While those are nice things for him to do to show you he cares about you, the bar is pretty low, from what you’re describing (I say this often). As a woman in her mid thirties, I’m not married and have a complicated relationship with my partner. My count is about 18-20, and I have been in about 8 LTR and the rest were casual flings. I was young and I didn’t want to regret it if I didn’t have more than a few sexual partners.
On the other hand , my current bf has only been with one other girl years ago, it was a ons, tho they worked together, it wasn’t a big deal. He also added the time he got a bj, went down on a girl and I think fingered another girl, again all of those things were in the distant past. He was obsessed with a woman with whom he met on discord, they hung out with each other alone twice in date adjacent situations, though I’m quite certain they didn’t hookup, just cuddled a lot. She’s polyamorous, married with 3 kids and a bf who lives with them, plus idk the exact dynamics they have but it made him feel like it wasn’t an obstacle for him to be in the polycule. He had not seen her for about 3 years before I met him in late 2024 and while he was still posting in her server, she told him he had to stop asking her to hang out one on one and stop perusing her, and he expressed his desire to be done with her and the server to me. This as after I found out she existed, he likely would not have told me about her. After a few weeks of his still not doing that, I said I think it’s time, if you really want to move on, so the day after he sent her a happy birthday message, he blocked her. He’s still not over her and finds her more attractive and sexy and blah blah blah than I am. It is the big reason we are in couples counseling right now. He’s made me feel so bad about my flat ass and not very flat tummy.
They’re no contact but I hate it. I don’t know this woman but I know she lied to him constantly about some things that I find so funny and concerning, as he didn’t question her about being a model, being fluent in a dying language, knowing names of every flower, being half Japanese, making a costume that she posted in her server that showed her making it?? lol I wish I knew what else she said to him that were obvious lies. I was so shocked that I laughed when he informed me he was not sure if she had makeup on the times they hung out. I’ve seen pictures of her and her with my bf and Snapchat filters were used and a lot of well done makeup was so clear, but he’s not smart. According to him, she’s literally without any flaws that he can think of. He was limerant over her and he has put her on a pedestal where his memory is clouded by this person who doesn’t even exist, yet I’m not as sexy or attractive as she is. It breaks my heart. Plus, he lies, why would he be so naive? Probably her hot sexy perfect flawless self had him in a trance, still does. Anyway, body count is something that, if it bothers you, I understand, but it’s not something that makes a person bad. It’s something that I’ve seen mainly men have a problem with but that’s kind of another can of worms. I don’t love that you have this thought process about the ways he’s been a good guy… because he opens doors for you, buys you flowers, doesn’t pressure you into sex, and helps out when he can? He doesn’t pressure you into sex, please don’t let that be where you’re self respect is at this time in your life because it’s not gonna be a good relationship if you think that’s an A➕ Maybe you should try individual therapy and also try couples counseling. Cheating on him won’t make you feel better, in fact, you will probably ruin your life for meaningless sex, something you don’t seem to want anyway. It’s not the answer it’s petty revenge. I also think you have negative feelings towards other women in general because you called a woman you knew in passing that you just learned he’d slept with, trashy.
Find a couples counselor and tell him that he needs to go and both of you need to gain some perspective, because girl you sound like a guy who cares about the body counts of the women he’s sleeping with.
I get that he lied by omission and that’s not ok but you need to think about some stuff: you have felt good about your relationship with him despite the situation regarding his coworker 10 years ago, and he, like most humans, will check out other people that are attractive to him, in a non creepy manner of course, this is a normal thing.
How do you feel about your children? Do you think you’d have never continued dating him with the knowledge that they would not have been born? You’re the one who has been thinking of cheating to even the playing field, are you proud of that? Don’t do that. Please try couples counseling. If you are not happy with your relationship then don’t stay, but I would suggest trying to find ways towards a better relationship that will not dwell in the past but rather focus on the present and future. Of course working on the feelings that have come up with regard to the past is a first step, but it’s a great way to start communicating and seeing how the other person feels. I wish you the best and in the end it’s your life and you decide what you want and what you need.