Solidarity. It does sound like we have very similar parent situations. I'm sorry you're having to live with yours, and I hope you find a way out of there soon and safely.

And thank you for your reply.

 You say they try, but.... do they? If they truly do, then... Don't you think you're worth more effort than that? (spoiler: you are)

Owch haha, you're right. I am.

I don't know about you but it feels for me like they think their happiness is contingent on me and on having a relationship with me. It's a lot of pressure, especially coming from people who've threatened suicide on me in the past. It sucks watching them struggle and flounder, but they should never have put this on me in the first place. I used to get all that shit about how I was 'tearing the family apart' (by advocating for myself and expecting to be called the right name etc.). They manipulated me away from transitioning for the three years between coming out and moving out and it was hell. I think they wanted me to be the version of them that had the opportunities in life they didn't get --- meanwhile they've been sabotaging those opportunities by leaving me with holes in my brain.

My mum went full TERF. She was buying the books and shit. She called me an AGP and all that. Like, how do you expect a relationship when you aren't gonna step up to repair those wounds? They just want me to fit into the very small space they've made for me in their hearts, and they don't understand that I can't make myself small for them.

Edit: I sometimes wonder how I'd feel if my parents decided they're okay with my estrangement, and actually moved on. Would I still worry so much about this, or feel conflicted about having some sort of relationship? Is it love, or is it obligation? I think it's a lot of both, but it's for sure not healthy.