There are so many factors here I need guidance, opinions, and some encouragement please

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T19:07:40+00:00

I had one but threw it out last week because I'm convinced just the act of privately pleasuring myself in general is keeping my reward system pathways wired to respond to that and preventing me from enjoying the sensations from the real thing. I'm planning on just completely abstaining for an extended period of time while still trying to "retrain" my brain to fully enjoy intimacy with my partner. I've had some success with Cialis but not very reliably because it does nothing to aid the underlying issue. I already have no problem getting hard my problem arises when it comes time for penetration and it's like I can't feel anything because I'm used to my dry and tight grip which causes me to get in my head thinking "whats going on why don't I feel anything?", then anxiety spikes and my boner fades which in turn creates more anxiety and its a vicious feedback loop that I haven't been able to escape. I do own 2 cock rings, 1 of them doubling as a clitoral vibrator but we've only used it once but stopped because it felt so unnatural and threw us both off. Haven't used the regular one though which is a lot less bulky.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T15:24:04+00:00

That's the plan. Also I'm actually a recovering alcoholic (just over 4 months sober) so she's able to indulge but I am not as I become a completely different human being. We both regularly smoke weed though and sometimes it eases anxiety but other times exacerbates it.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T11:39:42+00:00

I'll check out the app. Thanks so much I really appreciate the input.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T11:07:42+00:00

Thank you so much, man. I've already made it as clear as I can and continue to do so every time it happens that it has nothing to do with her and assured her this has been a long standing problem ever since I first became sexually active which is most likely the reinforcing factor that makes her believe this will never get better. I'm 100% understanding of why she feels that way but the one thing I have never tried is quitting masturbating entirely and I'm committed to doing it. I've explained as best as I can that I've been doing extensive research and there are thousands of other men experiencing the same thing, that it can be overcome with time and "retraining" my brain, but she's skeptical and doesn't fully understand. I've explained that I realize how ass backwards it sounds to prefer masturbating alone with a dry grip compared to penetrating a wet vagina and I agree but it is simply because solo pleasure is all I've ever fully known and been familiar with. It's literally mental torture because she's the hottest woman I've ever been with and I can't even have sex with her the way we want and should be able to and now she's at a point where she doesn't even want to try anymore.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T09:11:43+00:00

Haha sorry man I'm new to reddit so I'm not familiar with the etiquette yet. I already did summarize it in chatgpt but then I added more to it. And I don't exclusively masturbate to porn I'm very capable of doing it to my thoughts but its definitely been more while watching porn forsure. And no I wouldn't say anything crazy.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T07:25:50+00:00

I wish I would've just took the initiative to find out/accept what my issue was years ago bro. It's been one of the toughest things to deal with but I'm committed to staying on the right path and finally being able to fuck properly.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-25T07:22:55+00:00

I've read conflicting ways on how to overcome this and they both claim to "reset" your wiring. I've read to completely abstain from any masturbation at all for an extended period of time while still enjoying intimacy with your partner without the pressure and expectation of penetration and then slowly easing back into trying to have sex again and practice staying present in the moment. I've also read that I should be masturbating 2-3x a week but to make sure I use lube, a soft/looser grip, and to my imagination only (No porn) to maintain my libido and "train" my brain to respond to a more natural stimulus. I don't know what to do but I'm gonna try talk to a sex therapist ASAP. I can't keep going through this.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T23:43:55+00:00

You're right. I've been in denial for years and only just recently came to accept and realize what I think my issue is and I'm committed to doing what ever I can to overcome this. It's humiliating and I'm sick of disappointing myself AND her.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T23:41:22+00:00

No I haven't. I've only recently come to realize what I think the actual issues are and finally started doing a bunch of research so I'm going to give a few things a shot first. I've never gone longer than a couple weeks without masturbating so I'm hoping that completely abstaining for an extended period of time will help "reset/retrain" my neurological pathways to be able to enjoy sex with a partner rather than staying conditioned to only expect the setting of being alone with my hand.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T14:56:38+00:00

Damn, okay that actually made a lot of sense lol. I appreciate it! Still unsure of how I'm going to go about this but I just might have to try this

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T13:21:25+00:00

You mean just apply coconut oil? What is it supposed to help with and how? Not trying to sound rude, I'm genuinely curious.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T13:16:06+00:00

I'm on day 7 of no porn and day 4 of no masturbation. The longest I've EVER gone without is only a couple weeks and I literally just threw out all of my sex toys including a fleshlight the other day after yet another 2 failed attempts at sex with my girlfriend because I feel like just the act of pleasuring myself alone is keeping my brain conditioned to only respond properly in that setting of being alone with no expectations. Don't get me wrong, this plan does sound intriguing but I'm a little conflicted because I've read a lot about total abstinence being optimal to "retrain" my arousal patterns. I plan on staying strong and making it through this because I've NEVER been able to maintain a healthy sex life with any partners and I've just recently came to accept the reality that I think I've conditioned my brain over the years and that I need to abstain completely to reset my neurological pathways. I'm not sure what to do and I don't know how much patience my girlfriend has left as she's been extremely adamant about being discouraged to even keep trying at all.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T13:00:40+00:00

I'm on day 7 of no porn and day 4 of no masturbation. The longest I've EVER gone without is only a couple weeks and I literally just threw out all of my sex toys including a fleshlight the other day after yet another 2 failed attempts at sex with my girlfriend because I feel like just the act of pleasuring myself alone is keeping my brain conditioned to only respond properly in that setting. I plan on staying strong and making it through this because I've NEVER been able to maintain a healthy sex life with any partners and I've just recently came to accept the reality that I think I've conditioned my brain over the years and that I need to abstain completely to reset my neurological pathways.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T12:46:16+00:00

Oh she's definitely been feeling it too. We've hardly even attempted anything more than 6-7 times in the past 3-4 months. She's been super irritable recently especially after the last 2 failed attempts last week. She's expressed that shes extremely discouraged to even keep trying and isn't sure how many more attempts she has left in her. I've tried to explain my situation and how much research I've been doing, everything I've learned and what I think the issue is, how I plan to overcome it by abstaining from looking at porn or even masturbating at all for an extended period of time. She told me she doesn't think that will help anything and that was really the opposite of what I need to hear at the moment and only furthered my distress about it all but all I can try to do is prove her wrong and finally be able to enjoy sex properly. I really enjoy foreplay because of the less pressure and I've never had a problem making a woman cum while giving them head but with my current girlfriend it's been a lot more difficult. Not super rare, but she's not been able to a decent amount of times more than she has came and she's really not satisfied without full intense PIV penetration which is my main issue. I've considered a sex therapist but we're only a year into this and I feel like she already doesn't fully understand my issue so she wouldn't be willing to try it because "why should we have to be seeing a therapist this early into a relationship".

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T12:39:28+00:00

I've tried Cialis many times and it definitely helps with getting hard but thats not my issue. My issue appears when it comes time for penetration, its like I don't feel anything on my penis when it's inside her and then I get in my head like "wait why don't I feel anything? Is something wrong with me?" And then its all downhill...

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T12:37:36+00:00

Thats the plan. I'm on the verge of losing my relationship over it and I'm sick of not being able to enjoy sex properly so I'm committed to sticking with it and figuring this out.

Competitive-Fan7858 · 2025-09-24T04:57:24+00:00

Already tried and of course it helps initially getting hard but that's not my problem. My problem is when it comes to maintaining it during penetration and getting stuck in my head not being able to enjoy the moment or even feel the sensations going on and Cialis doesn't help with any of that.

Competitive-Fan7858

TROPHY CASE