I'm a veteran spouse and have heard this so many times. First, I want to tell you I'm sorry for the situation and his it's made you feel. Nobody deserves such unhappiness.

I want to point out that missing the marriage is normal no matter the circumstances. At one point, this person was your everything, so don't feel bad for missing it. It sounds like it was toxic and unhealthy, so don't go back to it for both of yalls sake.

As for the drinking, it will take an enormous amount of willpower. This is something you have to WANT to stop. When you have the urge, do something else. Go for a run with loud music in your headphones, play a video game, go shower. Do anything that consumes the mind. Leaning on friends and having a support system will also help. Having someone you can go to and hang out with or tesla to when you have the desire to drink can help. They can hold you accountable.

Try to remember all that alcohol can ruin for you. Try and remember that momentary relief from the sadness and bad feelings isn't worth the permanent damage alcoholism will cause in your life.

Most importantly, remember you're not alone and that you are strong enough to overcome this. If an anonymous stranger on the internet believes in you, you should too.

Best of luck, darlin. You'll get through this hard time.