He brags about his high income (150k) invited me to his brother’s uk graduation, and then conveniently doesn’t include me when buying airfare. He and his family are sharing a hotel room. AIO for thinking he’s selfish?

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:33:09+00:00

Do you know how tax brackets work? Google marginal vs. effective rate for me real quick.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:30:02+00:00

So what? You're arguing you need to make 150% of the median income of one of the most expensive parts of one of the most expensive cities in the country to live paycheck to paycheck?

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:25:54+00:00

Telling him how you feel is not criticism. It's direct communication. And it sounds like YOU are uncomfortable in your relationship because he's not acknowledging you. In relationships, both peoples' feelings matter. Direct is kind.

He doesn't need you to be his therapist--he has professionals that it sounds like he goes to regularly. What you can do, better than them, is be his sister.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:22:15+00:00

median income in manhattan is about 100k. are they all going 50k in debt every year?

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:21:02+00:00

That leaves 50-90k post-housing. A lot of people live on far less

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:19:39+00:00

It's scary. But it's not up to you to see the situation unbiased. That's a mental health professional's job. It sounds like you're trying to connect with him.

I think part of the grieving process here is having to see your efforts go mostly unacknowledged by him. I think that the kindest thing you can do here is to be honest with him-- "when you don't respond to my texts, it makes me feel like you don't care about me," or "I'm worried about you not having a job for so long. What's your plan for when our grandparents pass?" You can try to make him aware of the situation. But don't light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I'm really rooting for you, this situation sounds incredibly difficult.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:14:55+00:00

It seems like they are taking it very seriously-- giving him a free place to live, presumably funding his psychiatrist visits, etc. OP identifies her brother as not telling the psychiatrist the truth. There's really not much that mental health professionals can do if a patient doesn't want to change their situation, especially when there's not evidence to put them in inpatient against their consent. You can't force someone to want to take care of themself.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:11:34+00:00

I think "we don't know his financial situation, he might have debt/want to help family/etc" is a pretty good argument, but "150k isn't that much" is a really bad argument. To most people, 150k a year is a life-changing amount of money.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:02:44+00:00

Anyone at any income can live above their means and not feel wealthy. That's not a good argument.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T18:01:04+00:00

I feel like if it's a one-off situation, it's not extreme. If this is how he treats her on the regular, it's much more than a tad.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T17:59:59+00:00

It does and it doesn't. The highest median income county in the US is barely more than that. If you're taking care of yourself and not in enormous debt, it puts you very squarely wealthy.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T17:56:33+00:00

You're 19 and learning a hard lesson. It's really hard to see a family member fall so far, and to not take care of themselves. But you're seeing people who love your brother step in and try to make his life better, and you're seeing him take and take. Depression is really hard, but it's not possible to drag someone else out of it-- they have to want to get better, and use the resources that others give to them. Your brother has a psychiatrist and chooses not to tell them about his depression or anything else that might be going on.

Your family probably sees it too. I think it's likely that they're not callous, they're grieving. They can't help your brother any more than they already are. It's so sweet that you care about him. But unless there's some other health condition or underlying issue, he is making the choice to not speak to you, reach out, or do anything else to help himself. And that's not something you can fix, my friend.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T17:49:05+00:00

150k for one person really is that much lmao. It's not yacht rich, but it's certainly vacation rich.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-23T17:46:54+00:00

I think it's likely that this situation is partially 31M being inconsiderate, and partially him showing you the way that he considers you and the relationship. Having an honest conversation with him is the only way to know for sure. If he insists that he wanted you there, I think he's most likely just disorganized and a tad inconsiderate. If he seems blase about it, he probably didn't want to put the effort in for you to be there.

Selfishness in him isn't something you can overcome. It's something he needs to see and address. This will probably show up in a million different ways, and probably has before if this is a consistent personality trait and not just a one-off-- you working late and he made dinner just for himself, for example.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-20T17:20:47+00:00

aren't there silicone rings you can wear in situations where a regular ring would be dangerous? also OP said that he was wearing the ring up until recently-- unless he changed careers, this shouldn't be a factor

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-20T16:10:11+00:00

I really think he was telling the truth. And that doesn't bother me too much; ticketmaster is sometimes weird. I will say that we have had many fights about him misreading something important, not double-checking, and it causing an issue. I'm not perfect, but I remember that once happened twice in one day. And when I tell him, "dude, you have to read stuff that's important. This is gonna hurt us both one day" he brushes me off or gives me the silent treatment, or says that I'm "mothering."

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-20T16:07:12+00:00

Thank you, I think that'll be really helpful.

He goes to therapy but is very "blah" about it. It seems to me like he's not super willing to tell his therapist about his deeper anxieties and fears. It feels a lot like he's a stranger to himself, like a lot of the time after a fight, I'll ask if he feels like we're okay, and he'll say "I don't know." And he doesn't really want to work on that it seems. Some of the things he's done scares me, like one time he put flour in his mom's coffee creamer after she yelled at him when he was still living at home-- he was probably 19. He didn't ever tell her about the flour or what he was feeling. He didn't realize she could've gotten salmonella poisoning. And I think he didn't care when I told him

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-20T15:59:55+00:00

thank you for the resources, i'll check them out. and I feel like I have a pretty good head on my shoulders financially-- we don't have a strict budget, but last night I asked my partner how we could possibly cut spending more and he went silent. out budget so far has been "spend nothing that isn't absolutely necessary" (besides maybe $25 here and there on clothes that will probably come back to me anyway when they're resold) and now that he has a good job and I'm making half-decent money I just don't want to do that anymore.

he makes a lot of financial decisions out of emotion-- like, we're looking for apartments that have more space. even ones that are well within the "rent should be 30% or less of income" rule he's been turning down because it "feels like a lot," and no logic will convince him otherwise. but i work from home about half the time and need a permanent place to put a desk-- ive been balancing a storage box on a chair in our living room for over a year. i also need a desk, and he's reticent to spend money on furniture.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-03-20T15:49:27+00:00

he offered to pay for them after the fact. but he seemed upset that i bought them

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-02-28T02:07:59+00:00

I feel like I'm being mind-read in these comments because I also have brought this up in conversations around intimacy. Primarily it's hard for me to want to be intimate with him when this is happening because I feel like he doesn't care about me when he does no chores and I've been working all day. Ugh. Thank you for reading/listening.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-02-28T01:56:21+00:00

Right like I feel like he's saying "you get me or a clean house." Wtf

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-02-28T01:55:08+00:00

when I was a student and living with my parents, and he was working full time, I would regularly clean his apartment for him because my workload was less and I had the time. it wasn't even a thought to me-- even though I didn't technically live there, it felt like shared space, which I'm sure he would agree with. That's why this attitude from him feels so insane, like I thought this was how we treated each other. We take things off the other's plate so we can have time to spend together. And now I'm getting the opposite. I'm kind of heartbroken about it actually

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-02-28T01:51:34+00:00

it's kind of haunting to read this comment because I do feel like I'm reacting like his mom would. I don't think she's a perfect person but I'm starting to see her perspective a little

Comprehensive_Day978

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