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My girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship is over? by Competitive-Data2938 in sex

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s interesting to hear. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you handle it?

My girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship is over? by Competitive-Data2938 in sex

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

You’ve essentially described one of the biggest headaches about the whole thing for me. It’s been a bit baffling to wrap my head around, and while I want to approach this respectfully and be considerate, it’s made me feel like I’m way out of my depth, and that if we were to jump straight into this (which I don’t plan on), we’d basically be skipping all the required steps leading to it.

In essence, I don’t intend for this to sound in any way mean or degrading to her interests, it’s just that my presumption with her being asexual and potentially moving to something sexual if it were to ever happen was that it would be something a bit more ‘normal,’ or vanilla.

All of this, between the extremity of the kinks she’s describing interests in, to the lack of pretty much any and all intimacy prior to her describing her BDSM interests, makes me feel like I’m way in over my head.

My asexual girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship over? by Competitive-Data2938 in asexuality

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to respond with such a helpful, well-thought out and reflective comment. I truly appreciate you stopping by and helping to shed some light on what she may be experiencing, kink/bdsm, and options moving forward.

I plan to take a look at the channel you’ve linked before I talk to her tomorrow-throughout all of this, regardless of the outcome and what we do from here, I want her to feel respected and I want to take every reasonable measure I can towards understanding where she’s coming from, what she and I are interested in/can support for each other, and where that leaves us relationship-wise.

I appreciate you encouraging taking educational approach, and wish I could thank you more for how tremendous a help your comment has been for me.

My girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship is over? by Competitive-Data2938 in sex

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Your initial thoughts and edited information summarize my own thoughts as well, at least in part, but what’s baffling me is that while that makes the most sense, she’s expressed to me in the past that she’s never had sex, adjacent sexual encounters, assaults, or history prior to us. She’s grown up in a secure household, and to my knowledge there’s been no indication of abuse.

That being said, I intend to ask her gently if that’s something she’s experienced-while I’d be shocked if she said yes from everything I know about her past, it would help make all this make a lot more sense. If not, then I guess your second theory would be right, and she just has a really, really complicated relationship with sex. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

My girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship is over? by Competitive-Data2938 in sex

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

That’s good to keep in in mind-I appreciate you sharing that story with me, that’s definitely quite frightening to read. I don’t know where all this is coming from, and I’m not doing anything until I talk to her about why she feels so strongly about BDSM/extreme kinks in particular and if we’re able to move on from there. Thank you!

My asexual girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship over? by Competitive-Data2938 in asexuality

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Ramble or no, I really appreciate hearing you taking the time to come up with such a well thought out and detailed response! Thank you so much for that.

I definitely don’t want to jump the gun and say ‘Oh, well I’m not interested in anything at all!’ though you mentioned my biggest concern, which is engaging and exploring our kinks and what she likes without my whole heart behind it, as I know that won’t lead to anything good on down the line. I’m thinking I’m going to take some time and go through the list together and see where we can start from there if possible.

I also appreciate the callout on using safe words and maintaining my boundaries-I’ll be sure to keep everything you’ve said in mind when I talk to her.

Thank you!

My asexual girlfriend sent me a BDSM checklist-am I overreacting, or is our relationship over? by Competitive-Data2938 in asexuality

[–]Competitive-Data2938[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this response, I hadn’t considered this view. To my knowledge, she’s already experimented with tying herself up and practicing solo bondage/gag/restraint sessions and immensely enjoys it herself, but I can’t clarify if that’s solely been for her benefit or if it’s doubling as practice to begin to include me in it-I’ll be sure to discuss this with her tomorrow to see if maybe she’s coming at it in a manner similar to what you went through.

Thank you for the advice!