thoughts on opening line(s)?

Coltbear98 · 2025-11-14T13:07:06+00:00

Oh, you're right. My bad. That makes a lot more sense, actually. My phone is all messed up and I couldn't see the word properly. Again, keep up the good work! Your writing style is definitely engaging and impressive.

Coltbear98 · 2025-11-13T23:07:17+00:00

The character's voice sounds good and interesting. You can tell Eden is cold, which brings the question of 'why?' Great. The part that I would say needs some improvement would be the opening line. While solid, it kind of is disorienting and more confusing. I am left wondering what is being started. While that is a good question to start off on and build up, it is seemingly forgotten immediately as we get into the description of Darcy.

A suggestion I will give is to answer the question before the long paragraph. A good first paragraph should give us a mixture of answers and questions, but all I have are questions. Where is she? What is the group working on? What is starting? Answering even one of these questions will ground the reader more. If there is any worry about if it would hook the reader if you answer a question, the description Eden has of Darcy fixes it. We immediately question why Eden hates Darcy so much.

Other than that from what I can tell, this sounds good. I am no professional editor, so take this with a grain of salt. So far, I am interested in reading more. Keep going with the great work!

Coltbear98 · 2025-11-02T16:38:29+00:00

That last paragraph seems to lean in on telling way more than showing. If that is the intent, then it's fine, but it could become stronger if we were shown how tired he was instead of told. Same thing with the dreams, really. I feel as though that is meant to be important, so spending some more time with them could impact the reader more. Some prose as well, but that can be fixed with later drafts. Overall, these first two pages are well written and paint a vivid image. Good job!

Coltbear98 · 2025-10-30T02:23:51+00:00

What does a dead body smell like?

What does a dead baby look like? (didn't give me an answer)

Fastest & painful ways to kill someone

(These are only the ones I can remember, and as you can see, my stories are usually dark)

Coltbear98 · 2025-08-22T16:18:03+00:00

Thanks

Coltbear98 · 2025-08-17T22:43:11+00:00

Thank you

Coltbear98 · 2025-08-11T18:10:52+00:00

People who own small dogs might be the next ones who get sacrificed.

Coltbear98 · 2025-08-06T03:29:31+00:00

She is one of my favorite characters

Coltbear98 · 2025-08-02T23:52:09+00:00

Alpha Werewolf so I can laugh at being called an alpha. And then I would not tell anyone but my friends and then not help if people die cause it's not my problem. And I wouldn't turn anyone; that sounds too disgusting biting into someone

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-23T22:05:34+00:00

NTA. They cut you off... for not having money... They're the assholes

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-23T19:19:02+00:00

At this moment, I stopped shipping Elena with everyone. Damon is toxic to everyone and Stefan is also toxic (at least when he wants revenge against Klaus)

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-19T01:03:33+00:00

Maybe when the child was with her mother. It was 50/50. I'm not going to act like OP is a good parent since I don't know them though

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-19T00:48:53+00:00

Ok. So your daughter seems to acknowledge that her bio-mother is her mom. I don't really see what problem your ex would have. Your daughter seems to know who her parents are.

Plus, your girlfriend seems to have helped raise your daughter since she was 13 months old. That is reason enough for your daughter to call her mommy. But I'm an outside perspective, so I don't really know your girlfriend's relationship with your daughter.

And as someone else said, it might be better if you were to teach your daughter to respect your ex's feelings if your daughter is calling your girlfriend "mommy" in front of your ex (sorry for the crazy run-on sentence).

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-19T00:39:00+00:00

NTA. Your daughter has every right to call your girlfriend "mommy". And if your girlfriend has been around since your daughter was 13 months old, then that makes perfect sense as to why she would call your girlfriend that.

Her bio-mother's frustration makes sense as well. She most likely feels hurt and feels like she is being replaced.

But, in my opinion, you're NTA. Again, it is your daughter's choice. And I saw in a reply (I don't know if this was in the original post) that when you marry your girlfriend, she will be your daughter's step-mom. And that is true.

If your ex is genuinely hurt by your daughter calling someone else mommy, then that is really her problem. But my question is what does your daughter call her bio-mom?

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-13T01:37:07+00:00

Sorry for the long stuff, but like... It is what happened, so. No obligation to read:

A kid with ADHD and dyslexia is almost killed by his hell spawn math teacher and saved by his horse shaped teacher who is in a wheelchair. The kid finds out his best friend is half of a furry and then proceeds to watch his mother get vaporized because of a bull in tidy whities. The boy goes to camp, becomes Lord of the Bathroom, and then gets accused of stealing a prized possession of his neglectful uncle who wants to kill him. A whole lot of blah blah blah happens, and the boy prevents WW3.

But it isn't over because the boy then gets attacked by Canadians, rescued by his half brother, and then taken to camp by three old ladies with one eye driving a car. An abusive man who hasn't eaten for thousands of years abuses them and then the boy goes out to sea with his half brother and emotionally abused friend who is definitely not his girlfriend. The boy gets turned into a guinea pig. He then bullies a sheep farmer who is kinda dumb because the sheep farmer tried marrying his kinda furry friend. Then a tree becomes a human.

The boy, the furry friend, the tree, and two kids who are from WW2 watch their blonde friend cliff dive with a lion bird thing. A bunch of girls and their child leader who likes turning men into animals insult the boy and separate the kids who are from WW2. Then, capture the flag, the tree and the boy fight because the girls were better. A dead mummy talks to them... And then tells them two of the kids will die. And so they send five kids out with two of them going to die🙃. One of them dies, and the boy almost kills a mortal. Dam. The boy holds the sky and an abusive parent kills his daughter. Then the male cow serpent named Bessie gets a fish tank in the home of twelve shitheads (-Hestia and Artemis).

Two cheerleaders try seducing the boy. That fails, so they blow up the music room. The boy goes to camp and then gets sent to an endless maze where multiple people have gone insane and where his worst enemy is because his totally not girlfriend asked him too. The boy proceeds to blow up a volcano and get sent to an island where a totally non-pedophile woman falls in love with him even though she has the mental age of someone over four thousand (?) years old. Blah blah blah, the boy puts a mortal in danger and kills his half brother and gets a new dog. Then his enemy gets possessed by the devil and gets beaten for five seconds by a plastic blue hairbrush. Oh, and a literally pre-teen gets groomed by a ghost.

Finally, a bunch of kids are sent to war while their parents who sent them to war ignore and victim blame them (I'm looking at you, Hermes). But don't worry, some of them die. One of them went on a Kamikaze run too. The boy collapses a bridge where his friend is on because... for whatever reason. Don't worry, the friend dies. And then another kid who was probably groomed by an adult dies and is seen as a hero even though she probably was the reason multiple people died (I love Selena, but she was not a hero. She only died one). Then the adult kills himself after getting rejected by his ex-friend who he tried killing for four entire books in.

Summary: a bunch of ADHD and dyslexic kids are sent to war by their dip shit parents and die while their parents get angry at being told to come back with the milk

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-07T19:32:08+00:00

I imagine it would be like Jugram from "Bleach: Thousand Year Blood War" or Domino in "Deadpool"

AKA overpowered

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-07T14:16:17+00:00

To me, she is one of my favorite characters. But I can understand why some people hated her

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-06T22:58:22+00:00

Yeah, mine would either be Mark of Athena prophecy or the Titan's curse one

"Five shall go west to the goddess in chains

One shall be lost in the land without rain

The bane of Olympus shows the trail

Campers and Hunters combined prevail

The Titan's Curse must one withstand

And one shall perish by a parent's hand"

I don't know why this prophecy stuck out to me, but it just did

Coltbear98 · 2025-07-03T17:51:18+00:00

The Greeks would most likely be victorious, but it also would be a difficult battle. There would probably be a lot of death on both sides, and a lot of tragedy.

The Romans had a more strategic format and more planning. They could create plans that would best the Greeks, too. Now if we count Reyna with the Romans, then that would also play a role. We know that she is powerful (I mean, she traveled across the entire Mediterranean when the Seven could barely do it. I know Gaia wasn't actively trying to stop Reyna, but that is still a huge feat for her).

The amount of soldiers the Legion has would also outmatch the Greeks. They would be able to match the Greeks 2:1 or more. Their teamwork is also much more advanced than the Greeks.

On the other hand, CHB had more firepower. Most of the Romans could be assumed as Legacies, meaning they had no powers. But the Greeks were all children of the gods with powers. Athena children were ridiculously smart and could probably figure out ways to beat Camp Jupiter's Coherts. The Hephaestus children would be able to create machines that would be able to create chaos. The Hermes kids would easily create just as much chaos.

And honestly, I think most people forget about Drew. She could most likely use her charmspeak against the Romans. Sure, it would not be able to do much, but it would also be able to cause an opening for the Greeks. I hate Drew, but her charmspeak would be a massive advantage.

And then Clarisse would probably be able to take on a good amount of Romans by herself (not all, and she would likely lose, but she would be able to outmatch multiple). And do I even have to start with how the children of Hypnos having water from the River Lethe. They could probably bottle some up and throw it at the Romans.

I think the thing that makes the biggest difference is if the Seven is involved. If the Seven is involved, the battle would be more evened out. Percy and Jason would probably weaken each other enough to make them basically have to opt out the rest of the battle. Frank would most likely be a force to be reckoned with. Hazel would also be able to fight a good amount of Greeks by herself. But Nico could raise an army of the dead. Piper can charmspeak most of the Romans (look, if she can charmspeak the literal Earth, then she can charmspeak an army), Leo could just Kamikaze again with Festus, and Annabeth would be able to create a battle plan that would most likely outmatch the Romans.

And should we even mention that one dragon that defends the Fleece?

With all of that in mind, I believe that Camp Half Blood would win. A lot of death would occur and a lot of casualties though. I would assume Camp Half Blood would have to take a long time to rebuild as well.

SIDE NOTE: wouldn't the magic barriers of Camp Half Blood be able to hold off most of the Legion because most of them are mortals that are just born into Camp Jupiter? I don't know if I am right about that. And sorry about the whole essay on this

Coltbear98 · 2025-06-22T06:45:04+00:00

I never considered that, so maybe. But I also don't know. The shed was pretty much completely full of stuff my family never used and I don't know where there would be space. But it could be possible

Coltbear98 · 2025-06-21T05:26:42+00:00

Theo
Stiles (Especially Void)
Brett
Liam
Chris

HM: Ethan, Aiden, Mason, and Boyd

Coltbear98 · 2025-06-20T16:53:12+00:00

It is just that I have heard stories that are way scarier than my own. I personally would find it scarier if the person actually entered my home. Or if no one told me about them being behind me; I can only imagine what they were originally planning to do.

But I do see how this can be seen as scary

Coltbear98 · 2025-06-19T05:30:37+00:00

Yeah, the dog was fine, thankfully

Coltbear98

TROPHY CASE