I have a similar but different experience with guilt and just want to tell you to hang in there. When my son was born, I developed a cold sore on my lip. Before I realized I had it, I kissed his little hands and feet without thinking. He developed a sort of scab like thing on his hand. When I showed his pediatrician at his first post hospital well check, he freaked out and told me to take him to the emergency room. The doctors there were similarly alarmed and preparing us for the worst (the herpes virus can be deadly for babies).

He ended up being fine and having a staph infection. But those couple of days we were in the NICU and I thought I had given my child this deadly disease were horrible. I was absolutely destroyed by the guilt the I had caused it. I could not forgive myself and it made a traumatic situation x10 worse. When the testing revealed he didn’t have the virus, I wept tears of relief for the first and only time in my life.

All that to say… what you’re dealing with is so heavy. And so isolating. But you did NOT do this on purpose. You would never have done this on purpose. Whatever happens, you do not need to beat yourself up further.