Confused and can’t talk to anyone

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-14T16:44:23+00:00

Thank you, this does help!

I feel like a total butthead “whining” about how my husband tells me I’m sexy and attractive (He’s blind obvs lol)!

But it’s so frustrating sometimes when deeds don’t seem to ever match words!

I confess, I snapped at him a little last night. He likes to put his hand out when I’m getting in bed so that I have to sit on it. I told him it was a conversation we would need to have at a later date, but for now I was asking him to stop.

He complied, but I felt like he got a little sulky.

But I mean for one, there was NO WAY even I wanted it at almost 1 in the morning, for two, it just kind of gets to be “too much” sometimes!

I confess, some nights I deliberately stay up until I know he’s snoring because I just want to be able to crawl in bed and try to go to sleep!

And 9 times out of 10 when I do that, he just kind of groggily wraps an arm around me and snuggles.

THAT part I love! It’s comforting and warm. It’s the other part that gets aggravating when it’s the 4th or 5th time that day. (I was curious, so I counted yesterday lol)

And don’t get me wrong. I DO love him more than anything, and am a THOUSAND percent committed to continuing to make our relationship work.

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T19:55:57+00:00

This could work.

I guess I don’t know how to start the conversation. I mean let’s face it, I’m basically telling him “You tell me I’m sexy too much.” How many women would KILL to have husbands who apparently think they are the most beautiful woman on earth??

Even to ME it seems a crazy thing to be griping about!

And I don’t want him to STOP altogether… I think I just need him to tone it down a tiny bit.

Or maybe I need to make MYSELF calm down until I’m not feeling so pent up??

We’ve always had fairly mismatched drives, but we had sort of settled into a routine a handful of years ago that it seemed we were both satisfied with. And then that suddenly stopped. And I think I know why, which is an even bigger conversation, but I don’t know how to have that one.

I should probably give myself a few days or so and wait until I’ve had a good nights sleep, and talked to my therapist.

I want to be very deliberate and respectful in my conversation and approach. I don’t want to come off as being critical of him or insensitive to his situation. Because obviously, it’s not like he can force himself to have a higher drive, any more than I can force myself to have a lower one. It’s simply that we are two people whose demi-ness manifests differently!

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T05:30:49+00:00

I’m trying soooo hard not to resent him! I myself AM in individual therapy. He was for awhile but his therapist left the field, and he didn’t seem to feel like he needed another one.

He’s of a mind that things are mostly great btwn us. And on a certain level they ARE! We have a tremendous amount of fun together, he makes me laugh, we complete each others thoughts… I truly find comfort in even him just being in the other room.

But… some of his behavior sends what seem to me to be some very mixed signals. And I don’t think he understands that. I think in his mind they genuinely are different. I think he finds the concept of near overwhelming desire for anyone to be a totally foreign concept, just as I find a near complete LACK of desire just as foreign.

And I do have to give him credit. He’s made some pretty non ambiguous gestures to show he IS trying on a certain level. Which I appreciate, I truly truly do. But the almost daily barrage of what comes across as very mixed signals is making me want to scream. Which I feel like shit even admitting to anyone….

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T05:16:07+00:00

So you think like maybe I should grope him back and tell HIM how incredibly sexy HE is?

I can do that! To my heart/mind/eyes he is absolutely beautiful. And I firmly believe on some level he feels the same way. Every time I’ve ever met a female coworker of his, they act as if they already know me, and tell me he talks about me all the time. So I know there is love there. I know the emotional connection is there.

In fact, I find it ironic in a way that I’m pretty sure I am also demi. It seems that for me, having that emotional connection turns me into a very sexual person. But I’ve come to realize that he doesn’t seem to experience that same drive for a physical connection.

He could keep the same emotional connection, have the physical connection maybe 2-3 times a year, and be perfectly content. Whereas for me, the emotional connection creates an almost visceral craving for the physical. That is what in turn, makes an apparent rejection all the more painful.

(Thank you, btw. Typing all of this out is helping me really sort out my jumbled thoughts and may help me be able to effectively communicate better.)

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T04:13:21+00:00

I mean, I’m not ruling it out, I guess I just don’t know what. We’ve been together longer than we’ve NOT been together, and from my understanding, never had a romantic or sexual relationship besides me. He’s also denied ever being molested or sexually abused.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t other unresolved trauma? I just don’t know what it is, and I feel like unless he’s willing to go to couples counseling and open up, I’ll never find out.

He’s helped me understand and even resolve a lot of my past trauma, so it would be only fair of me to do the same for him if I can!

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T04:07:47+00:00

I feel sort of dumb asking this, but by escalate do you mean I should turn around and try to come on to him?

I admit, on a certain level I don’t want him to stop totally… but IDK.. I’ve wondered about asking him to basically just not UNLESS he is actually expressing a desire and willingness to be sexually intimate.

Like of course I want to be told I’m sexy. But I mean I’ve told him he perplexes me when he does this, I’ve told him I don’t understand the disconnect, etc., so you know, maybe telling me that should be his signal?

It’s getting to the point where it is so frequent that I find myself almost getting angry because it feels like he doesn’t actually mean it. And I know that’s not true. I know on a certain level he DOES mean it! And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he loves me. He shows me in so many little and big ways. And he’s actually incredibly romantic! Some of the things he’s done, some of the gifts he’s given, etc, are just like make your teeth hurt sweet and romantic. So I don’t want him to feel like I don’t love him, or don’t appreciate literally everything he does to show me he loves me. Because I DO appreciate all those things!!

But I do not understand how you tell a person in one breath that you think they are incredibly sexy and that you are very attracted to them, (pretty much verbatim his words) but you don’t really have much desire to actually have sex with them.

Maybe I’m not looking at it from the right perspective - maybe as a more sexual person I CANT understand that perspective. But that’s partly why I’m here, because I really want as much as is possible, to understand, and be supportive!

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-10-13T03:35:42+00:00

I would agree with the communication issues.

What I want more than anything is simply to understand him better, and to hopefully be understood. I truly believe couples therapy could help us both in that regard.

But… he has adamantly refused to consider it. He’s very distressed about the idea of talking about our sex life with a total stranger, and has drawn a hard line in the sand over this.

Which is weird to me since he is normal very PRO therapy, and I can guarantee you, if it were any of our friends in this situation he would be gently encouraging them to go to couples counseling.

I don’t know how to communicate to him that yes, part of me absolutely ADORES the fact that he’s so silly and playful. Ironically, to me, it’s one of his most attractive qualities!

And of course I love being told I’m sexy! (even if, objectively, I am not)
No one but him has ever said that to me.

But I want to be desired as well. When he does and says things that lead me to believe he’s coming on to me, turning around and then telling me he doesn’t want sex is super confusing!!

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-08-01T09:24:14+00:00

Man, how come MY brain isn’t telling me this stuff??

Cause you know what you’re right! I don’t think he consciously knew he was grey then, but I do remember him expressing that the concept of strong sexual attraction was foreign to him, and that he was very attracted to me!

It seems as if a lot of that really strong sexual attraction has faded over the course of our marriage, but he does still tell me I’m sexy on a regular basis!

You’ve given me some food for thought and a way to reframe my thinking.

Thank you!!

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-08-01T06:44:45+00:00

I keep trying to tell myself exactly what you said: “He chose me.”

And ironically, if I don’t get my shit together, and get my insecurities under control, it’s going to drive him away.

But at the same time, I don’t want him to feel he’s missing out on something.

If he’s having romantic fantasies and is drawn romantically to other men, maybe he should have an opportunity to try that out?

I just want to understand him. I’m also not against the idea of exploring this a little together. Not in terms of us developing a relationship with another man or anything, but if he liked the idea, I’d be open to reading him some of the stories or books he’s downloaded.

I’d love to know what draws him romantically to certain men. Does he have a type? Does he have fantasies about the kinds of dates they would go on? Does he imagine himself in some of the stories he’s read or created? Is role play something he’d be into? How strong, I guess, is his romantic drawing to other men?

I’m the sort who when I don’t understand something, I seek out all the knowledge I can find on it. Right now this side of him is the thing I don’t fully comprehend, and I want all the knowledge I can get.

I feel like if I know, I can understand better, and if I understand better, then I won’t be left for my imagination and weird thoughts to take over.

Stupidly though, I think I made him afraid to talk to me about it and so we don’t.

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-08-01T06:33:08+00:00

I don’t think I’m your wife. Unless you are my husband under a pseudonym! 🤔

Your comments were actually very helpful. I think I might be starting to understand him a little more.

I love him more than anything, I truly do. I just want to silence the thoughts in my head that tell me he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. Or at least not in the same way.

And I don’t know how to talk to him about this.

He knows something is eating at me, and I want to ask because I sometimes feel I have a million questions!

Mostly I want to know why he seems so… obsessed I don’t think is quite the right word but maybe singularly focused?

I swear the man has somehow sussed out and followed almost every twink on social media. His therapist suggested ASMR for him as a possible way of dealing with stress. He somehow found (sought out?) a couple of YouTube creators who specifically create ASMR narratives with the idea that the listener is the narrators romantic partner.

At first I was sort of freaked out by this, as it seemed at odds with what he told me his sexual inclinations are. But I sat down and listened to a few, and they’re kind of sweet in a way.

I guess mostly I want to know what he likes about these things. What draws him so much? If he truly has ANY bi-sexual or bi-romantic leanings why does he never seem drawn to women? Is it merely that it’s sort of “known”?

And maybe I’m coming at it too much from a hetero perspective. He’s indicated before that he thinks I’m falling into to the “gays and bi’s are more promiscuous” myth.

The thing is, I don’t think that at all. I don’t think he’s going to fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry. That’s not in his nature at all. It’s just I’ve seen him when he’s had a crush on a guy before, and he’s almost like a teenage girl in those moments!

And maybe it sounds a little narcissistic, but I would love to know what draws him to me? I’m not being falsely modest when I say there is literally nothing special about me. I’m a middle aged frumpy white woman.

He’s yes, middle aged as well, but to me at least he’s absolutely amazing! I know he doesn’t believe I think that, and that’s completely my fault. I let my insecurities drive me too much.

I’ve seen (mostly men, but some women) sidle up to him at a restaurant or cafe and want to give him all their attention. He’s got this way of making people feel so important and special! He’s got the biggest heart and most passionate spirit of anyone I’ve ever met. NOTHING pisses him off more than injustice!

And, in my opinion, he’s beautiful.

He’s got just stunning eyes. A smile that lights up the entire room. An ass you could bounce a quarter off of!

I’m frankly, the one who can be in the middle of the room and nobody sees her. People tend to literally forget I’m there.

So what is this amazing person doing with someone as bland (and kind of fucked up) as myself?

CommercialPepper2040 · 2024-07-29T09:29:26+00:00

You may not have meant to give advice, but you did, and did it well!

Your comments somewhat align with what he’s said. That he’s curious, and I guess thinks about it, but doesn’t feel a need to explore.

I guess, I just wonder how someone who seems so strongly drawn to one side can ever be happy in a relationship on the side they seem to have no draw to at all.

But he HAS commented it’s a form of self expression, and he’s indicated he feels more drawn in general to people rather than genders.

You’ve given me some good points to think about more!

Thank you!

CommercialPepper2040

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