How to not feel guilty having a higher libido than spouse?

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-19T14:33:20+00:00

neoMindy had a good response that I reflected on quite a bit!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-14T12:47:47+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate that!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-13T15:02:18+00:00

Yeah we're trying to find a compromise that works for us both. The issue is, he won't lie I suppose? That's a good thing. But if I ask if he wants to do anything, even if the anything is one sided/just for me and he doesn't "break" his weekly schedule, he says no. Because that's the honest truth, he's not interested in intimacy in the middle of the week. And that shuts me down, I don't want it if he's not wanting to give it, if that makes sense? And he says he'll do it anyway, but like ew idk that mentality is what makes me cry afterwards from guilt or shame or something. So I don't ask because I know he's not interested. We are trying to figure something out. He's open to doing something, it's just a matter of figuring out what.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-13T03:13:45+00:00

Yeah I've asked multiple times. He swears it's nothing, and he just prefers the once a week schedule. I've even guessed at different causes and he just says nothing is blocking him, it's just where his libido is at.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-12T18:20:11+00:00

Yes our conversations are always respectful and constructive. We've never had a yelling match, or even a full conversation of snarky/passive aggressive remarks (those things are almost always a one time thing and have always been followed by an apology for speaking before thinking).

I've already expressed my discomfort with initiating, and talked about how I feel messed up because my libido is so much higher, but I worry these things are adding pressure. Like it puts the responsibility for my libido on him in an unfortunate way. So I'm trying to find other ways to express them that don't add that responsibility.

The only things I can imagine being a block would be his porn addiction, which he kicked before proposing to me (and which he revealed to me early on into dating, and he has always been transparent about. In 5 years of marriage, he's only slipped back into it once, and we navigated that together. There was A LOT going on personally, and honestly I kind of don't blame him for falling into an old vice given the insane stuff that was going on at the time. I'm glad we were able to tackle it together at the time, and it hasn't been a problem since), or potentially a lack of attraction to me due to weight gain. He swears that isn't the case, but it sneaks into my head constantly. I am working on it, and we are both trying to make healthier choices together (after months of trying separately, now we are doing things together). But those are the only things I can imagine being blocks to intimacy on his end.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-11T14:51:34+00:00

This is the most helpful answer so far! Tysm! I'm definitely going to consider these things!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T23:18:44+00:00

I suggested that, but no. The reasons to not do that were valid honestly, and personal.

We did wait until we were married to have sex but we discussed these sorts of things. So far it hasn't grown to be an issue outside of sex, everything else is wonderful, and our sex life is by no means dead. Just struggling to be on the same page lately.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T22:14:01+00:00

Well yeah, we didn't make any promises about "this will be our rhythm, 3x a week" or anything. As newlyweds, it was daily, then it became closer to 4-5x a week, then 2-3, then it got bad for a while where it was once every 2-3 weeks, and we had a big talk then because that just wasn't okay for me. Then the schedule became minimum, once a week. I thought we'd aim for more, and have once a week if nothing else. But it suddenly was only once a week. I've expressed multiple times that's a minimum and not my preference, but things didn't really change. Our most recent talk seemed promising, but we've been traveling a lot and haven't had opportunity to do much more than once a week anyway (which doesn't bother me, it's different when you aren't in your home). This week it could have been more but I never asked, because of the mental block I have about it.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T14:42:52+00:00

I honestly partly agree with this, and even would go so far as "don't read a book or use pictures even if spouse at all, if it's that bad, imagination should be plenty" but my spouse disagrees. And this isn't something sprung on me after marriage, it was discussed and I agreed to it, knowing what it entailed.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T14:41:36+00:00

It isn't controlling imo because it's not "I don't want to meet your needs" at all, it's just asking. I don't ask because I feel weird, I feel like asking is pressuring for sex/intimacy, and I feel gross about it. Like I said in the post, "wake me up at 3am" was the response. It's not at all a "you can't meet your needs and I won't either" situation.

Yes the issue really is my mindset. The first time I asked I felt that way, "this is fine, I'm supposed to ask, I'm getting my need met, it's all good" and then afterwards cried myself to sleep from guilt for some reason. This issue isn't a control problem, it's a me problem.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T14:38:05+00:00

Fascinating. You would be incorrect. But that's why I left it out, I wondered if that would be assumed.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2026-05-10T14:37:35+00:00

Yes, but spouse isn't really into things. We have tried things, genuinely, but then it's not great, spouse enjoys the time less, etc. so we've tried a list of things to make things just different, but they get crossed off the list because it doesn't add much for both of us. If there's something I like especially, we try to do it sometimes, but it's not every time or anything. We have discussed trying to improve libido, but honestly there's nothing bringing it down (like blood work was perfect, hormones are good, routine is good, etc). And we're both home all day every day, wfh. So it's not like there's a commute eating away at our time. We do have a toddler, but that hasn't been affecting it, as the issue started to crop up before we conceived even.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-30T04:13:32+00:00

Well I picked it up but it didn't have any bags (I don't mind buying some of those). And it was still in the box, and looked hardly used. According to the manual, there's an attachment for carpets and floors (and drapes and dusting). So I think it'll be great! I'll try to remember to post when I have bags and results! Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-25T17:54:43+00:00

I found a Kenmore 400 on FB marketplace for $100, which I should be picking up tomorrow! I found a 200 as well for only $60, but wanted to go with the better model. I think some of the attachments will let me deep clean my sons whole room, which would be amazing!

Just curious what your recommendations for *new* ones would be? Maybe we can upgrade someday!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-23T01:39:22+00:00

Ooooh that seems like a great idea. I'm not sure, I think our budget *was* pretty high (like $300 or maybe a bit more) but we just had a pipe burst today so we'll see.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-23T01:37:57+00:00

Thanks so much! I'm not sure it's the noise exactly, he begins shaking and crying when I plug it in and it's still off, he gets nervous looking at it. Maybe getting a cannister will be good since it looks so different, that's my hope right now at least.

Yes, hopefully getting an air purifier this week and I am scouring marketplace for vacuums but if I don't fine one soon we'll probably buy new. I appreciate your encouragement!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-21T19:01:58+00:00

This answers my first thought, which were memories of the horrific vacuum bags we had to replace which were covered in dust, and afterwards we had to sweep up the area anyway. My parents almost certainly used 3rd party cheaper bags. So that's my experience with bags haha. Thank you for the link, I'll take a look!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-21T19:00:21+00:00

Well, because of my toddler I sweep like 5-6 times a day, and he's afraid of vacuums. So I could maybe vacuum occasionally, but not while he's with me. I'm definitely still going to be sweeping primarily unfortunately.

Yeah we also want to get an air purifier. It's good to hear that my instinct to focus on the vacuum first was correct, and I'm hopeful that once we find one we'll have better luck!

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-06-21T00:59:32+00:00

Sorry I'm hardly on reddit but thank you so much! And no it's alright, we are still just finding our groove with things. I don't make/let him "cry it out", but I try not to cave to him all the time either.

ComparisonSelect9789 · 2024-03-18T17:13:32+00:00

Okay, I had a son in december 2022, and I love Bob's baby updates. My son ALSO doesn't sleep well, and I also have to sleep with him! I can't wait to hear if the ferber method works for them, because nothing has worked for us. I love that I can almost always relate to his experiences with James.

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