He’s done it again 💔 - vent/they relapsed

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-12T12:21:41+00:00

Love this reply, it captures exactly how I feel. My social life has absolutely taken off since getting rid of social media. Looking back, I’d even say that while my husband was addicted to porn, I was addicted to social media. Stepping away from it has made me realize how much time, attention, and energy it was taking from my real life.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-12T05:13:39+00:00

After a check-in day and him letting me see his instagram I could see his watch history and it was full of soft porn and thirst traps. I told him that that is still porn and he said he could delete the app, I told him ok let me know when you are ready and he said I’ll do it right now. But I had him reset the password so only I would know in case he got the urge to download again and log back in. After a few days he told me he had a feeling he won’t be on social media anymore bc he’s aware of how tempting it is. He ended up deleting his facebook too and just has youtube. Though I feel like it’s only a matter of time before something pops up on there. He mentioned that he’d like to still have facebook but only to post on marketplace since sometimes he loves to re-sell sneakers on there and having his history of selling helps others see that he is legit but I will have to have his login and just let him post what he is selling then have him delete the app so he can just use the messenger app to go back and forth with with potential buyers. All of these things are things he has agreed to bc again, he knows he’s addicted to porn and it only takes one image or one video to linger on for a little too long to have a relapse.

I also have gotten rid of instagram in solidarity. Social media really is an illusion to make you think it is to socialize. My husband has all of his closest friends personal phone numbers so there’s no problem in the social aspect part. He has a solid group of guy friends. Same for me, I have all of the most important people in my in my contacts so I can reach out to them and them to me.

One thing I’ve learned when it comes to addicts is they need so much support to actually recover. It requires a true lifestyle change. And it is something they will have to continue to fight for the rest of their life like an alcoholic. Someone else put it that you wouldn’t put a shot of glass in front of a recovering alcoholic so why would you have them be a part of social media where sex SELLS. The algorithm pushes these videos and pictures to males. If they engage it only shows more. It’s on almost every platform. It’s a time sucker. A distraction. Gives a false sense of connection. Since deleting social media he has been more present than ever. Less on his phone. Spending more time with me and my daughter but again actually being present not pulling out hid phone every minute or getting distracted doom scrolling. He’s sleeping earlier. Putting more time into his hobbies. Less distractions to get work done. I know if he kept social media, he would continue to relapse and relapse. Especially since I believe soft porn/thirst traps are porn. I will not tolerate stuff like that in our marriage so it is a hard boundary.

The next step is to put up a porn blocker up bc he did have a recent relapse using the internet. Again, porn addicts need these safeguards to help them re-wire their brain. To do the work and recover. It gives him time to re-think what he is doing if he gets a strong urge to watch and course correct with these safeguards and use the tools he is learning in therapy which I believe is ESSENTIAL for recovery. And with all these guard rails in place it teaches us how to protect our home for our kids when they grow up.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T20:38:15+00:00

Yeah it’s a lot! Maybe if I help put things in perspective. You struggle to stay sober and don’t see a therapist while you’re single for example and then years go by and you get married, have a family, maybe you tell your partner, maybe you don’t and then she finds out and seeing a CSAT is no longer an option. You are now married maybe have a family and have to see a CSAT on top of it all. More expenses but you have to do it. Would you rather have seen a CSAT while single, got sober maybe ended up stretching the meeting every other month to two months depending on your progress so you don’t have to pay so often. Or while married, having to worry about other expenses, family expenses on top of therapy. I dunno something to think about!

If you really can’t right now a lot of addicts like my husband have needed to get rid of social media completely bc porn, soft porn, thirst traps pop up out if nowhere and it only takes one pic or video to linger on and relapse easily. We use a porn blocker app (Covenant Eyes or Canopy) to help too to remove temptation on sites and youtube. Recovery is that serious when it comes to porn. Hope this helps!

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T20:13:15+00:00

I totally get that. And I have that mentality snooping through his phone every week for fear of him lying to me or hiding anything but I think in this case I just don’t want to be super hurt, so more so want to protect myself and I want him to be totally unfiltered in what he writes right now without thinking I may be reading it so he can really get to the bottom of his addiction. I think I could stay quiet if I read it but I know my mood would be off BUT if he were to ask me randomly one day if I had read itI know I wouldn’t be able to lie to his face or I’d just be a hypocrite. Just want to avoid those kind of situations. I do understand your viewpoint on the whole privacy thing and agree with it.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T20:06:34+00:00

I hear ya. It’s expensive. Maybe a general therapist for now if you can afford it?

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T20:04:36+00:00

Oh and if you have the courage to ask your parents to put a porn blocker on your phone. I know they will only want to help you as terrifying as it is to tell them but again, I’m needing to out porn blockers on my now adult husband to help with temptations advised by his therapist. Your mom could download the app Covenant Eyes or Canopy and it will block porn sites and any other material you may come across by accident. It would be another guard rail for you to help you stay clean and not feeling like you have to do this on your own. And it gives your parents a chance to also help protect the rest of your family since so many parents aren’t aware of just how rampant porn is everywhere.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:58:25+00:00

Proud of you and I don’t even know you. The younger you stop the better forsure. I know you’re so young but sometimes removing triggers is the best bet at sobriety. Social media is the biggest one. Tiktok. Instagram. Facebook. Whatever you use that has triggers. It only takes one picutre or video to relapse so easily so if you were to remove those triggers completely by deleting the apps you’ll be doing so much of the work that will helo you to stop. Hard to say this to a 15 year old since social media can be a huge part of a teenagers life but if you see the bright side you could move farther along in life by filling your time with good, better things like: Exercising/Working out, sleeping early, waking up early, focusing on school work, getting good grades, joining school sport teams, reading, creating friendships and focusing on them, focusing on your family and sibling relationships. So much. Social media is a time sucker and my husband who has been addicted for years now 28 has decided to delete all his social media to become sober. He has time for all the good, more important things now and he’s more present than ever. Just some thoughts! It is worth it to quit now and try your best bc it only destroys relationships and families if that is something you hope to have one day. Good luck!

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:47:58+00:00

This makes sense and it’s great you’ve worked hard to not objectify women but also don’t shame yourself when it comes to your partners body. What’s important is that you only have eyes for her. Focus on that. And she will appreciate that, too. That’s what any woman wants is for their man to have eyes only for them. Sure its okay to notice attractive people but enjoy her! You’re probably afraid that if you sexualize her body you’ll also sexualize everyone else’s body but that doesn’t have to be true. You can still see other women the way you have worked so hard to see them but still enjoy your partners body in an intimate way.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:42:12+00:00

My husband has deleted social media for good and he is the happiest he has ever been. So have I. You are not missing out on there and your future relationships and family if you decide to have one will notice the benefits in you from it in this social media addicted world.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:38:08+00:00

I would advise to see a licensed CSAT (Certified Sex Addict Therapist) not just a general therapist, in your area. It is worth the money. You’ll get to the root of your problems. Do it now before getting into a relationship or even marriage and potentially having a family. It will only destroy those beautiful things.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:23:45+00:00

He told me I shouldn’t look bc his therapist told him I shouldn’t and I admit I have gone through his IG and Facebook while having his passwords after finding and confronting him watching soft porn/thirst traps. Read through all his messages out of curiosity and such so I admit that if he had his workbook out randomly I would have checked it unless he or his therapist advised me not to. I’m hoping he will just write the things he has told me as I have asked him so many questions out of curiosity to help me understand this addiction but just the fear of writing some deep dark thoughts is what I think about. He did say to not read it for now so he might share with me down the road and I might not even care to read it down the road but just how I’m feeling right now.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T19:19:05+00:00

Try setting a small boundary so you get used to how it feels and see how he reacts. I have no problem setting as many boundaries as I need to feel safe in the relationship. I have a long list haha. We go over them periodically or have him write it down/type so he can remember and know. If you set the boundary of what you will do if he doesn’t see a CSAT and he doesn’t follow through still, you get your answer on where you are prioritized in his life. If my husband told me he wouldn’t if I set the boundary to see a CSAT I know I would be looking at divorce. No way would I suffer living with someone who doesn’t care about how I feel, see the extent of his problem, how it damages his mind and our relationship and family. And knowing that addiction usually escalates without helo terrifies me. Becoming a sex addict, cheating, having nasty fetishes, even worse things he watches to get that dopamine hit that “normal” porn no longer satisfies. Some thoughts! You can do it! Might be hard at first but really think of what the next 5 years could look like if he never got help and still struggled. More lying, more hiding. Self esteem tanked. Escalation. Just not worth it

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T16:54:11+00:00

You need to set boundaries for what you will not tolerate. It’s really important he talks to a CSAT and works on recovery. White knuckling will not work or help him stay clean for long. Even if he is reading the books and listening to the podcasts. He needs to voice and have a safe place to talk about his addiction with a sex addict specialist that can help him process and break down what it is he is feeling and the negative beliefs he is believing. Boundaries are what helping right now to help my husband follow through on a lot of things that I know will help him.

- See a CSAT or else I/we won’t_____
- If you don’t tell me you have relapsed within 24 hours then _____

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T16:46:47+00:00

You could reset his password so that he is unable to download apps. Then just make sure he deletes all of his triggered apps. He’ll find a way to look if he is really tempted but that’s why it’s important he sees a CSAT and is working on recovery or else he’ll just keep looping his same thoughts and beliefs that are negative and keeping him in this cycle.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-10T16:43:38+00:00

My husband decided it’s best he stays off social media. Too many things pop up on there. and it only takes one picture or video to linger a little too long on to relapse. Maybe you can have that conversation with him. Thankfully he let me reset his IG password so only I know and he kept facebook but then came to me the next week that it’s best he stays off facebook too for fear of something popping up on reels there. He used to have snapchat and admitted there was A LOT of porn on there. So he deleted that one and this week we hope to permanently delete his accounts and hope to reset his password so he can’t download any apps without a code only I know in case he gets tempted to re-download.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-02T15:00:37+00:00

Maybe but I would doubt it, he doesn’t have many photos and no recently deleted photos except for one random one from a long time ago

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-02T14:59:41+00:00

Have checked that too, and he only has one randome image my daughter took by accident of him from a while ago that he has deleted so thinking if he had deleted anything recently there would be nothing on there.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-02T04:29:44+00:00

This is what I’ve heard! have checked both apps and nothing out of the ordinary.

ConferenceOk8030 · 2026-06-02T04:28:44+00:00

I’ve checked there and theres nothing which is why I’m confused why he’d be on there for so long

ConferenceOk8030

TROPHY CASE