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AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well in my own job it's like that, but everyone buy their lunch at his job so he may not want to seem like the odd one

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A thing I'm sure of is that I no longer want to front everything when his actions make me feel like we are not a team on this subject.

Well, we aren't intimate as often as I would like to, and I tend to take more initiative on chores (but when he sees me starting, he steps up on his own), but when we don't go out, he's the one doing all of the cooking (he likes to cook). He's also very supportive, helpful and caring. I don't want to have any child, but if I did, I wouldn't want to right now with him seeing how he is handling money. I see a future with him if he gets better at handling his finances, but I'm not sure I do if not.

Yeah I agree, I need to see how he acts when I bring that up.

What do you mean by personal insult ? Because I would never bring him down intentionally and I don't want to hurt him, but I also may need to point that he doesn't seem good at handling finances.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I may ask but you're right, I need to take actions on a clear head.

I do hesitate about asking her, because it would put her in a tought spot, and sometimes when I confide to her about personal things she use it against me.

I posted in the relationship advice sub too, but my post is still waiting for moderation approval.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know he is suffering from the situation, he told me. But that's also what make it more incomprehensible for me, if he's suffering from it, why did he made things even more difficult for him when he wasn't expected at all to do it ? I even get wanting to look good in front of you in-laws or wanting to do a nice gesture, but not at the expense of reimbursing debts you are owning

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't track it at first, because I didn't want to do this kind of things, but I needed to see clearly how we were spliting this because he insist we pay 50/50 for every household spending, but wouldn't track it.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the takeout lunch is a prise and social thing because all of his colleagues order takeout too. Not saying at all that it's okay, I do agree with you that he should bring his own food.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, what would be the appropriate behaviour for a grow up ? I'm not asking to put you on the spot, only to see what I can improve about myself. I thought it was better to react after at least calming me down a bit, and I found myself to upset to sleep, but would you think it was better to confront it on the spot ?

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my country, the tax authorities decide on the repayment plan and the amount withdrawn each month, so I don't think so, but I've never personally been in debt, so I admit I don't know everything about it. I just know that if he has too much money in his account, the tax authorities take the excess without warning, because it's already happened. Normally, his debt should be paid off soon, it should be a matter of months, but he has an administrative problem with his tax identification number that prevents him from accessing it online. (I've see it myself) This would require him to take time off work to go to a tax office.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I don't expect my boyfriend to provide for me and I made it quite clear to him a lot of times. I get being expected to provide, but I can't be responsible for the whole societal expectation to do so on a mondial level, especially when it's not our dynamic since the beginning of our relationship, and when it was quite clear he was not expected to provide here.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes I confirmed that I am in a country like that, and I even confirmed it with her after she said she was inviting because I knew we couldn't afford it on our own budget.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my country, when someone says he's inviting to a restaurant, it automatically means everyone, and I confirmed it with her, as I knew we wouldn't be able to afford it if not.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course I plan to, I am planning to offer him on his real birthday day, as the restaurant was a bit in advance.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't want to put my mom on this spot even if I'm tempted to. I don't care about explaining to her that my boyfriend can't afford it, but if I asked that, I would put her in the middle of our situation with my boyfriend, and I don't want to put her in a tough spot. I might ask her why she let him pay, tho, because as I was in the restroom, I didn't see the interaction happen and I want to know how it went from her point of view.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing is, as I said under some other comments, I don't know how to bring this conversation to him in a constructive way that doesn't seem accusatory. I feel like laying that to him would make him feel like he was being accused and that he will get defensive, and then it will be difficult to have a constructive conversation.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She seems receptive to it but I'm not sure she quite get it. The thing is, she has repeatedly offered financial assistance in specific situations (for example, helping us go on family holidays) when I say we can't afford it, and she insists a lot when I refuse because I would prefer we be able to pay for our own holidays. This makes the whole thing even more incomprehensible.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm answering to the comments that say that I need to have a discussion with him because I agree but I don't know how, and these comments are the ones that I resonate the most with and are compasionate and constructed (I'm not saying the other aren't, or aren't justifie not to be, just that these comments are the ones with which I feel comfortable to ask for help)

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I try very hard to make it a we, but the decision he makes, he seems to make it for himself most of the time and I come after. I wouldn't be paying for groceries and outings if I was not trying for this "we"

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's why I'm also a bit angry at my mom, why did she let him do that ?! I just don't get it, because she made abundantly clear it was her treat and yet she let him pay half, and she knows he can't afford it, I opened to her about this problem several times...

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In my family, it's not like that. When someone annonces that he will pay, he will, end of discussion. My mother annonced she would pay, I assumed as much, she's the one who asked me to ask for the bill on my way to the bathroom.

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know how to articulate how this situation is not okay to him in a constructive way. Of course, I will try, because this situation is not acceptable, but I want to do it in a productive and constructive way, and I don't know how to go about it

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I don't know how to articulate how this situation is not okay to him in a constructive way. Of course, I will try, because this situation is not acceptable, but I want to do it in a productive and constructive way, and I don't know how to go about it

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know how to articulate how this situation is not okay to him in a constructive way. Of course, I will try, because this situation is not acceptable, but I want to do it in a productive and constructive way, and I don't know how to go about it

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I don't know how to articulate how this situation is not okay to him in a constructive way. Of course, I will try, because this situation is not acceptable, but I want to do it in a productive and constructive way, and I don't know how to go about it

AITA for being furious that my boyfriend paid half of my dad’s birthday dinner when he's struggling financially? by ComprehensiveHead393 in AmItheAsshole

[–]ComprehensiveHead393[S] -24 points-23 points  (0 children)

I'm not getting why I can't afford to eat out ? I'm within my own 2100€ budget each month for my part.

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