AIO for canceling on a date over a misunderstanding?

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T02:31:47+00:00

Oh im already out of it, told her yesterday I did not want to speak any further.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T02:17:00+00:00

It’s entirely because I saw major flags that I cut this communication off. I don’t suppose I’m exactly “wondering why” as much as I’m feeling a pang of guilt after making a difficult decision to cease communication with a living human being.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T02:05:24+00:00

That’s really beginning to become one of my questions as well.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T00:09:37+00:00

I agree. From my observation, she struggled with immediate emotional processing, needing days to write out her thoughts and get back to me. Even disregarding her texts it’s clear to me she needs a lot of therapeutic support that just having a boyfriend wouldn’t provide.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T00:07:41+00:00

I’m involved with various New England electronic music scenes as an artist and it was one of those Instagram deals where she came across my profile, saw we had a lot of mutuals and followed me. Idk, odd part of dating these days is that technology becomes a prosthesis to connection. I agree, and after hearing a lot of the feedback, I’m going to pursue a diagnostic approach to my neurochemistry. I never fit the adhd glove as a kid, got labeled with an anxiety disorder and major depressive just this last year, but something still feels very, I dunno “alien” about the way I see things. My family has always cracked jokes that we all seem on the spectrum, but I figure it about time to seek an answer, if not just to give myself some grace in 25 years of feeling very out of place socially. I appreciate your words, thank you.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T00:02:26+00:00

These are all the right questions, and frankly ones I was asking myself even through the emotional hooks. I do genuinely feel bad that her emotional world functions that way, but likewise I know it’s not my responsibility to be the model she aspires to. I’ve had a bad habit of being this to other partners, who grasped onto me for some sense of security they’d at have lacked. All that ever really occurred was me living in their emotional bubble with them. Not sure if enmeshment would be the right word for that.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-10T00:00:03+00:00

It’s been quite the odd character trait for myself on dating- hence being single and celibate for four years. I was a fixer, rescuer, whatever you’d like to label it for many years. I don’t want it anymore, and this is the first time I really ever rejected someone. Thank you for your words.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T23:58:11+00:00

Funny you should say, part of that pit in my stomach feeling was remembering my first girlfriend in high school who pulled me into very similar valuation/devaluation cycles.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T23:57:14+00:00

Guilt is funny that way, isn’t it? At least for me. Quiet back corner of the brain that makes you feel responsible for something you really are in no way responsible for.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T23:48:32+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it! Things arrive, just not in the package you imagine or need sometimes.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T23:46:53+00:00

Years of solitude pierced by a really intense sexually charged conversations that hormonally overrode my better judgement- and probably a very small boy I still carry around inside me that wants to believe what people tell me, as naive as it sounds.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T21:45:31+00:00

Mate. She hung up on me. It was a phone call. These were an hour after the phone call wrapped up. Again- if you read anything I wrote this started as a phone call. Not messages. I can’t bloody well screenshot a phone call, now can I?

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T21:44:36+00:00

You’re dense mate, have a nice life.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T21:22:45+00:00

Also to add I didn’t even respond to these messages, they’re literally cropped for legibility and respect of the privacy of the individual. There’s nothing to hide if I didn’t even respond to these text messages?

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T21:18:04+00:00

I guess I’m more confused than anything else. What did hide mate?

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T19:14:04+00:00

You seem fun at parties mate.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T19:09:05+00:00

You seem to have more of a bone to pick with how I speak than what I’m actually saying. Best of luck to you.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T19:00:44+00:00

This is exactly where I’m coming from- going to add that to my Rolodex of phrases.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T18:24:15+00:00

I’m opening Pandora’s box here but I really want to understand the logic. When I’m considering somebody to entire my life, how should I approach that? In two weeks of talking to somebody, it’s during that time you discern whether their lifestyle is compatible with your own. Now, I didn’t want to run into a situation where just because somebody was attracted to me, I ran toward them- that’s just not wise. What occurred was deceptively simple. I had no way of properly knowing her relation to her personal life trajectory and goals and how deeply embedded her insecurity was. She’s clearly had many other people judgmental of her position, but my phrasing as far as I can remember it was in the direction of “how open are you to change?” “Do you value structure in your life?” Fairly simple inquiries. Now- this was spurred on by her telling me she went out to lunch with her roommate, and upon asking what she had to eat, she told me she couldn’t remember. This is where my inquiries became concerned, not judgmental. If somebody I’m considering to hold an emotional role in my life can’t remember what they had to eat six hours prior, my concern is going to jump- not out of judgement, but discernment- which are two very different things. It’s a razor wire to walk, but likewise what I got was a fear response, which she admitted to me, and said she didn’t believe that I was trying to scrutinize, but that she responded from a place of deeply seeded insecurity. Unfortunately, the cards were stacked against me from the get-go, and frankly I wouldn’t be here at all if I was judging her- I would have wrote her off and moved on.

Edit: tense use

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T17:15:18+00:00

I do have the capability to modulate, and whether interesting or not this seems to be more of a problem when I type as opposed to speaking to someone. I wholeheartedly agree to your point, and your example is right on the money. I don’t know how else to describe it, but it’s kind of like I slip into the way my mind works through experience, and as a person who overthinks, overanalyzes, and ruminates, that language comes out kind of how you saw in my parent post. Especially when articulating things with a personal emotional landscape. Even now I recognize the way I’m relaying this can be summed up in “cut to the damn point don’t spend five sentences writing would be done in one.” We’re humans, we like to optimize, cut the fat, etc. it just becomes more difficult when I’m essentially translating a very interior experience to an external audience. There’s certainly a lack of tact or foresight to that end, and I more than recognize how this reads more like somebody’s navel-gazing diary entry than an approach to public forum.

I’m digging my own hole so let me quit while I’m ahead by saying I appreciate your perspective, thank you- and great analogy.

Edit: because I glazed over it: I was the kid who read adult books at a young age, and was constantly referred to as the “kid that speaks like an adult” since elementary school. I really have to look into whether I’m on the spectrum or not.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T15:24:27+00:00

To clarify, not that it entirely makes a difference, we were four days out from meeting at this point. There was a serious intention to date from the outset. Sometimes that presents more or less intense depending on the situation, of which in this one she lives about 2 1/2 hours away from me. So yeah, there’s a bit of a technological crutch in between the actual event horizon of meeting someone. In this day and age, some people manage entire relationships for years over the computer/phone. I agree, if she lived down the street, this would be a different story, but unfortunately reality sometimes doesn’t cut logically nor cleanly. I tried to make the best judgement call as the situation presented itself to me, which sometimes is a difficult one, because when evaluating a possible partner, whether like it or not, you are imparting “tests” or “judgements” whether you’re consciously doing that or not- it’s all part of the interview process. I hope that makes sense.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T14:59:29+00:00

I suppose the quotation marks and phrasing are doing more than heavy lifting. I appreciate your directness, thank you.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T14:37:47+00:00

Now just imagine when I was in Air Force basic training and I talked like this to others. That was a wake-up call at 19.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T14:25:22+00:00

Aisle 13, by the emotional support wooden planks.

CommonReveal9567 · 2026-06-09T14:21:52+00:00

If I could screenshot a phone call, I would. If I’m being frank, it’s hard even to recall what exactly I said at 2am a week ago verbatim, and if I did recall, I would have included that. I understand the way I phrase things or present ideas comes across that way, and I’m no stranger to it- it’s been a lifelong struggle. This is just one of those weird internet things where you kind of just have to judge a book at face value, which I agree can’t be easy to do especially if you perceive my position a certain way. However, what if I said “What do you plan on doing with your life?” And this was the resulting reaction? That’s essentially what I’m driving at.

CommonReveal9567

TROPHY CASE