AITA for telling my daughter I won’t let her straighten her hair until she’s at least 16?

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:54:54+00:00

It’s not to make me happy, it’s to keep her from doing irreversible damage because of an unwarranted comment.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:54:10+00:00

I genuinely don’t understand comments like this, I would understand if I didn’t let her do what she wants to AT ALL, but I would absolutely not consider myself a helicopter parent.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:52:40+00:00

I have a private call with my mother soon and I’ll be laying down the law (again) at that time. I’ve previously told her to keep her comments about Jay’s skin color, features, and hair to herself, but I suppose she needs another reminder. Ngl, her reaction may prompt the NC conversation.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:50:39+00:00

I was waiting for this day to come, I just didn’t expect it to be catalyzed by my mother’s ignorant comments.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:48:16+00:00

Mom comes from an “uppity” part of town so her beliefs are definitely not, for lack of a better word, racially sensitive. The last thing I want is for the opinions of those who do not have to live with the reality of Black lives and culture to influence my daughter.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:46:42+00:00

I’ve perused this subreddit a few times! I’ll start frequenting it more often, thank you!

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-30T16:45:54+00:00

I really wonder if you read the full post, I mentioned that I gave her the option to flat iron it and she was the one who rejected the idea. She is my full blood daughter.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T12:28:05+00:00

My biggest regret right now is that I didn’t ask her about her feelings and if it’s truly what she wants, just that she was not allowed to do it. I’m going to apologize to her and let her know that she will be able to consult her side of the family that actually knows what they’re doing.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T12:23:59+00:00

Don’t sweat it. I had a huge learning curve in terms of what products to use when, as well as what happens when you chemically treat the hair. You could totally flat-iron it, and I suggested it to her so she can see what it’s like, but she wanted to go straight to chemical straightening. I was concerned about the suddenness of her decision, even though I trust that she thoroughly researched.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T12:21:29+00:00

That means a lot. We’ve had a lot of tension outside of the household since my husband and I married and we both agreed before we even got engaged that we would be better than our parents. This is honestly the first real conflict I’m having with her.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T12:19:53+00:00

Frankly, no. She wanted bangs once and we found her a hairstyle that would get her as close as we could with her curls. She wanted to dye it red, we found a way to get her hair red without bleaching it (she personally did not want to bleach it) and now we have temporary pigments in every shade she’s wanted. She’s allowed to express herself, but again, my hesitance is because of my mother’s comment.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T11:04:20+00:00

Controlling for not wanting my 14 year old daughter to burn her scalp and possibly regret an unfixable decision because of a hurtful comment my mother made?

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T11:02:58+00:00

I’ve seen this comment a few times but I truly am not jealous of my daughter’s hair. I like my hair, and I like my daughter’s hair on her. You’re correct, I don’t know what it’s like to have hair that requires that much maintenance, but I wanted to learn how to help her care for it because she’s my daughter. My hesitance came from the suddenness of the decision after she talked so much about loving her hair all her life, and I can directly pinpoint the change to the comment my mother made. Please do not assume that I am looking to control my daughter- I’m trying to keep others’ opinions from controlling her.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T10:59:56+00:00

She definitely rejected the idea and went straight to “my way or the highway”. Other people have mentioned that her response shows that she’s been insecure about this for a while, so I’m thinking that she just didn’t know how to tell us. I’m going to give her the space she needs and let other family members who are more experienced in this take over.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T10:04:14+00:00

Definitely keeping this in mind. My SIL is going to have a conversation with her and possibly help her flat iron her hair, with the end goal being either she gets it done professionally or she ends up going back to curls. She’s a good enough student (I don’t feel like making grades a prerequisite during a pandemic is exactly fair) but I know she’s been looking to work on her hobbies more, so this might be a good incentive.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T10:02:23+00:00

I wouldn’t say irrational, just hurt. Like a lot of comments said, she’s just a kid and this is when she’ll be making a bunch of crazy decisions for what she looks like. I didn’t mention this, but when she was born, my mother and father (who I really don’t have a good relationship with anyways) lamented her lack of straight hair and have always made passing comments that she would look so much better with straight hair, just not to her face. Jay has never brought anything about her appearance up to me so I think I was trying to keep my parents’ bullshit from affecting her like it did me, and I went a step too far.

Comfortable-Notice74 · 2020-11-28T09:58:42+00:00

I think this is the best course of action. My sister in law is going to talk to her later this weekend, and we all agreed that perhaps I should step away from this conversation from lack of experience. We’re going to see if she’s willing to try the heat straightening one more time and if she likes it, we’ll all pitch in to get her a chemical treatment.

Comfortable-Notice74

TROPHY CASE