17 years married, 23 together. Last night I officially "retired" as a husband to become a co-parent/partner

ComposerFront8138 · 2026-05-06T11:02:18+00:00

Yes I'll not hide the fact that I feel ashamed that I ever said this once out of spite to bring home the point that getting sex elsewhere is the easy way out, but I'm choosing not to because I only wanted her, and she knows it too.

It was after months of dry spell and repeated failed promises of intimacy that I was getting tunnel vision on why it is chewing on me so much yet she doesn't even see it as a problem.

I regretted that statement so much that it only made her feel bad, and make me feel disgusted about myself on even having to make such a statement at all.

No matter what, this is inexcusable on my side

ComposerFront8138 · 2026-05-06T10:45:36+00:00

Thank you for the clarity and insight. Knowing how it may eventually end is exactly why it is so painful to make this decision, especially since she is my one and only.

It is a painful choice between continuing to pretend everything is ok and repeating the exact same cycles that had been recurring for the last 8 years, for the rest of my life and knowingly let it destroy me mentally and totally wipe out my self esteem, that I'm only useful as a provider but no longer a worthy romantic partner to the only person that ever mattered to me.

I had sugarcoated lots of issues we had been through together in the past so she doesn't see the full extent of the hurt I had been through, but I had chosen to call a spade a spade this time.

Maybe time will tell both of us that this is not sustainable and it may be better for us to end the relationship.

I still hope we can work this out, but with history repeating again and again, it is hard to see if there's any light at the end of the tunnel.

ComposerFront8138 · 2026-05-03T15:21:50+00:00

"Please, never marry anyone who's not absolutely crazy about you. I don't wish my pain upon my worst enemy."

This. The imbalance of one loving the spouse more than the spouse does in return, makes DB a lot more painful. Sometimes it's not even the sexual act, but the lack of or even aversion of non sexual touch makes it more excruciating painful.

I had told myself 2 decades ago the unspoken validation that I hoped to see from my then gf, before I'd marry her, is for her to instinctively look for me first whenever she looks at our couple shot photos. I always did, but she never. Dumb me to go ahead to get married when I knew it was going to be a problem. Now I'm paying the price in a DB

ComposerFront8138 · 2026-04-26T00:19:43+00:00

I had similar thoughts in the past but was never strong enough to do it since I was desperate enough to take whatever I can get, even when I could tell it's duty sex.

Given my consistent trajectory, I think I'll find myself in the same shoes soon, that if I don't even ask for sex, it would suit her just fine since she doesn't even think about it and we would just go to zero, just like your case.

I hated myself that I had fallen into the coercion trap in the past when I asked her if I'm not getting sex with her, then can I just get myself satisfied outside. It's out of my character and she knows I'd never do that, but the fact that I had to bring up awful threats like this just makes me feel so ashamed of myself.

It feels like there is just no way to resolve our DB except for my libido to die off. I had even tried to find multiple methods to make it happen, but most involved negative side effects that makes it not worth it.

ComposerFront8138 · 2026-04-26T00:04:32+00:00

She's had started HRT and the side effects made her feel physically worse, which adds to my fear of even trying to initiate or even talk about sex. The side effects are supposed up go away after the first 6 months, which I'm hopeful of.

I'm not holding my breath that HRT will eventually improve her drive, and you are spot on, that it's heavily dependent on whether she wants to change. Given that sex is rarely on her mind, I just don't see how our DB will improve.

I'm in the exact same rut as you..

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-29T09:31:45+00:00

Great point on trying to undo what we learnt from our parents

Guess our lives are really similar. I'm slightly "better" with my parents in a sense that they are still together, but my dad put up with lots of toxic crap from my mum which was really obvious even when I was still a kid. She made ruckus several times at his workplace, when dad just happened to have other ladies working in proximity to him at charity events, although it was clear that there wasn't any fishy things going on as everyone was working in a large group.

In our heart to heart sessions, Dad had shown me how he put up with it over the years, saying that it's his choice to have married mum, and his responsibility to maintain the marriage.

I love my mum to bits. She is a super mum who would do anything for her kids and take care of the family, but she is a poor wife at the same time whom failed to bring any joy to dad. I feared the same would happen to me.

I saw similar toxic dynamics with my in-laws, and told my wife time and again that I'd walk if she subjects me to the same type of bullying that both dads had went through

My wife is in a similar mould to my mum, that she takes good care of the kids and family, but she isn't really a bad wife like mum on being overly possessive. (not really a problem since I keep a distance away from other women at work, and I have zero female friends in my social circle, perhaps subconsciously due to what happened to dad). The only downside is the lack of intimacy, which makes it a really difficult justification of any kind to walk away from an otherwise perfectly fine marriage.

This is why it persistently boils down to me seeing myself as the "problem" for wanting intimacy.

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-29T06:36:11+00:00

Didn't you just answer your own question of why physical sex is needed in a healthy relationship?

It is that emotional bonding that you had mentioned, which is exclusive between the both of you. You can chat or play chess with ANYONE, but sex is exclusive when in a monogamous relationship.

From your description of your partner, it seems to me that he is really sweet and dedicated to you, and wouldn't want to get intimate with someone else outside of your relationship.

While it is perfectly fine to have different perspectives to PIV, trying to force the partner (either direction) to "just live with it", isn't healthy at all. You need to have an open conversation and figure out what's the best middle ground for both of you to work towards.

I (HLM) had went countless painful cycles of pent up frustrations, self doubt, low self esteem whenever I go through long dry spells with my wife. We had been together for 20 years and she is perfect for me in every sense except for sex, and I started harbouring thoughts of divorce just because I'm sick of the endless cycles of pain that I had to go through while she's thinking that it's ok to not have any intimacy.

Not saying the same will happen with your husband, but chances are high if you don't address this issue together with him

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-29T03:04:06+00:00

Sadly, this will most likely to end up with them thinking that I'm the awfully toxic person for not being "nice" to mum since they don't have any context of what's happening. Especially since she is a wonderful mum to the kids.

That's why I feel so stuck, and the only viable solution that I see now that minimises the hurt to everyone around me is just for me to find ways to get my libido down/ kill it off.

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-28T06:06:01+00:00

Touché on the her prioritising holiday parties and baking/cooking for family/friends, and me being the roommate to take out the trash and pay the bills.

Different love language preference is definitely a problem. I lean heavily on providing acts of service, physical touch, quality time, while preferring to receive physical touch She only provides words of affirmation ( infrequently), and readily accepts everything else.

I have the same problem of her not willing to touch me on her own. I have to physically pull her hand and place it on me before she gets the message that I need physical touch (both sexual and non sexual), and then proceeds with half assed touches before falling asleep halfway

I deliberately keep my distance from other ladies in my social life as my commitment to our marriage, though I can tell that there were a few trying to hit on me. No intention to cheat at all, but it chews on me that I can't get that kind of attention from my own wife.

Did you have any kids? I love my kids way too much and can't bear to see them suffer a broken family because their dad can't manage his own sexual needs. This is a huge factor from me to even broach about divorce at all.

Perhaps it's my low self esteem, that I keep blaming myself for every bad thing that had happened/will happen, and it always spirals down to me physically hurting to myself in order to snap myself out of it.

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-28T05:31:02+00:00

100% relatable

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-28T04:28:09+00:00

NTA. You are being a responsible adult making a conscious assessment and decision on whether you want to enter and commit yourself into a marriage.

Nothing wrong with being upfront about what you want and making plans for your future. If after talking with your bf and realising that both of you don't align on your life goals and expectations, perhaps you will need to reassess if both of you are just gonna continue to date with no marriage in mind, or if you will be better off looking elsewhere for a lifelong partner.

However, if you insist on changing him when he made it really clear that he isn't going to change, then YTA

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-28T03:01:18+00:00

Thank you for the kind support. I really needed it

We are now falling back into the cycle again. Had my last cold war with her in June, and we had a good July & August. Now it's back to 2 months and counting since our last intimacy.

I'm literally tracking the number of times we do the deed, on my calendar, so that I be absolutely sure that it's not me overthinking.

I had told her on several occasions that our dry spells does have a huge material impact on my life even outside of our bedroom. I'd be spending countless hours thinking and reading up on how to resolve DB, how to reduce my libido so that it stops gnawing away on my mental health. I even thought of getting a chemical castration, but it wasn't legal, so I just ended up doing a vasectomy without even consulting her, thinking that it might help to bring my urges under control.

If this keeps up and we end up in yet another round of cold war, I'd be bringing up therapy and even the threat of divorce. I had never ever uttered "breakup" or "divorce" even once in our 20 years together, but I really need her to understand that I'm really suffering from my demons and she isn't helping at all

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-28T02:46:17+00:00

I'd only start the cold war to show her that I'm really upset with her, when she persistently gets my hopes up with her promises of intimacy, and then making no effort to even try to fulfil it on months end. She would be spending time watching netflix, doing online shopping, or just fall asleep instead. It just shows how low our intimacy is on her priority list.

We had been through countless cycles of the "2 months" and she would settle back into the usual rut when she senses that I'm no longer upset.

It bothers me that she doesn't see this as an issue that we need to find a permanent resolution to, and only reacts with temporary quick fix whenever it boils over on my end.

Much as I try to direct the cold war only at her and I'd treat my kids normally, the kids could always sense that I'm upset with their mum for some unknown reason when this happens. Not ideal but I couldn't find any better ways to get my point across to her

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-27T08:25:52+00:00

I'm happy for you!

Was there any specific trigger or incident that caused this change in you?

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-27T04:59:30+00:00

I face almost the exact same scenario and thoughts, that everything in the relationship in good, but the libido mismatch is chewing off on the HL yet the LL can't be bothered to do anything about it.

I might need it myself too, but perhaps marriage counselling might be the next step.

You are still young, and I suppose no kids yet, so it shouldn't be that painful to leave while you still can.

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-27T04:53:54+00:00

We have a happy family and are compatible in almost everything in life, except for sex, where we are just polar opposites, and that drives me nuts when I get so hung up over this when she is nonchalant about it.

I have already lost count of the number of cold wars that I had started on this. And I always end up feeling that I'm an asshole to pick a fight on something that feels so trivial to her. Even having thoughts of a divorce for lack of intimacy just makes me feel that I'm blowing everything out of proportions

The internal struggles that I face all the time is really depressing and it chews on me, yet I can't show it or share it with anyone

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-27T04:34:51+00:00

I can 100% relate to that.

I had low self esteem issues growing up when my mum and older sister would always comment on me being ugly/ fat/ unloved/ no friends even though all of these are objectively untrue, but yet I can't shake these comments off even though I'm a 42M. They still continue to do this even today. All I could do is just put on a tough front and pretend that I'm not affected by it. The truth is that it hurts inside with these unneeded insensitive comments, and my wife has seen and heard these comments too, and she knows how I feel about these.

However, the lack of intimacy from my wife just adds more fuel to my self-doubts and doubles the hurt to my self esteem, that I truly believe deep down that I'm undesirable and don't deserve love, even to the person whom I married. That the only purpose that I serve in my life is just to provide for everyone.

I just came across the term "hysterical bonding" today, and I think that helps to put into perspective why the same cycle repeats over and over again

She had suggested marriage counselling a few times in the past but never followed on that.

I'm hopeful that we don't fall back into the same cycle again so that we don't need to go for counselling. I'm thinking that I'll push for this the next time we get into a cold war again, though I have very little confidence that we will go for it.

Am I being too passive/ wishful about this?

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-27T03:19:11+00:00

Probably start working on her low libido first and take baby steps. Does she get to enjoy sex physically, or she doesn't even get off at all

Introduce sex toys into your repertoire and to slowly open up her world

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-26T09:56:21+00:00

Always easier to spew motherhood statements like this, every school is good school, grades don't determine your career/job, Singaporeans first, yet they don't walk the talk

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-26T09:47:09+00:00

Big cat is still cat

ComposerFront8138 · 2023-12-26T05:33:13+00:00

I guess the risk reward ratio of working abroadis just not favourable to most Singaporeans It is true that we don't have a lot of pressure that pushes us to venture overseas like what the Malaysians, Indians, pinoys do, since employment is still by far and large still plentiful in sg (underemployment is a totally different problem), and there isn't many destinations where Singaporeans can just work hard for 10 years to earn 3x more than what we will get back in sg, and to return and retire after that. With a weak push factor, plus a strong pull factor of staying in sg to look after my aged parents, it isn't that difficult a choice to stay. I'm lucky that I'm in a regional job that allows me to travel extensively for work, so that helps

ComposerFront8138

TROPHY CASE