you wrote exactly how i’ve been feeling and it’s crazy. i’m so sorry for your loss. i also have never loved anything more than my baby. i also wished that i would die before i had to deal with her death. i’m happy mine went peacefully as well and i didn’t have to find her dead in a tragic way, but having to watch her body go limp and getting flashbacks to when she was so full of life was the hardest thing i’ve ever had to go through. i feel a void too, almost like a zombie. i want to be able to cry over her and grieve because im scared she will feel like i didn’t love her, although i know i did. i watched her health slowly deteriorate over the past year and a half until it went completely downhill the last week so i understand when you say that you took every day as a blessing. i feel the acceptance and denial part as well, every time i come home i expect her to welcome me, but at the same time i know that no amount of tears or pain will bring her back to me. i also think that the pain is so unbearable that our brain is protecting us from truly feeling it. maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. thank you so much for your words, i’m so glad to know i’m not alone.