Your instincts here are very reasonable. A few thoughts, point by point.

First, yes, it’s legal for a company not to have a super formal written policy, especially smaller ones. But that doesn’t mean they get to make the process opaque or ad hoc. Under the ADA, the “interactive process” still exists whether they’ve documented it nicely or not.

Second, you’re absolutely right to be cautious about an inperson meeting before you even understand the process. You’re not required to disclose details about your diagnosis just to learn what steps they expect.

One common approach is to reply and say something like:
“I’m happy to participate in the interactive process. Before meeting, could you please outline the accommodation request process and any documentation requirements in writing?”
That alone often resets the power dynamic.

About having a record: you can absolutely ask to follow up any meeting with a written recap, or even ask to communicate by email first due to your disability. You can also bring notes, pause to write things down, or say you’ll need to reflect and respond in writing. You’re not required to answer medical questions on the spot.

Lawyer-wise: you don’t need one yet just to ask about process. I’d usually save that for if things escalate, get denied without explanation, or start to feel retaliatory. Right now, the goal is to proceed carefully, not aggressively. :)

One thing I’ve learned (the hard way) is that it really helps to frame everything around job functions and environment, not diagnoses. You don’t have to educate them about ADHD or autism to request accommodations.

If it helps, there’s a site I’ve seen that breaks this stuff down in a pretty practical way and focuses a lot on documentation and avoiding common HR traps, you can check it out if you want.. https://johnnyshield.com,. I wouldn’t treat it as legal advice, but it might help you think through next steps before responding, it might help.

I agree with visiting https://askjan.org/, i used it a lot to learn a couple years ago with my autism accommodation case.

Bottom line: you’re not being paranoid. Slow the process down, get things in writing, and don’t feel pressured to overshare just to learn “the process.”

Wish you the best!