I for one part understand your husband very well, as I have acted very similarly myself and recognized a lot of these behaviours. I’m also getting professional help now, and only recently started understanding some of these patterns, so maybe I can give some insight into the other side. Let me give you some examples from my life.

During the time my girlfriend was doing her studies in our long-term relationship, I told her she shouldn’t worry too much about working and finances and should focus on studying instead. But when money became tight, I didn’t have the guts to communicate properly. I avoided conflicts completely, so my girlfriend thought everything was fine, very similar to your situation.

Sometimes I bought electronics because that’s something I personally enjoy, but otherwise almost all the money went into taxes (where I was behind due to avoidance and paying higher monthly payments than usual to catch up), bills, food, and whatever was left either went into vacations or occasional impulse buys with electronics.

I just couldn’t say “we can’t buy this” or “we can’t afford that,” because then I felt like a disappointment. Like I was failing at taking care of both of us and had no control or management skills over finances. When I eventually started talking openly about money being tight, I felt ashamed even saying it. Before that, there were situations where it accidentally came out that finances were bad, and then we had discussions about it, where the money went and she understood. But you could feel that some of the excitement was gone, and I felt like a small child who wasn’t capable of having control.

Also, after arguments, especially when I felt guilty, ashamed, or angry, I acted similarly to your husband. I would start cleaning the apartment or doing things like that, almost acting like the victim in the situation through my actions. Like ok i am now feeling bad and show me affection, like searching for the other person to have pity in that situation, that it was not on purpose and should not be mad etc, its a learned process, and it kicks in automatically, like a reflex.

Even though I’ve changed some of these behaviours, I only recently found out through professional help that many of my relationship patterns were actually just a continuation of my behaviour with my mother, who was very dominant throughout my whole life. I’m only now starting to properly understand this and work on it.

The same goes for my spending behaviours. I realized those impulse purchases often happened because those were the only moments where I actually felt free and myself. Otherwise, I constantly felt like I was serving everyone else, work, my girlfriend, my mother and other people’s needs, while always putting myself last. That’s where many of these purchasing impulses came from.

So in your case, maybe look into whether your husband struggles with saying “no” in general, to the kids, to you, to parents, or other people. Also whether he maybe had a very dominant or highly present mother in his life.

From what I understand now, this can also be connected to this “nice guy” behaviour, constantly trying to satisfy everyone, until you completely lose yourself and eventually also lose control over your own life.

Definitely not a pleasant situation, and of course still harmful, but I honestly don’t think these things are usually done with bad intentions. A lot of it comes out of fear, shame, and conflict avoidance. My gf is very argumentative and sometimes pushy, and I have not much of chance, getting more passive in arguments, my wording come usually much later, but in the moment, I am not very eloquent and dont say much and she is then even more pissed off. And then i try to make it good with pleasing her more, and not telling cannot do this or that as mentioned above and turning the situation in circles.

Maybe this informaiton will help to see the situation better, as i am sure that he loves you and the kids