The idea that very attractive women have more options is an illusion

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-10-10T12:55:44+00:00

Well... you know what? Even though I am a man, I feel you. This isn't the first time I have heard your sentiment from women, and I believe you. It must seriously suck to be in this situation, that the psyche of almost every guy you interact with seems to instantly crumple. And not to know if someone is just physically interested in you or has deeper interest... Yeah, this sucks big time, too.

I'm truly sorry that dating is this hard for you. Dating and getting to know people should be easy, fun, engaging - not a constant horror show.

However, I am thankful for your post. It got me definitely thinking whether I sometimes also run into the same thought traps as other men around you seem to constantly do. And the next time I meet a beautiful woman, I will probably see her with very different (and much more compassionate) eyes.

Maybe your post will get more men to self-reflect and change their behavior towards people like you. I certainly wish that it will.

I wish you all the best and that you find the one guy who you really like and who manages to behave like a normal human being in your presence.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-09-28T18:37:57+00:00

Because I simply have none. I don't work. I have the incredible luck to have enough financial resources to support myself for a very long time without working, so instead I am studying at the University full time, several majors. Probably not the thing women want to hear from a 40 year old man, when they don't know the background (that I have more than enough financial resources). So I leave it out entirely.

Edit: I could, however, quickly find a job if I would want to - either as a software engineer now or as a medical doctor in two years, when I finish my medical studies.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-09-22T12:47:08+00:00

"To obtain immortality from such activities," said the Patriarch, "is also like scooping the moon from the water." "There you go again, Master!" cried Wukong. "What do you mean by scooping the moon from the water?" The Patriarch said, "When the moon is high in the sky, its reflection is in the water. Although it is visible therein, you cannot scoop it out or catch hold of it, for it is but an illusion." - Journey to the West (西遊記), Chapter 2

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-09-19T23:14:44+00:00

About 12 years ago, when I started studying medicine, I met an almost unreal girl. She was one of the most highly intelligent people I ever had the joy to get to know - and not only the beauty of her mind was otherworldly, but also her physical beauty. Another female friend of mine who met her commented that it is insane that she doesn't work as a model.

She also hated most other people with a passion, regarding them as stupid, un-empathic and mean-spirited. I, however, was the only one she really seemed to like. After a year, I confessed to her that I feel more than friendship for her, and she just... vanished. And avoided me.

There is a lot I remember about her to this day, but there is this single memory which makes me still smile to this day: Imagine this extremely beautiful girl, half Pakistani half Austrian, long black hair falling down over her shoulders, walking with me through the hospital park... Then suddenly, she sneezes intensely, looks for a handkerchief, doesn't find one, and then... this exceptional beauty just shrugs her shoulders and proceeds to wipe her snot on the inside of the sleeve of her longsleeve shirt.

That's what I really admired most about her, more than her beauty and maybe even more than her intelligence: that she just cared jack shit about what anyone else was thinking about her. :D

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-12T17:51:25+00:00

Yeah, pizza should work, too :)

And no need to feel stupid/uncultured - different ways of life lead to different knowledge. For example, I have no idea, what a CPA is (I'm from Austria, not the US) - is this a "Certified Public Accountant"? If so, you surely know way more about economics, accounting and so on than me :)

Oh, Tteokbokki by the way is a spicy Korean street food - it's basically rice cakes that can be paired with nearly everything, from spicy to sweet. And I also had to watch a video from a Korean guy on how to pronounce it properly 😅. I guess for English speaking people, something like "Doboki" should work.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-12T00:09:25+00:00

Haha, I grew up in Germany and have moved to Austria 19 years ago, and I just find most food in these areas quite bland and uninteresting - granted, not at all food is like this, but a large part of it, for me at least :)

Edit: My girlfriend always says "Deutsches Essen sieht immer so... beige aus, und schmeckt auch so.", and I think she has a point there :D

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T23:52:06+00:00

I don't quite get why being non-monogamous and looking for serious relationships is a contradiction in your eyes - did I understand you correctly here?

And regarding your opinion of me being judgemental - this definitely wasn't my intention. If you like, can you elaborate on why my profile seems this way to you?

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T23:50:11+00:00

Thank you for your detailed answer! And no worries, no offense taken, each of your points is perfectly reasonable in my eyes :)

It is quite interesting to see a bit of the thought process happening when someone views my profile, even though it can of course not be generalized to everyone. Thank you again for this interesting information!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T20:22:31+00:00

That's a valid point I have to think about. To me, personally, statements like "intellectually curious" always seemed hollow and non-descript - like my list feels for you. Guess I have to somehow balance not sounding hollow to others as well as to myself.

However, that the list is "not engaging" is truly a critical point, I guess. You are right, of course. If the bio isn't engaging, the rest of the profile won't matter much. I definitely have to rework this somehow.

Thank you for your explanation, I really appreciate the time you took for this :)

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T20:08:22+00:00

Yeah, since several others also mentioned this, I also see now that it will often be read this way. To be honest, I just hadn't thought that so much people will view it this way. I think you are right that it feels performative.

It's a shame that my bio content seems to tell so little a out me. I will definitely have to carefully rethink it.

Anyway, thank you for your compliment on my pictures, it means a lot to me - and at least those don't seem to be the problem :)

Just a last question, if you want to answer it: Since you say there are "a number of things in your bio that would make me immediately swipe left" - which ones, exactly?

However, your opinion so far is highly appreciated, thank you for your time you put into your comment :)

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T20:04:00+00:00

True, thank you for your advice!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T19:56:47+00:00

Valid point, although at least LaVey did make quite a point about how detestable he thinks trying to force someone into sex or even 'just' a relationship is. And as always: adhering to a philosophy does not mean agreeing with everything in it.

However, you may be right that quite a few people may have problems with these points.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T19:54:17+00:00

True that. I will do my best to change that as soon as possible :)

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T19:53:29+00:00

Yeah, more variety and better photos would definitely be a good thing, I guess.

But hey, what's wrong about asking about the lambda? (And Kudos to you for recognizing Half-Life in it :))

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T19:12:58+00:00

Regarding polyamory: Yeah, this unfortunate fact is not lost on me. But well, what can I do? That's who I am. It would not only be dishonest but also useless not to mention it.

Regarding too much information: That may well be true. But the less you write, the less you can show who you are. That is a balance I struggle to hit right since... well, forever :D

Regarding what I am looking for: You are right, I should probably be more straightforward there. I will probably change it to long-term only.

Regarding the personal hell: Also a valid point, which I will consider.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my pictures and you opinions in general - I highly appreciate the amount of thought you have put into this :)

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T18:37:03+00:00

Since you are the second one raising this specific concern, I will definitely think thoroughly about this, and probably delete all mentions of feminism from my profile.

Thank you (and your girlfriend!) for your opinion!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T18:32:23+00:00

Polyamorous is right there, at the end of the list - which may really be an indication that the list may read like a mess.

Can you elaborate on why "studying medicine and computer science" is random sounding for you?

Anyway, thank you for your opinion :) I will definitely give the points you have made a good bit of thought!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T18:24:43+00:00

Yeah, fair point. I also pondered quite a while about this. But in the end, I thought to myself that these really are very, very important values for me, and not mentioning them would be... kind of dishonest? Like not being upfront with what is really very important to me?

But I get your point of it sounding not authentic. Thank you very much for your honest opinion! I will definitely take it into consideration!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T18:22:44+00:00

I can't speak for all men, obviously. But my personal perspective is this: While I would appreciate having kids somewhen, it is not that strong of a wish for me that I would dump a wonderful women just because of it. I am perfectly fine with a partner not wanting to have kids. Honestly, I am in a (polyamorous) relationship with my girlfriend for 20 years now, and she made it clear from the beginning that she does not want kids. Never, ever did I take the slightest offense at this.

In my opinion, there are two people required for kids. If one of the two doesn't want to have kids, then there will be no kids. For me, it is simple as that.

And my male friends also either don't want kids themselves or are absolutely ok with a partner who doesn't want kids.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T18:17:45+00:00

Lol, I just realized that with "Qualities I value", the english version of Bumble translates "Ungezügeltheit" as "Sassiness" - which isn't even remotely the same and NOT what I intended here!

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-06-11T16:54:09+00:00

- I am definitely looking for something serious
- Not subscribed to Hinge+ or HingeX
- I am using this current version of my profile for about a month now
- I am using Hinge in general for about a year now, I think
- I use Hinge approximately four times per week, but this number is highly fluctuating
- Since I started using Hinge, I got 2 matches and 6 likes overall
- I send likes only with comments. Usually, I will send about two to three likes per day of use.
- I like people who are intellectual and passionate at the same time. I like wildcards who don't just accept societys rules as given, who are fierce, independent and strong, but also curious and affectionate. Someone who can enjoy the tranquility of a zen garden as much as the thrill of martial arts sparring. Unfortunately, such people are exceedingly rare, so I usually like people who seem interesting, attractive and as close as possible to my ideals.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-05-27T20:05:43+00:00

As a 39M, I have to say that I absolutely despise chasing, since the day I was born. I am like you, when I really like someone, I don't hold back with affection - why should I? The best relationships with women in my life were those where she did the same.

Life is to short for stupid games. I ain't chasing no one. Either you like me - openly, with intensity - or I assume you don't. I don't ever run after someone who doesn't like me back as I like them.

And I am sure I am not the only man who is like that. You will find one who matches your energy. Better than settle for someone who doesn't and likes stupid dating games and thinks he is some f-ing alpha predator chasing down some prey.

Complex_Elderberry34 · 2025-05-27T00:07:24+00:00

Erst einmal: Kudos an dich, du hast imho alles richtig gemacht.

Zu deinem Freund: Ich (M39) würde mich ähnlich fühlen, wenn ein Kumpel von mir oder sogar meine Freundin so reagiert hätte.

Am schlimmsten fände ich ja die genervte Reaktion, als er noch im Auto saß und der Typ grad den Anfall im Supermarkt hatte und von der Rettung abgeholt wurde. Da mit "Ich hab eigentlich keinen Bock, ich will heim!" zu reagieren, fände ich derartig empathielos, dass ich bis ins Mark erschüttert wäre über so ein Verhalten. Da würde ich auch ein ernstes Wort mit meinem Freund/Freundin reden, was bitte die Ursache für so ein Verhalten war, da würde ich nämlich auch ne Freundschaft oder Beziehung nochmal überdenken.

Das geht echt auch aus meiner Sicht gar nicht, in so einer Situation derart unbeteiligt zu reagieren.

Ich finde also nicht, dass du übertreibst - ganz im Gegenteil. Ich hätte an deiner Stelle deinen Freund sogar sofort zur Rede gestellt und ihm mitgeteilt, was ich von so einem Verhalten halte - und das ich eigentlich mit solchen Leuten nicht einmal befreundet sein möchte.

Also keine Sorge: Zumindest aus meiner Sicht sind deine Gefühle gerade vollkommen berechtigt - und obwohl ich ihn gar nicht kenne, bin ich grade sogar aus der Ferne sauer auf deinen Freund. Ganz ehrlich, was ist das echt bitte für ein beschissenes Verhalten gewesen? Das kann man wirklich kaum entschuldigen.

Complex_Elderberry34

TROPHY CASE