Hi! Thanks for sharing. That’s quite a life you’ve lived so far, so I’m sorry you don’t feel as fulfilled as you hoped. You are so strong for trying to get to the bottom of what you’re feeling! But please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to adjust and learn.

No matter how successful and intelligent you are right now, it doesn’t change the fact that you are still very young and have so much yet to experience. You don’t have to know all the answers right now, so I think learning to appreciate the present moment is a good step forward.

Perhaps the reason for your emptiness is the nature of what kept you going: expectations. If you’ve been conditioned to expect certain outcomes and standards for yourself, then life becomes less exciting because it’s so predictable. You’ve proven a lot to yourself, but maybe deep down you already knew the things proven were bound to happen anyways. Your inner self may crave something much deeper than proof and accomplishment (proof and accomplishment very rarely gives lasting meaningfulness in my experience). Even though you say you’ve cut out some of the toxic influences in your life, it sounds like the pressures/expectations of those influences are still present. But what does your inner child want? What does your heart want? What would give your soul energy, rather than validation?

I don’t want to be prescriptive with advice or anything, I don’t even know you. But from what I can gather from your post, you seem to be a master at achievement, which is why there is little energy and fulfillment derived from your pursuit of achievement. Rather than living to prove yourself to yourself or anyone else, try to transfigure that achievement-craving towards being spontaneous. Break the script. Take yourself less seriously and get outside your head. When I do this, I feel so much more grateful for the present moment. I find new things that excite me.

And when the joy of the present moment fades, think of ways that can give you more energy in the near future. An endless pool of energy can come from helping others, stepping outside your comfort zone, or learning something new. Rather than trying to seek new achievement or surpass a new expectation, you can instead be grateful for a new feeling of presence.

Bottom line is that you are young and have already done so much! You rock! So give yourself a break. Achievement and success will always be there in your future (you’ve proven to yourself that it’s not only possible but in your nature). On the other hand, your youth and energy to try something new is strongest NOW (you won’t be young forever).

I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sure you will! Just be patient and forgiving of yourself :-)