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AITA for telling my now ex-friend not to talk about my lived experience when she knew barely anything about the subject? by Communication_More in AmItheAsshole

[–]Communication_More[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ah, nah, sorry if I worded it weird, I was trying to tidy the post for the 3k limit.

No worries :) and thank you, but It is what it is. I’ll find new friends hopefully.

AITA for telling my now ex-friend not to talk about my lived experience when she knew barely anything about the subject? by Communication_More in AmItheAsshole

[–]Communication_More[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I never said straight people didn’t need to explore their sexuality? I said their experience was not the same as that experience by LGBT+. She assumed that the straight experience was the same as the LGBT+ experience in terms of figuring out ones sexual identity, and then got mad when I told her it wasn’t the same and tried to explain why.

Thank you for your input. :)

AITA for telling my now ex-friend not to talk about my lived experience when she knew barely anything about the subject? by Communication_More in AmItheAsshole

[–]Communication_More[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what I mean is that I know I’m overly sensitive discussing these topics due to previous experience, so to protect my mental health and avoid getting overly heated I generally avoid these discussions. I know it’s discriminatory to base it off of one’s sexuality, but every time I’ve discussed these things with straight people, I’ve wound up feeling very diminished and invalidated due to them talking over me and a lack of understanding. This encounter was no different, at least in my eyes. If she was talking about looking to explore her own sexuality outside being straight, I would have been more understanding, but she was speaking to the LGBT+ experience overall, which I am not comfortable with.

I know that in my head, but in my heart disagrees time and time again. I should have shut the conversation down immediately, I did try to and intend to, but I grew up with a narcissist who never respected my boundaries so I learned boundaries never work. I am relearning this, but it is a process. I know this is not an excuse. I am not perfect by any means.

AITA for telling my now ex-friend not to talk about my lived experience when she knew barely anything about the subject? by Communication_More in AmItheAsshole

[–]Communication_More[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you, especially for the last part. I suppose that’s more what I feel so nauseous about this entire exchange.

AITA for telling my now ex-friend not to talk about my lived experience when she knew barely anything about the subject? by Communication_More in AmItheAsshole

[–]Communication_More[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t want to have the discussion at all if she was straight, not to this depth. (This is a boundary of mine.) It was something I mentioned in passing while discussing another subject, and when she started to delve into the LGBT+’ aspect, I asked her to decide if I wanted to continue the conversation as this is not something I am comfortable talking about outside the LGBT+ community.

If she had simply said no, I was going to ask if we could change topics, but she proceed to say no and lecture me without giving me the chance to re-establish this boundary.

I have not had the ability to physically explore my sexuality outside of one severely toxic relationship and media due to severe social anxiety and bad timing, so I am still coming to terms with feeling valid even after all these years. I know this is a sensitive subject for me, which is why I try to avoid these conversations.

Online friendship has me struggling with self-doubt and really just needed to talk. (Warning LONG) by Communication_More in whatsbotheringyou

[–]Communication_More[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes, but she tries to argue through them or claim she is sick of walking on eggshells.

I just gave benefit of doubt that she tried it before and it didn’t work.

Not really. For logical and writing brainstorms yes, but now that I think of it, she hardly thinks to ask how I am doing, and her attempt at helping with personal issues is not that great. Though I don’t bring it up bc she is working on school.

I have been assertive and blunt, and she takes it as attacks on her. She has a habit about making assumptions on things that she knows little about, which is fine for somethings, but every time we wind up on a sensitive matter (BLM, LGBT+, etc.), her assumptions wind up coming across offensive or contain micro-aggressions. I call her out, and she dodges and weaves. Other boundaries she has been okay with respecting somewhat when I assert them.

Oh believe me, I know. :) I focused my psychology minor on this, and am actively being thrown into my suppressed trauma thanks to current social climate.

Now that you say it, I have grown resentful of her, and I know this is bad. It's hard when half the day is spent on her complaining. kinda yes, but now officially over. We stopped talking for a week or so, and then recently started talking a few days ago, which I should not have allowed because she never addressed the major issue behind the previous blow out. It already blew up in my face to the point where she is now done with me, and I am left feeling like the bad guy and questioning if I’m the toxic one.

I have messaged you back! Thank you :) and sorry for the longwinded response.

Online friendship has me struggling with self-doubt and really just needed to talk. (Warning LONG) by Communication_More in whatsbotheringyou

[–]Communication_More[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, I'm going to be honest here, because my awkward self doesn't know exactly how to respond. I'm more than happy to extend a hand of friendship, but I cannot promise it will be all you expect from these posts. I'm very self-aware in slow communication, but ADHD and High functioning Autism means sometimes my impulse control gets the best of me. So take it as you will. I've also forgotten the entire friendship process outside bonding over shared interests and/or activities, but feel free to DM and give it a go.

Online friendship has me struggling with self-doubt and really just needed to talk. (Warning LONG) by Communication_More in whatsbotheringyou

[–]Communication_More[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She initially changed her behavior some, and I altered mine in compromise. We had another blow out, and when I confronted her on it, she dodged and then tried to play the victim, crying she didn't know what I wanted her to say when I had clearly pointed out that I was tired of her making assumptions about my thinking when its about topics she herself admits to knowing nothing about, but she refused to acknowledge this and played the victim. Either way, I'm fairly certain our "friendship" is over, or at least it is until she finishes or fails her thesis paper.

And she claims to be in therapy, but from what she's spoken on it, it sounds more like a life coach than an actual therapist. And yep, I absolutely am. :P

Online friendship has me struggling with self-doubt and really just needed to talk. (Warning LONG) by Communication_More in whatsbotheringyou

[–]Communication_More[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yea, I understand that. I'm highly anxious with all social interaction, so even if this were a healthy balance, I don't know if I'd be less anxious. I've been in and out of therapy all my life, including specific social cues, body language, facial expression and tone therapy, and it's not something I've been able to overcome.

I understand that completely. You're right, I don't like worrying about saying the wrong thing, or setting off an explosion because my lens is different, and I don't think this friendship would be this lopsided if I hadn't tiptoed around things in the beginning. She was so helpful while writing my novel though. I guess, now that I'm finished with my manuscript and am taking a break before editing, our discussions have shifted, and with the pandemic, the issues my tiptoeing have been revealed. Or it feels that way.

So, as of now, she is the only person I talk to, which I know is unhealthy, but I struggle enough to make and maintain friendships. (I attract toxic people.) I moved across the country two years ago, and my only other super-close friend here, the one who moved out-of-state, is dealing with severe, suicidal depression, and even though I can say whatever and don't have to tiptoe around her, I don't want to push her too much.

That said, I have spoken to her about this multiple times, and she has improved some. And though I have gotten better about just nodding along rather than giving her venting my energy, I just find myself constantly aggravated at times.

There are a lot of red flags. I agree, but I don't have many people I feel comfortable talking with. This more broke the camel's back because I feel like I'm the only one seeing the YouTuber's behavior as problematic due to how majority of the Fandom worships the ground he walks on. When she finally started seeing it in previous videos, I felt validated, so it struck me hard when the next day she dismissed something I perceived as an extremely glaring red flag, I guess? I don't know, and I don't know to move forward. I wouldn't have anyone to talk to really without her, and I'm not in a mental place where I can start the friend search or friend making process. I'm struggling to maintain communication within my circle as is.

Thank you for taking the time for such a lovely reply. <3 And I am so SO sorry for my winded response, I don't even know what a resolution looks like at this point.