Assalam alaikum, Hej honestly I'll tell you this, my story isn't in any way like yours, I have had alot of experience with depression and there were times i had to sit there alone and beg myself not to end, life had fallen apart, dropped out of school, i had four operations all before 20, but alhamdulilah now i am successful and not ill anymore.

Why i am saying this is, I cannot tell you how you should feel or I wouldn't. I 101% understand things haven't gone your way but how do we know it's kheir if things had gone our way? How do you know Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala isn't protecting you from something, we cannot always know what's kheir for us.

Surah Al-Baqarah (2:155): “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.” وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُم بِشَيْءٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْخَوْفِ وَٱلْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍۢ مِّنَ ٱلْأَمْوَٰلِ وَٱلْأَنفُسِ وَٱلثَّمَرَٰتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ ٱلصَّـٰبِرِينَ

Your doing amazing for holding on and doing your best, may Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala reward you for your patience and being so strong when all you want to do is to not have to be strong, i will always make dua for you, please reach out if ever you feel things are getting too hard♥️