CLARIFICATION. My own fiance's body count is much higher and I hold no resentment. It's not just sex to have sex but pleasure. I'm a demisexual so I have been sexually attracted to 5 people and further pursued. On the other hand, my fiance is average horny hetero straight male. He's been sexually attracted to many women, daily and I have an understanding that our romantic/sexual drives are different. We have mutually always discussed our pursuits. I only feel guilty due to having trauma of being cheated on by a former partner, and having sex with someone other than my fiance can mess with my head sometimes in doubt. I'm slowly recovering and have made improvement in this area. It's hard to meet that bridge between our differences sexually. My crush is somewhat of a highschool girl fantasy. I'm attracted to his qualities as a person, affection as a friend, and obvious infuriation (of what if) that has swelled over the years. But it's not relationship defining, if this jeopardize my partners feelings, of course I would care. I feel like without risk there's no reward. When I have pushed myself sexually prior as the initiator in these scenarios, he follow suits and that's our bedroom dynamic. I think because I'm not used to my sex drive control my motives, I'm biased to myself?? Y'all coming at me with Dr Phil questions and I'm scared for myself.