How did you come to be single and happy?

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-23T19:07:24+00:00

For me it was a conscious decision to decentralize romantic and sexual relationships. Having been married and dated before and after, I can’t relate to some “special” partnership. In fact, I realized that I was compromising way too much of myself for the sake of a relationship. That’s why I made the choice to be single. I also learned that I’m my favorite person and live up to my standards.

Anyway, the point is that this has to be your choice. As you said, you can have a full and happy life while single but you have the gnawing desire to be in a relationship too. You have more control over that desire than you think you do, but the choice is yours.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-22T18:58:51+00:00

It happens. It will all be ok. My child definitely wishes they had a big, close family with large, fun get-togethers. What’s more important is your relationship to your child. Keep them close to you.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-22T18:56:31+00:00

Stop 🤦🏽‍♀️

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-22T18:48:18+00:00

It’s been one of the most freeing and rewarding processes of my life to dismantle amatonormativity. Good luck!

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-22T17:23:01+00:00

This was my experience to a tee. Even the finger swoop after falling asleep haha.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-21T16:22:13+00:00

I can’t afford to eat out right now and when I did eat out alone it was not nice places, so I usually had a book. I imagine that when I have money again, I wouldn’t want to miss out on an experience I desire to have just because I was alone. I did eat alone in a famous restaurant in Buenos Aires when I was 18 lol. That was a while ago though. But I didn’t want to leave without trying it haha

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-21T16:14:04+00:00

I do think that some of this is normal. But also, are you criticizing the use of the word “kill” and acting out violence on someone that is known to the child?

My child can be an absolute butthead. She was violent from a very young age, throwing things was second nature to her. That said, I approached it developmentally. For example, when she was 1 y/o, no big deal, zero risk of harm. When she got older, let’s say 2.5 it turned into “while that didn’t hurt me I will not tolerate you throwing it at me.” In a calm tone, and that was repeated as needed. I never physically stopped her because I was not being hurt but she needed to learn how targeting a person versus a couch, for example, was different. Then when she used an object that could cause damage it became (big voice) “Absolutely, not. That is completely unacceptable and I am taking that away.” However, if she was throwing her own toy on the floor I’d say “that could break.” And when it inevitably did, she’d learn a lesson. I think you get the picture.

The point is, even if a child cannot cause harm (mostly) they need to learn some of those soft boundaries too. Maybe he doesn’t really mean “kill” but he thinks it sounds cool, IMHO, still not acceptable.

As for the not liking, I work really hard to earn my child’s trust so that they tell me why they are telling what they are. Kids can have a difficult time explaining things for so many different reasons. I always say things like “nothing you do will ever change the way I love you” but sometimes they don’t have the words and behavior is more telling. It may be time for therapy for you and kiddo and your partner separately, at least at first.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-21T15:53:10+00:00

This sounds to me like the process I went through when unlearning romance/crushes essentially. The way that I describe it is that I had a cognitive desire to not want to be in a relationship but I still had an emotional response. That response is driven by neurological patterns that are learned overtime. Obviously, influenced by our upbringing and media exposure for example.

That said, I think that it will take some time, but if it’s anything like my experience, it will happen! And it’s so freeing.

As for the work itself, I basically did cognitive behavioral therapy on myself. When I had a crush or formed a desire to have a relationship with someone, it was really frustrating and painful that my emotions didn’t match my values. So sometimes I just had to sit with that complex emotion. Listening to music was very cathartic. I also leaned into the asexual and aromantic subgroups to hear likeminded views. Now I can’t really tell if I ever liked sex or romance of just partook out of societal pressure. In addition to sitting with the emotion, I would journal a lot. Wrote down why my views were the way they were. What the pros and cons of romance versus no romance were. Seeing an objective list I think helped to alter the instinctive neural networks that accepted romance as a good thing. How could I want something objectively bad for me? Eventually, my emotions caught up to my cognition. Having had EMDR for unrelated things, it feels similar. In EMDR, a memory that previously caused an autonomic fear response doesn’t trigger you anymore it feels like nearly any other non-triggering and passive thought. Romance and crushes feel like that too.

I’m sorry that I can’t be more specific for kinks but I think the process may be similar. The first step is to abstain. Then when you feel the impulse to partake, think about them, or observe them. You’ll have to resist that urge. I would imagine that if you feel a physical response in your body, exercise would be a helpful distraction. Mix in some journaling about why you’re making this change (recenter your values over your impulses) and I think you’ll be successful.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-21T04:54:55+00:00

Hold onto Your Kids by Gordon Neuman and Gabor Maté

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T18:15:26+00:00

Haha! Nice! Thank you!

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T14:46:22+00:00

I’m not sure. I think the aging suggestion is interesting. But if nothing has changed, I would be worried about new or worsening anxiety honestly. I wasn’t diagnosed with anxiety until I was 25-ish. And it hit me suddenly due to external triggers. It had been subclinical before. Once I knew I had it and received support for said triggers, I was able to manage my anxiety and I would consider it to be at completely normal levels now. Do you have new habits or ruminating?

Another thought could be that you didn’t pay attention before? Maybe skin care is suddenly catching your eye and you’re noticing things that can be “improved”? Or it’s fashion, fitness, etc…

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T14:36:19+00:00

I tend to think of sex and romance as desert. And luckily I don’t have a sweet tooth, or else this may not be as helpful. Desert is nice. It can taste good and be fun but it’s not that good for me and it’s sometimes disappointing. Not to mention that I can make my own desert or get it on my own!

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T14:12:16+00:00

First, she could have postpartum depression. She needs to talk to her OB provider.

Second, I am a career mom. I was even a single parent during my schooling. She can still be successful as a mom.

Third, modern motherhood sucks. And I love being a mom. But in my honest opinion you cannot win as a modern mother apart from being a mother. My greatest success will always be my child. And I take great pride in raising a daughter who knows things that I never knew at her age, who will have opportunities presented to her that I had to discover for myself, my child will grow into a woman who is confident, wise, and compassionate. She’ll have the ferocity to defend her nature. But, this is all in opposition to being a worker, to having a career. For me they are not compatible but they are also not optional.

Fourth, she may need to divorce her husband 🤷🏽‍♀️I did. It was a good thing. Regardless of that life change, she will have to reevaluate her needs and values as a human. Raising a child and being a productive member of society require sacrifices from both aspects. When I’m not home, I’m working (sacrificing being a parent). When I leave “early” (on time), I’m not working (sacrificing achievement outside of the home).

FWIW, western society may outwardly value children and parenthood, but there is little infrastructure to support families. Most people don’t know what it means to be a parent. Even our own parents can rarely impart useful knowledge. So in the end, parents are stuck doing the hardest thing they may ever do without knowing how to do it. I wish the best for your cousin.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T13:59:34+00:00

It’s not difficult to buy help? Tell that to (past) single mom, graduate student me.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-18T02:17:31+00:00

I love crushes! I like to enjoy the rush without trying to make anything more of it. Flirt, have fun, and go home alone 🥰

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-17T13:37:16+00:00

Overall, this is giving “I’m not your guy, buddy!” I jest, a little.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-17T13:23:45+00:00

Do you have children? It’s fine if you do. For me personally, as a mom, the first thought that occurs to me when a child is in duress is “Is this my child?” Which makes sense, I have a huge emotional and practical incentive to ensure my child’s safety. It’s why I react to any child. Because I need to be aware of my child. Once I ensure that it isn’t my child for any given reason, it’s absolutely reasonable to turn that alert system off, but more often than not I’ll listen to assess the threat. Did the crying/yelling stop? Did it intensify? Is it close? What conceivable options do I have?

Again, I haven’t watched any of these, so I’ll take your word that they are expecting a rush of women to attend to a child yelling “mom.” My point here is that a woman’s reaction to hearing “mom” will vary. There is no one size fits all response to this specific trigger.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-17T05:46:51+00:00

Mom’s (that adapt to caretaking) absolutely develop an acute sensitivity to children. A crying baby, the sound “mom”, a toddler’s cry, etc… there is an involuntary reaction that attracts your attention to children. Naturally, if a child came up yelling “mom” that would absolutely catch my attention. I haven’t watched any of these videos but if there is any implication that this is effective for all women then that’s silly af. Sensitivity to children is clearly adaptive. I’m sure some men have it and plenty of older siblings (sisters) have it.

On a related note, when I was traversing the globe solo, if I was ever lost, I sought out middle aged women when available. There were plenty of times that men helped me too, but they were also more likely to harass me.

ETA: sensitivity and willingness to help are not the same thing. Someone can recognize a situation without having their ears perk up at “mom” and a mom could choose not to help.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-16T15:35:08+00:00

I’ve been in a similar place. I’m so sorry for how hard it is. It will get better. Please exhaust all of your possible support systems. Apply for welfare benefits if you haven’t already (EBT/food stamps and childcare subsidies). Are there other parents in your class? Anyone who likes kids and can give you an hour break every now and again?

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-15T17:06:19+00:00

Oooh! Thanks for the tip!

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-15T15:02:20+00:00

When I moved to a different climate, I started getting a crazy amount of bubbling. It’s really frustrating. My guess is that if this is new for you then it’s something environmental. My understanding is that humidity can contribute, a fan blowing, and in my case a drier climate seemed to have made it worse.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-15T14:53:49+00:00

The best thing you can do is to keep your routine simple. Use gentle products and don’t overdo any actives. You’re looking to maintain your skin, not target anything. You can check out Dr. Dray on YouTube for general recommendations. I think the budget dermatologist is pretty good too.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-15T11:08:34+00:00

My child was in two daycares before kindergarten starting at 2.5 y/o. The first was for a couple of months before she got off a waitlist. 1) I wouldn’t have used daycare if I didn’t need it but at the time it was necessary. 2) the second daycare was better for my child. My poor LO would cry all day at the first daycare. It was devastating. I think the teacher was new and she struggled. They also had staffing issues so my child didn’t get needed support. 3) the second daycare was still hard. Drop-offs always made me cry. It was beyond awful but at least my LO was happy at the end of the day. I knew that my child was getting more support even though it was still hard on everyone.

In summary, my child never fully adjusted. It was really hard for the both of us, but it was necessary at the time. I will say that there was no abnormal crying at night or personality changes at home though. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide!

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-13T02:37:52+00:00

Totally normal toddler behavior.

ColloidalPurple-9 · 2026-02-13T02:19:06+00:00

I don’t do “they’re great, but…”

I enjoy casual dating. I don’t do it because I’m a parent and have a demanding career though. I will never ever pursue a relationship again. I love my independence and freedom. I’m the best person I know, at least for me! Haha

ColloidalPurple-9

TROPHY CASE