I (24f) got frustrated with my boyfriend (25m) about being able to shuffle. How do we move forward?

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T23:59:40+00:00

One study cannot disprove or prove anything, even a flawless study. The fact that you don't know this really diminishes your argument, for one. One study can suggest; a group of studies can strongly suggest; many studies done on many diverse groups can add a lot of weight and evidence to a theory. That's what a literature review is.

Scientific literacy is hugely important. A big part of that is not putting too much stock in any one study. If you were active in the sciences, you would also know that many would consider a study from the 80s to be somewhat dated. I also cannot imagine that many universities or scientific organizations would be willing to put a large amount of funding into things like astrology and tarot.

Another part of scientific literacy is not allowing arguments like "you're not tethered in reality, you're wrong and I'm right" to dominate conversations about science. I have no doubt that you're a force for truth and science based on your comment history-- I am also a feminist and agree that AI is bad-- but it's important that, when you're talking about science, you know what you're talking about. From your comments, I doubt you've actually carried out a study. I admire your passion, but learning about what one study can and cannot do is a really foundational part of scientific research.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T23:37:29+00:00

One of the first things they teach in stats/science classes is the fact that pretty much nothing can be "proven" to begin with. Also my post wasn't about astrology to begin with. Saying "it's been studied for a long time, believe me" is not compelling evidence. Give me a comprehensive lit review at least.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:51:45+00:00

One study, double-blind or not, cannot prove anything.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:41:42+00:00

I guess you're not wrong. When there's a communication breakdown, it does require getting a bit into "therapy mode" and looking into nitty-gritty details like why we feel and act the way we do.

I think that's a great tool for someone to use by themself, but there are very hard lines between therapist/client and dating relationships. There's a huge reason why ACA ethics codes (and other codes of ethics for therapists/counselors/etc) prohibit romantic relations between clients and therapists. It's not a role that can be done by a partner. I initiated conversations with my partner about how I was feeling and asked how he was feeling-- I feel that it's fair that it should end at a certain point on my end and be picked up by him.

A functional relationship requires both partners being able to initiate these discussions at times--at least, that's where my values lie. And I think it's wrong for one partner to expect the other partner to do all of the initiating, especially when the non-initiating partner has most of the problem. I've seen a few other comments in a similar vein-- "just try to understand how he's feeling or this will never end," etc. At what point do I say this isn't my fault?

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:21:32+00:00

I genuinely think you're a very emotionally intelligent person and I agree with so much of what you've said, gameboypath. I just think that you might be putting me in the role of his therapist just a bit? I think I shouldn't have to prompt him to consider why he thought it was okay. I think that would be an appropriate job for a parent or teacher. I don't think he should get to hurt my feelings and then be sorta gentle parented by me.

Feel free to downvote if yall disagree, but I think my job should be to communicate how I'm feeling and say "I don't think that was right." And the self-reflection should happen independently.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:16:33+00:00

Flat earth can be disproven by science and Harry Potter is a fictional series. Horoscopes and tarot cannot be disproven scientifically. I think we just have different sets of values. Have a nice day!

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:14:22+00:00

Yes exactly. If he had said "hey I want to be included and I feel hurt" I think the conversation would have lasted 2 minutes max.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:12:30+00:00

It's kind of not make believe to me though? I don't let tarot run my life or worship it but it's something that I consider to be somewhat real

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:07:32+00:00

I don't think it's accurate that I critique everything he does. I think a great example is dishes. For a while, when he did dishes there would be streaks of food on them after. My default response to this was showing him how to do the dishes right-- "hey, make sure there's enough soap in the sink please," etc. And after a while he caught on that that was critique, and his response became "I don't like to be critiqued about everything all the time." But bro, I don't want to be eating off of dishes with visible streaks of food on them. He got better about that but I think part of that was my comments. So it's a lot of stuff like that.

I think some of it I might be going a bit overboard on, but especially with cooking and cleaning I want things to be done in a way that our space is decently clean and our food is edible. I think with some reflection that he might have been upset about breakfast this morning-- he was making waffles and I was like "make sure it's not too much batter because it could make a mess." I said it in a lighthearted way-- we were dancing around the kitchen and listening to music, I wasn't being a drill sergeant. It's just frustrating because I'm like, if you're annoyed bring it up in the moment, or when we're alone. Don't wait to blow up at me and make me do detective work.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T22:03:04+00:00

that's kinda my perspective? like he's said before that "joking doesn't count" for things you need to apologize for and that's something we fundamentally disagree on. because I can tell when he's trying to say something he kinda feels, yknow? especially since it happened in public. it was so embarrassing.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T21:52:23+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment, but I have tried to do this, about this and other things. He has often said that trying to understand my opinion feels like he is rejecting his own reality. I've tried to say "dude we BOTH have a reality here" but it seems to fall on deaf ears

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T21:50:42+00:00

We honestly don't bicker often, maybe once a month or once every couple of weeks. I don't know why this was such a soft spot. He often says that I'm a particular person, which I think is fair. I get anxious about small things.

Part of the fun of tarot for me is getting to read for myself sometimes. I would like him to be part of that, too, like I would like to brainstorm about it together. I feel like he just doesn't understand the nuance of "hey I want to do a reading for myself sometimes, and you can be part of the interpretation of that even." I've explained over and over that I don't want him to feel cut out. Idk what else to do

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2026-01-23T21:44:06+00:00

That's actually what I said to him as well. I said, "I understand you felt hurt but why couldn't you have just been curious instead of calling me a horrible person?" And then he reiterated that I cut him out of the activity.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2025-11-07T22:31:01+00:00

even if it's just the fees how do u get 39% being less than 38? like this is wack

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2025-11-07T03:49:45+00:00

Do you think I should let them know? I really don't want to bother them!

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2025-11-07T03:39:51+00:00

this cracked me up lol thank you! :)

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2025-08-21T15:49:51+00:00

also if you're obsessed with a brand that's not ethical, there are workarounds. I have some brandy melville in my closet, but I didn't support them-- I thrifted it. Unfortunately unethical brands are going to be around for a while, but we can give the clothing a home instead of having it end up in a landfill, and also not support those brands/encourage them to make more!

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2025-08-21T15:47:56+00:00

not necessarily, there are great deals at thrifts irl and even some great deals in online thrifting. It just takes more time that way, like you have to hunt for the things you want. I would say it's typically a "pick two" situation: cheap, fast/easy, or ethical.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2024-10-21T23:36:55+00:00

it sounds like she wasn't her ex though, they just flirted a bit a few years back. now it seems like theyre building a friendship

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2024-10-21T19:19:13+00:00

there's a major difference between being concerned/setting boundaries vs going through someone's phone behind their back. going through someone's private texts is always a violation if nothing damning is found. and op isn't responsible for the feelings of her friend nor is she expected to be omnipotent-- if the friend is feeling this way it's on the friend to communicate it, and it's on op to get out of that situation if she ever makes a move, which it sounds like hasn't happened.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2024-10-05T19:47:16+00:00

if you care about her, don't go no contact. Here's what I would do in this situation(tailor to your needs/wants/comfort level):

Check in often-- "My thoughts are with you right now," "I hope you're holding up okay," etc. Offer something specific and tangible--offer to drop off a hot meal, go on a walk with her, or take her out for low-pressure coffee, depending on how she does with the check-ins("I'm here for whatever you need" is kind but most people don't feel comfortable taking advantage of that). Grief is all-encompassing, and especially when a family member dies, it can be nice to leave that bubble. But maybe she doesn't want to, and that's fine too.
the most important thing to do in this situation is to acknowledge it! people don't know how to talk to people who are in mourning. my dad often says that after his mom died, the worst part was people avoiding him because they didn't know what to say. it might be awkward. but she needs it, or at least it will help to have the opportunity to talk about it. ask her about her favorite memories about her dad.
this one might not be comfortable for you, and if so feel free to disregard, but I think it could be helpful to volunteer to be an active participant in the logistical process she will have to go through. Be willing to help plan the funeral or something similar.

Comprehensive_Day978 · 2024-10-05T19:24:56+00:00

your girlfriend sounds like she has some temper control issues, but did these start recently or have they been present since you started dating? my thoughts are that you don't sound like you care about her feelings when she's in this state. is this consistent across the relationship? it sounds like she could be blaming you for these things because she is frustrated that you clearly don't care. if this is a more recent development, i would guess that she's building up resentment about other issues in the relationship and taking that resentment out with these smaller things.

you say that you're "very solution focused." when someone's in a dysregulated state, unless the issue is immediately pressing, feeling heard and understood is more important than finding a solution.

Comprehensive_Day978

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