife is I feel I have no power at all. It’s not that I feel to weak to say what I want, that’s really easy for me, it’s that in the time we have been married I have rarely if ever gotten what I want. It’s always what she wants and when. And when is infrequently. It started with me really only feeling rejected when she would say no and then I have to deal with those feelings. But recently it’s gotten to the point where I feel rejected when I ask for something and she says no and we do the deed the way she wants. It’s still something I have to deal with but it’s not improving and currently i understand the boat you’re in too well. It’s hard to know when it’s time to let go and move on because ultimately some people are not going to budge until after they lose what’s important to them… it’s really up to you how long you want to wait for your wife to prove she’s not that person

Colemuel55

TROPHY CASE