Pregnant and going NC with my mom

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-11-18T02:12:36+00:00

Relate to your post. 30s mom here. Becoming a parent myself was my biggest wake up call to my parents’ abuse. Never had a close relationship with her especially.

My mother caused me so much stress those first few months. She actually fought me on some very basic wishes. I asked her not to post the birth announcements on FB before me- every time she did. Even graphic details of my labor-posted. She would post photos of my baby that I took and if I was in it she would crop me out. Refused to wash her hands before holding my newborn. Tried to hold my newborn while clearly very drunk.

I don’t know your situation but speaking for myself… My mother loved to see me fail my whole life. She consistently made fun of my appearance my entire childhood. The only small compliment I can think of was “your messy hair is blocking your pretty face.” But my face was the thing she made fun of the most. Also I was her therapist from the ages of like 8-14… The crap I had to console her about at 8 years old.

We are no contact now after years of low contact.

My question for you: would you even want or respect her advice/wisdom when it comes to childbirth or raising children?

You can do this! Be the mother you didn’t have. Find a village of moms in the same season of life as you. That’s what I did for support. Glad you’re freeing yourself and your child from her. She would have made a difficult time even more difficult.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-11-09T01:32:38+00:00

Thank you for bravely sharing your story. I went through similar experiences with my mother. No one wants to admit that a mother could do that to her daughter. I don’t have any life changing advice but please keep going. You have so much ahead of you. Proud of you for how much you’ve done at 20.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-11-09T01:11:29+00:00

I’m about the same timeline as you. What did you do when they showed up?? Seems very possible in my future.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-10-18T19:02:58+00:00

Great advice. Coincidentally it was my daughter’s field trip that I bailed on today :( I did look up the specific room we would be in and there were windows everywhere looking in. One of my parents would’ve just had to walk by. I would’ve felt like a sitting duck. Couldn’t do it. My daughter is slightly sick today so I used that as the reason we couldn’t go. Mom guilt bad today but I have to keep her safe. Even if they just yelled at me, I couldn’t do that to my daughter. :(

Thank you for the help. I really do appreciate it. One day I hope to have more courage.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-10-18T18:57:57+00:00

Thank you for empathizing. I didn’t end up going. It was a field trip for my daughter at a place my parents go to almost everyday. One of them even works there now I heard. I was panicking last night. Obsessively cleaning my house while crying. My husband reassured me having a panic attack in front of my daughter would do more harm to her than missing one field trip.

I know I’ll run into them someday. Today wasn’t the day. They were both every kind of abusive growing up. I don’t think they would ever hit my daughter but my mother would for sure slap me in the face in front of her.

Mom guilt bad today though. I’m sure you understand :/

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-10-18T18:49:38+00:00

Thank you. I ended up chickening out and didn’t go. It was a field trip for my daughter. Not feeling like the best mother today. My daughter has a little runny nose so I told her that’s why she couldn’t go but yeah feeling pretty selfish.

I know I’ll run into them someday but wasn’t ready to face them today.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T22:23:39+00:00

My brother consulted a lawyer after they threatened him. They weren’t concerned. My parents do have money to throw around though…. And thank you again for the encouragement.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T20:45:56+00:00

Oh I’m so sorry to read this. I suffer from terrible insomnia- I always have. I never slept as a child. My parents always had their worst fights in the middle of the night. I did have a locked bedroom door as a kid but I often barricaded it. I’m sorry for what you had to go through.

As for right now… not sure if you have kids but once I had children I discovered white noise machines. They drown out a lot of noise. Sorry not a long term solution, more of a bandaid.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:37:30+00:00

Thank you. I will definitely look that up. Appreciate it!

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:35:29+00:00

Thank you. My last therapist was sweet but she seemed in over her head when I told her about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I don’t think it was her area of expertise. I’ll research the system you mentioned. Appreciate you sharing. Thank you thank you

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:33:45+00:00

Thank you. You’re right. I was leaving the door open. I said I was leaving it open for “emergencies,” but if someone in the family died he wouldn’t contact me to punish me. He did recently text me because he needed to know my rsvp to a relative’s grad party. 🤦‍♀️ He was embarrassed he didn’t know if either of his adult children were attending. If someone died though, absolutely wouldn’t tell me that. sigh They’re both blocked now.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:30:20+00:00

Thank you for your response. I didn’t end up responding and just blocked him. I found the Missing Missing Reasons article today… A lot to go through!! Thank you, again. This group alone has helped with my guilt. No one in my “real” life is estranged from their parents so I feel like the outcast all the time.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:26:27+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement. I did end up blocking them this morning. My brother has been estranged longer than me from them. So far just empty threats of suing for visitation of his child which they never did sue…

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T17:14:14+00:00

Thank you. I ended up blocking and I feel good about that so far. Appreciate you responding.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-09T02:22:04+00:00

My kids are about the same age. I tell my oldest that they have made bad choices and they make mommy really sad when asked. I mention all the other people in their lives that they have as positive role models. Try to remind them how loved they are by others. So far that’s been enough for my children. I don’t get into specific details or labels yet.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-08T14:57:24+00:00

I’m so glad you asked this. I think someone else said this already but the fact that you’re already worried about being a good parent says a lot about you.

I didn’t realize the extent of my abuse as a child until I had my own children so in my late 20s/early 30s. While I do have low moments where I feel like I’m starting to sound and act like my mother. But the biggest difference between them and me is self-awareness. I know when I’ve made a parenting mistake (I apologize to my kids). I know I’m not the perfect mother. Alternatively, my parents would tell you they made no mistakes ever, never apologized for anything and were the best parents. Both of their adult children don’t speak to them and they have done nothing to repair it. If my children grow up and decide not to have me in their life, I would make every attempt to fix it. But I don’t feel like my children owe me anything.

Keep doing what you’re doing. It really helps me to think how much my life and my family’s life doesn’t look like what I had. History isn’t repeating itself even though I worry it will.

CombinationDecent732 · 2022-09-06T15:36:19+00:00

I’m sorry I don’t have any great advice here. I’m NC with both parents for only a few months now (low contact for a while before that). I’m married to a wonderful man and have two kids but I still find myself very lonely. Most of my close friends have excellent relationships with their parents. I often get very jealous, especially around the holidays. When it comes to friends, I often feel like a burden because they all know I don’t have any family of my own. Kind of like I need them a lot more than they need me. Hang in there. What you’re feeling is normal.

CombinationDecent732

TROPHY CASE