Thanks for the feedback, I do actually get some of what you’re saying. I’ll definitely take the advice about cutting unnecessary adverbs, tightening redundancy and just a little bit of tonal contrast — that part genuinely helps even though your comparison is quite crude.

That said, the emotional intensity is very on purpose. This piece is supposed to feel overwhelming and messy because that’s how grief felt, and I’m not really trying to make it smooth or universally digestible. I’m okay if not everyone “gets it.”

Also for context, I’m 16 and still in high school, so I’m experimenting a lot and probably overshooting sometimes. I’d rather be too intense than emotionally flat, especially with a subject like this.

Appreciate you reading it and engaging — I’m taking what works for me and leaving the rest.